Lesson in Civility in our Multi-Culti, More Secular Society

LTTE, Elle Magazine, Re: November Issue's Letter From The Editor: "Civility Lesson"

Dear Madam Editor,
   Having taught manners to kids since 1998, I commend you for having your son practice chivalrous behaviors that will take him everywhere in life. Do not be disappointed, however, in the reaction of others, although a coffee shop in any of the extremely expensive, exclusive communities in the Hampton's is not actual American reality, not to mention the $4 coffee. Try a local supermarket, hair salon, dry cleaner, or nursing home in Queens or Garden City.
   Regarding the remainder of your civility letter, we now live in a more secular, more dangerous, multi-culti international celebrity society. With celebrities on the covers of magazines since the 1980's (thanks to Anna Wintour), 24 hour Cable entertainment, screaming Cable talk TV, and the Internet with Facebook and Blogs, everyone can be a critic and celebrity in their own increasingly isolated and anonymous self-created eggshell world.
   We have gotten away from 3 generations of families living together and neighbors taking dinner to other neighbors in need. People buzz in and out of busy, luxury coffee shops, but I do not know why and where they are in such a hurry to go, that they cannot bother to thank a kind child trying to do better. Possibly, we all need to pause, and search our souls for where we want to be in life, as opposed to where the media tells us we need to be in life.
   All I know is that good manners will take one everywhere in life. Civility never goes out of fashion, although it might have been left out on the "Red Carpet" or stored in the Vintage shops at the moment.

Impressions. New Skills. New Messages. How Long Do New Skills Take to Sink In?

First impressions. Second impressions General impressions. How long does it take to make an impression? 1 minute? 5 minutes? 10 minutes? Try 5 seconds.

• You have 5 seconds to make an impression. 
• You must practice a new skill for 21 days to start a pattern.
• It will take 100 days for your new skill to become automatic.
• A new skill is forgotten in 30 days.
• Practice is necessary because 66% of a message is forgotten in 24 hours.
• It takes 8 days of constant reminding for 90% of new information to be retained in 30 days.

 

Little Things

 

It's the little things we do or say

That make or break the beauty of the average passing day,

Hearts, like doors, will open with ease,

To very, very little keys.

And don't forget that two of these

Are "I thank you," and "If you please."

America's Sweetheart Was Shirley Temple, Now Our Sweetheart Is Honey Boo Boo...What The Heck Happened?

   This eye popping post popped up on my Facebook "facepage" feed today. After a first laugh, a few seconds later at second glance, the black & white, and color of it all sunk in. I was taken aback. A bit agape. Slightly aghast.
   In 70+ years, or so, we as an American society have gone from watching and "Liking" lovely, dignified, respectful, thoughtful, mannered, lady-like Shirley Temple type role models to watching and liking" undignified, unladylike, and apparently unfiltered type role models such as Honey Boo Boo.   
What the heck happened to us as a society and what type of role models do we now choose? Cynics will say the picture post is just a joke. Calm down. Chill out and don't take this post seriously, but above, or below, the humor, isn't this post a reflection of sorts?
   It is said that 50% of what is said as a joke is considered to be the truth. Those whom we pick as leaders and role models: are they not a reflection of who we admire or want to be?
   We at The Sabot School of Etiquette always say: One does not have to have money to have manners. One must only have self-respect, dignity, determination to be better, and a wherewith all to listen, and learn. Bad manners will take one nowhere in life. Good Manners will take one anywhere and everywhere in life.  

This image is from the Facebook page "Paint The Town Red"

The Unspoken, Unwritten Language of the Debate

  Debating is merely trying to solve a problem in an organized, civilized manner and format. The debate is a controlled argument with rules. There are High School and College debate rules, the NDT( National Debate Tournament), the CEDA (Cross-Examination Debate Association). There are 4 types of debates: Parliamentary, Lincoln-Douglas (value), Cross Examination, and Academic. There is proposition and opposition, affirmative burden of proof and negative rebuttal, constructive speeches and rebuttal speeches. Reams of books have been written and courses have been taught on how to debate. One could go on forever explaining debating.
   So, what comes across on camera in a debate beyond the spoken word? What does the audience take away from your words other than your words? The answer is: your demeanor, your mannerisms, body language, command of language, knowledge of the subject of debate, general intelligence, character, temperament, and eventually it is your aura we see on screen. Your upbringing. Your very being. Your soul.

The following are simply a few tips for debate:

• Walk out on stage deliberately and calmly.
• Politely make eye contact and firmly shake hands with your opponent.
• Try to be the first to say to your opponent: "It is very nice to see you" which places you psychologically ahead of your opponent. If they answer with the same phrase, say: "Thank you", which again places you psychologically ahead of your opponent.    
• Stand up straight and place your hands firmly on each side of the podium.
• Smile with your eyes from your heart.
• Look your opponent in the eyes when debating. Look alternately at the moderator as well. Look at the audience during your closing point.
• Speak a bit slower, louder and clearer than you normally do without sounding condescending.
• Never say "never." Leave yourself an "out."
• Avoid saying "always." Again, leave yourself an "out."
• Try not to repeat yourself and switch up your language, phrases and jargon often.
• Don't say "um", "and" or "uh." Don't pause for too long. Don't rush either.
• Pace yourself evenly and relax. Try to enjoy the moment and your time on the podium.  
• Avoid common colloquialisms as people hear them so often, they tune them out. Then, they tune you out.
• Do not use the "you" message. Using the "You" message sounds accusatory. 
• Use the "I" message. Using the "I" message sounds more positive.
• Truisms are better than colloquialisms.
• Be pithy, succinct, concise and clear.
• Study your debate topic. Read books, encyclopedias, newspapers, search the Internet, and interview local college and university professors about your topic.
• Be determined, passionate and strong with conviction.
• Back up your opinions with facts. Cite your sources.
• No risk, no return. Competition has its stresses, then its rewards.
• Do not use humor, unless it is self deprecating. Laughing at yourself shows you have a sense of humor and humility. Laughing at someone else may risk offending them.
• Use your logic and wit.
• Don't talk about "woulda, coulda, shoulda."
• Talk about facts, numbers, data, and specific plans. Then, cite your sources.
• Be as open, spontaneous and persuasive as possible without becoming too animated or manic.
• Remember: Just the facts man. Facts, more facts and still more facts. 
• Clothing is important. Expensive clothing is not necessary, but clean, fitted clothing is a must. One only needs one outfit. Classic, simple Chanel-style clothing always works. Less is more.    

Be positive, positive, positive, and smile. Try to relax, have some fun and enjoy the moment. Talk facts, specific plans, and numbers. Be brief and simple in your answers. Don't get too complicated in your explanations or into too much detail or you will risk getting into the weeds. Stay on point or you will loose your audience. Again, look your opponent in the eyes and smile. :))

Flag Etiquette and the Sticky Edge of the Envelope

   As a kid of the 1960's, I remember seeing Vietnam War protesters burning the flag, and knew it was wrong. As a Counselor at camp during flag raising, I remember knowing not to hang the flag upside down or drop the flag onto the ground. I also knew the flag had to be folded a certain way. But, did you know there are many other rules regarding the American flag. Some refer to it as the "Flag Code." So, this week when the Obama campaign released its new Obama version of the American flag, I paused and wondered, is this artist's interpretation, rendering, or remake of our American flag proper?

A few American Flag Code rules include:

• "The flag should be lighted at all times, either by sunlight or by an appropriate light source."
• "The flag should be flown in fair weather, unless the flag is designed for inclement weather use."
• The flag should never be dipped to any person or thing. It is flown upside down only as a distress signal."
• "The flag should never be used for any advertising purposes. It should not be embroidered, printed or otherwise impressed on such articles as cushions, handkerchiefs, napkins, boxes, or anything intended to be discarded after temporary use. Advertising signs should not be attached to the staff or halyard. "
• "The flag should not be used for any decoration in general. Bunting of blue, white and red stripes is available for these purposes. The blue stripe of the bunting should be on the top."
• "The flag should never have placed upon it, nor on any part of it, nor attached to it, any mark, insignia, letter, word, figure, design, picture or drawing of any nature."
• The flag should never be used for receiving, holding, carrying, or delivering anything.
• The flag should never be used as part of a costume or athletic uniform, except that a flag patch may be used on the uniform of military personnel, fireman, policeman, and members of patriotic organizations.

American flag faux pas by the normal, the rich, the political and the famous have also made the news.
Some examples are:

• Ralph Lauren 1984 Fall Ready-to-Wear collection shows his now iconic flag sweater.
• Super Bowl 2004: Kid Rock wore a flag poncho.
• July 2003: President Bush autographed a small flag.
• 9-11-2003: President and Mrs. Bush stood on a flag carpet at a Ground Zero ceremony.
• June 10 in Albania: a man in the crowd watching a parade wears flag shorts.
• Reno, Nevada, 10-2-2007: The Mexican flag was placed above the American flag on a flagpole at a local bar.
• January 19, 2009: newly inaugurated President Obama makes available to citizens flags with his image and name overprinted onto the flag.
• May 31, 2011: MSNBC properly reports a painted flag on the side of Sarah Palin's campaign bus. There is a long unchallenged tradition of politicians using the American flag for campaigning purposes, but it is still against the flag code.
• March 2012: Democratic headquarters, Lake County, Florida: A flag depicting President Obama's face in the blue field in place of the stars, was removed in response from complaints from local veterans.

Last week, the Obama campaign made available an artist's remake of the American flag with the Obama campaign logo in place of the blue stripes, and blurred and faded out the red stripes. There were no white stripes, they were interpreted as blank or intended in the body of the image. This artist's version of our flag was also available in the shape of the map of the USA.

What are your thoughts about this use of our American flag? Is it pushing the sticky part of the edge of the envelope?

"No disrespect should be shown to the flag of the United States of America."
"The flag represents a living country and is itself considered a living thing."

Flag Code information gathered from: www.ushistory.org/flag
                                                              www.usa-flag-site.org
                                                              click on 'American Flag Etiquette' link

4 Easy Steps For Writing A "Thank-you" Note

   Procrastinating writing the dreaded "Thank-you" note? Writing your note is not hard if you break your task up into 4 easy steps.
   In general, all "Thank-you" notes should be hand written within 24 hours. "Thank you" e-mail notes are slowly becoming more acceptable among close friends and family. However, older generations still enjoy receiving their "Thank-you" notes by snail mail. A "Thank-you" note should be written even if you receive a gift in person and verbally thank the gift giver. All "Thank-you" notes should be age appropriate and on age appropriate stationery. Check your sentence structure, grammar and spelling. A heartfelt "Thank you" should always be intrinsic within the body of your note. The words "Thank you" need not be on the outside of the note. Please do not ever begin your "Thank-you" note with "Thank you for the..." unless you are 6 years old. Parents may also, of course, help their children write "Thank-you" notes as this practice is fantastic training for a mannerly and eloquent life later on as an adult.

4 steps towards a completed "Thank-you" Note:

1. "Dear ________,"
2. "We had such a nice time seeing you last night in your lovely home (thank the host for their hospitality and including you)" or "Just loving my (insert gift)." (Describe how you have used, displayed or worn your gift).
3. Now you may write: "Thank you for including us"..."Thank you for thinking of us..." or "Thank you for the..." 
4. "Fondly", "Sincerely" or "Love" (sign your name)

   Remember, the best "Thank-you" notes come from the heart. You are done! See, wasn't that easy?!

Do You Possess Diplomatic Skills?

The Sabot School of Etiquette touches on one of the definitions of a Diplomat which is:
"Doing nothing and saying nothing nicely." - Unknown

Diplomacy is a bit more difficult to define. The following is a list of quotes describing diplomacy:

• "Diplomacy is thinking twice before saying nothing." - Unknown
• "Diplomacy is the art of letting someone have your way." - Daniele Vare
• "There are people who can do all fine and heroic things but one: keep from telling their          happiness to the unhappy." - Mark Twain
• "Be polite: write diplomatically; even in a declaration of war one observes the rules of politeness." - Otto von Bismarck

   Diplomats have been around since the Greek and Roman Empires. When we speak of diplomats, we are usually talking about international diplomats and international diplomacy.
   To be a diplomat, one must possess many different charismatic manners, leadership skills and more specific skills including: tact, listening, sensitivity, positive body language, and politeness. One must also pause and reflect. One must listen and be able to arbitrate a mutually acceptable solution to the problem at hand, accept the result, and move on to solve the next challenge. One must remain non-confrontational, yet quietly strong and competent.
   One must also have a sense of humor, but humor is tricky. Humor does not always translate well, especially internationally. Self-deprecating humor is usually the best type of humor to show because you risk offending no one but yourself!
   Also, sometimes not talking or not answering is just as important as talking and answering. What is unspoken and unwritten is sometimes just as important as what is spoken and written.
   Whether one is negotiating an international treaty or negotiating nap time with your Mother, calm, steady, polite demeanor combined with a peace of heart wins out in the long run every time.

Bon chance!