Do You Possess Diplomatic Skills?

The Sabot School of Etiquette touches on one of the definitions of a Diplomat which is:
"Doing nothing and saying nothing nicely." - Unknown

Diplomacy is a bit more difficult to define. The following is a list of quotes describing diplomacy:

• "Diplomacy is thinking twice before saying nothing." - Unknown
• "Diplomacy is the art of letting someone have your way." - Daniele Vare
• "There are people who can do all fine and heroic things but one: keep from telling their          happiness to the unhappy." - Mark Twain
• "Be polite: write diplomatically; even in a declaration of war one observes the rules of politeness." - Otto von Bismarck

   Diplomats have been around since the Greek and Roman Empires. When we speak of diplomats, we are usually talking about international diplomats and international diplomacy.
   To be a diplomat, one must possess many different charismatic manners, leadership skills and more specific skills including: tact, listening, sensitivity, positive body language, and politeness. One must also pause and reflect. One must listen and be able to arbitrate a mutually acceptable solution to the problem at hand, accept the result, and move on to solve the next challenge. One must remain non-confrontational, yet quietly strong and competent.
   One must also have a sense of humor, but humor is tricky. Humor does not always translate well, especially internationally. Self-deprecating humor is usually the best type of humor to show because you risk offending no one but yourself!
   Also, sometimes not talking or not answering is just as important as talking and answering. What is unspoken and unwritten is sometimes just as important as what is spoken and written.
   Whether one is negotiating an international treaty or negotiating nap time with your Mother, calm, steady, polite demeanor combined with a peace of heart wins out in the long run every time.

Bon chance!

Great Leaders, Example and Lip Service

   All effective leaders should strive to lead by example through not only their words but their behavior. The unintended consequences of a leader's behavior does subjectively rain down upon those who listen. When leaders say one thing and do another, it is not only dishonest but disheartening.
   Yes, leaders make mistakes. No one is perfect. Things do not always work out all the time, every day, all day long, but, the general intent of a leader should be clear and honorable.
   There are many types and levels of leaders within our communities and families. A father, an older sister, a Captain of Industry, a Minister of faith, the Lifeguard at the Community Pool, a mother, the privileged, the owner of a small local business such as the dressmaker or dry cleaner, an office manager. What is your level of leadership? What type of example do you set as a leader? How do you inspire others to strive to be better? How do you motivate yourself to be better?
   Especially in today's maximum paced, multi-media, multi-technology, multi-cultural society, the multi-effects of any number of actions or speech from a leader has many multi-effects on the listeners and participants. In other words, ask 20 people in a room what they heard and saw, and you will get 20 different answers. Again, the general intent of the leader should be clear.
   Eleanor Roosevelt famously said: "We teach other people how to treat us." And we really do.
   Being a leader is hard. Leaders set an unspoken tone through their actions. Leaders have to be able to communicate and state your case, then listen to all those who oppose your case. There will also be those persons who did not understand your case, or were not fully listening and only heard parts of your case, or only heard what they wanted to hear, or took offense to your case. Leaders should try to patiently explain their case. They also should strive to unite and include through their words and actions. If your words do not match up with your actions, your words are eventually heard as empty, lip service.
   Leaders should strive to inspire people. Leaders should be positive, kind, charitable, and forgiving. We should all treat others as we wish to be treated. There is always room to say; "I'm sorry." There is always a chance to say: "I have failed." It is through failure that leaders learn, adjust and succeed.

What Makes A Good Leader?

   Here at The Sabot School of Etiquette, we touch on leadership and include a few tips in our written materials we send home with each student. We famously say: "Leaders always make others feel special." What makes a good leader? What makes a great leader? Let's start with the basics.

• Leaders always make others feel special. Leaders make the other person feel as though they have been heard. Leaders make the other person feel like the only person in the room.
• Leaders lead by example. If you as a leader do one thing and say another, your followers are listening to lip service. Lip service leads to mistrust.  
• Leaders know ignorance is no excuse. As children, we make excuses because we are learning and our parents give us a childhood of chances so we may learn year by year to make good decisions for ourselves. As adults, we cannot say we did not know. As adults, it is our responsibility to know.
• Learning to be a leader, if you do not fail a few times, you are not trying hard enough. You may not be making competent, correct decisions for yourself. Failing is good for us because failing forces us to reevaluate our positions and decisions, and move on. 
• Leaders do not blame other people. Blaming other people for your position in life is ignorant and gets you no where. We all make 1000 different decisions every day about how we are going to live our own lives. So, whatever your issue is, it's not your fault. OK, then what? What are you going to DO about it? How are you going to overcome your non-idyllic circumstance? What is your plan to raise yourself out of your circumstance and move forward in your life?  
• Leaders are always positive. If you try never to say anything negative, no one can say you said something negative. Think about it. Let's face it, who wants to be around someone who is negative and condescending all the time? Don't we all, rather, want to be around someone who is positive? 

   Leading is very hard. It is most challenging. Leading is difficult on a daily basis. Every day, you must wake up ready to make your 1000 decisions and make your case to accomplish your tasks, listen and hear, compromise and compliment, take criticism and kindly give constructive criticisms. It has been said if you ask 20 people in a room what they think, you will get 20 different answers. Taking those 20 different answers and making a plan forward requires diligence, diplomacy and discipline.
   We all look to our leaders to be better than we are. We may at times look to our leaders for guidance. We may see some of our leaders we can best relate to as role models. Who are your role models?   

The R.s.v.p., the "and Guest", Family Behaviour, & Wedding Crashing

   In light of the recent alleged Kennedy wedding crashing by Taylor Swift with her boyfriend Conor Kennedy, I thought it would be a good time to discuss the R.s.v.p.
   Allegedly, Conor Kennedy did not R.s.v.p. to his cousin, Victoria Gifford Kennedy, the Mother-of-the-Bride, when invited to a family wedding. Instead, he texted his cousin 1 hour before the wedding ceremony was to begin asking her if he could attend AND bring his famous girlfriend. She responded with a text clearly stating "Please do not come." The real question here is: Why did Conor not R.s.v.p. to the family wedding, and did Conor's invitation say "and Guest" or not.
  Even within families, believe it or not, there are rules of behavior that should be adhered to, or one ends up the inconsiderate, "bomb throwing" relative no one wants to deal with but has to invite out of respect for the family.   
   Clearly, Conor Kennedy, raised in high society and 18 years of age, is old enough to know better than to pull this stunt. He showed zero respect for his family who were nice enough to respect him and invite him to the family wedding. Conor should have known that for a sit down dinner, seating charts are worked out many weeks in advance.  Tables are set by the wedding planner the night before the event. As well, now days, there is a modern "Reply Card" and stamped envelope one needs only to tick off and drop in the mail by a certain "R.s.v.p. By" date.
  Apparently, when The-Mother-of-the-Bride asked Conor not to attend, he chose to completely ignore her and came to the wedding with his famous girlfriend, Taylor Swift. According to Mrs. Kennedy, after the couple arrived, she greeted them, and as politely as she could, asked them to please leave, twice. Allegedly, Miss Swift walked right past her as if she was not present.
  To be fair, Miss Swift may or may not have known she was not invited. However, she should have known her fame would cause an unwanted disruption at a wedding and may potentially take attention away from the Bride. Possibly a bit of a "bomb thrower" herself, she should not have accompanied her boyfriend last minute to this family wedding.  
   Y'all remember the R.s.v.p. Respondez-vous S'il Vous Plait. Or, please respond. Please do respond as soon as you receive the written snail mailed invitation or the e-vite/e-mail on your computer.
   Do not wait for your computer program to send you reminders that you have not responded. Do not wait for the Mother-of-the-Bride to call up your lazy, sorry, unorganized self and ask if you are coming to the wedding, or not.
   As a Registered Bridal Consultant, I can tell you there are two types of wedding customers. Those who immediately send in their R.s.v.p., then come in to purchase their wedding gifts as soon as they received the invitation (67%), and those pain in the rear, bomb throwing customers who, on the way to the wedding, silmoutaneously R.s.v.p and fly in the door in a panic to purchase a last minute gift for the Bride (33%). Then, these chaotic nincompoops have the gaul to complain that everything on the Bridal Registry is all ready filled. Really? Ya think? All I can say is some people love  and thrive on chaos, and if they do not have chaos present in their lives, they create chaos for themselves so they may wallow in it and in their minds, continue to thrive.
   Listen up. Weddings are very expensive and require lots of time consuming work from many family members, especially from the Mother-of-the-Bride. The family goes through many months of planning and tons of trouble to give their guests a memorable, meaningful ceremony and a delicious and entertaining Wedding Sit Down Dinner or Wedding Reception.
   Get your head out of your own egg shell of a world and get your act together. Prioritize your social schedule and social life and send in your R.s.v.p. A.S.A.P.!!   

Girl Power for the Summer



Girls Just Want To Have Fun!

From my book: "Forget-MeN-ot, Forget-Me-Never, Remember The Fun We Had Together"

Happy July 4th to all:))

10 Questions To Ask So As To Avoid 20 Years of 20 Questions

Whether it be a job interview or a first date, how do you really get to know someone? The following are 10 questions many psychologists recommend as the best for getting to know someone:

1. Who in your family are you the closest to?
2. What is your biggest fear?
3. What is your best natural, God given talent?
4. What quality do you most value in a life partner?
5. What is the biggest regret in your life so far?
6. What is your favorite mode of relaxation?
7. What is your earliest memory?
8. When did you last feel truly happy?
9. What do you feel about you, if anything, is shocking?
10. If you could have one "do over," in your life what would it be?

If you, yourself, do not know the answers to some of these questions, ask a family member or a very good friend to tell you. Sometimes we need our friends and family to tell us about ourselves...our natural talents and what we need to improve upon.

Enjoy!

George Washington's Rules of Civility: # 11- 20

According to The Civility Project*, George Washington's Rules of Civility & Decent Behaviour In Company and Conversation are attributed to a Jesuit Priest from around the 16th Century. Washington ended up with his own shorter version of these rules totalling 110.
The following are Washington's Rules of Civility #11-20, followed by The Sabot School of Etiquette's modern interpretation:

11. Washington: "Shift not yourself in the sight of others, nor gnaw your nails."

11. SSOE: Do not stretch out in public or bite your nails. I once saw a gentleman at breakfast with his entire family stretch his arms out while in his chair and he hit the waitress delivering 2 trays of food to his table. She toppled over, falling and dropping both trays of food all over their table, the gentleman and the floor. An all around mess and so embarrassing for the gentleman.

12. Washington: "Shake not the head, feet, or legs. Roll not the eyes, lift not one eyebrow higher than the other. Wry not the mouth, and bedew no man's face with your spittle by approaching too near when you speak."

12. SSOE: Don't fidget, roll your eyes, raise your eyebrow, or purse your lips at another person. Also, don't be a "close talker." People want the news, not the weather. The old Victorian rule during Afternoon Tea used to be "Do not touch your head." Notice how the Queen of England neither fidgets nor makes any facial gestures while in public. She also does not touch her head. She does not scratch her nose or place her hair behind her ears. Quite sure she does not spit while talking either. Try not touching your head during a meal. It is harder than it looks!

13. Washington: "Kill no vermin such as fleas, lice, ticks, & etc., in the sight of others. If you see any filth or thick spittle, put your foot dexterously upon it. If it be upon the clothes of your companions, put it off privately, and if it be upon your own clothes return thanks to him who puts it off.

13. SSOE: Don't kill bugs in front of others. Discretely, place your foot over any dirt. If you see a friend with fuzz on his or her clothes, discretely tell them or brush it off in private. Always thank someone when they may do the same for you. Always tell a very good friend or spouse they have something in their teeth, or something else that may embarrass them. They will be happy you care about them.

14. Washington: " Turn not your back to others especially in speaking. Jog not the table or desk on which another reads or writes. Lean not upon anyone. 

14. SSOE: In conversation, always try to face the person you are speaking to and in groups, always maintain an inclusive, open forum. Don't jar the table or desk of another person and do not lean on another person. Carefully, get up and down from the dining room table. Be careful not to hit the table with your legs. Don't lean on someone else at a party, unless you are six.

15. Washington: Keep nails clean and short, and your hands and teeth clean, yet without showing any concern for them.

15. SSOE: Pay attention to your ADL's (activities of daily living). Don't fuss with your nails, hands and teeth in public. Please, take a toothpick when leaving the restaurant, but please pick your teeth with the toothpick in the Restroom or in private, not in the parking lot while walking to your car. Yuck. Would you floss your teeth in public? My husband once sat in a lunch meeting filled with owners of large, successful businesses and watched one business owner pull out dental floss after finishing his lunch and floss his teeth. Needless to say, others at the conference table put their forks down and, ready or not, were finished with their lunch.    

16. Washington: Do not puff up the cheeks, loll not out the tongue; (do not) rub the hands or beard, thrust out the lips or bite them, or keep the lips too open or too close(d).

16. SSOE: Public facial gestures give away your emotions that others can see and they may think you are frustrated at them. Plus, fidgeting with your face does not come across well. My Mother always runs her tongue over her teeth under her lips right before a photo is taken, so consequently, many of my photos of her do not show her at her best. Always try to come across as your best.

17. Washington: Be no flatterer; neither play with any that delight not to be played with.

17. SSOE: Do not unabashedly flirt with others unless you mean it and do not play practical jokes on anyone, for any reason, ever. One never knows how others will internalize being flirted with when it is not warranted, and one never knows how someone will take a joke being played on them. In College, I once played a small practical joke on my roommate by putting those Styrofoam "peanuts" inside a few of her sweaters and shoes because her parents had sent her a package with "peanut" stuffing and we were laughing about how much we hated the "peanut" stuffing. Later, I was finding peanut stuffing inside absolutely everything I owned....for weeks. What may seem funny in your own head may not be funny in practice.

18. Washington: Read no letters, books or papers in company; but when there is a necessity for doing so, you must ask leave. Come not near the books or writings of another, so as to read them, unless them unasked. Also look not when another is writing a letter.  

18. SSOE: Do not read a book in a corner when at a gathering with company unless you have expressly asked every one's permission. It is also rude to sit on the train, subway, bus or plane and read over some one's shoulder. 

19. Washington: Let your countenance be pleasant, but in serious matters somewhat grave. 

19. SSOE: Be happy, but do not smile all the time. People may not trust the constant smile. They may think you are hiding something or are not genuine.

20. Washington: The gestures of the body must be suited to the discourse you are upon.

20. SSOE: Any book on body language is worth the price and the read. The language of unspoken and unwritten gestures does matter. Body language matters socially, it matters while in a job interview, it matters once on the job, and body language even matters at home.

* Some sharp students at The University of Virginia are updating George Washington's 110 rules in their own study called: "The Civility Project." For more information on George Washington's rules, writings and papers see: http://gwpapers.virginia.edu