George Washington's Rules of Civility: # 11- 20

According to The Civility Project*, George Washington's Rules of Civility & Decent Behaviour In Company and Conversation are attributed to a Jesuit Priest from around the 16th Century. Washington ended up with his own shorter version of these rules totalling 110.
The following are Washington's Rules of Civility #11-20, followed by The Sabot School of Etiquette's modern interpretation:

11. Washington: "Shift not yourself in the sight of others, nor gnaw your nails."

11. SSOE: Do not stretch out in public or bite your nails. I once saw a gentleman at breakfast with his entire family stretch his arms out while in his chair and he hit the waitress delivering 2 trays of food to his table. She toppled over, falling and dropping both trays of food all over their table, the gentleman and the floor. An all around mess and so embarrassing for the gentleman.

12. Washington: "Shake not the head, feet, or legs. Roll not the eyes, lift not one eyebrow higher than the other. Wry not the mouth, and bedew no man's face with your spittle by approaching too near when you speak."

12. SSOE: Don't fidget, roll your eyes, raise your eyebrow, or purse your lips at another person. Also, don't be a "close talker." People want the news, not the weather. The old Victorian rule during Afternoon Tea used to be "Do not touch your head." Notice how the Queen of England neither fidgets nor makes any facial gestures while in public. She also does not touch her head. She does not scratch her nose or place her hair behind her ears. Quite sure she does not spit while talking either. Try not touching your head during a meal. It is harder than it looks!

13. Washington: "Kill no vermin such as fleas, lice, ticks, & etc., in the sight of others. If you see any filth or thick spittle, put your foot dexterously upon it. If it be upon the clothes of your companions, put it off privately, and if it be upon your own clothes return thanks to him who puts it off.

13. SSOE: Don't kill bugs in front of others. Discretely, place your foot over any dirt. If you see a friend with fuzz on his or her clothes, discretely tell them or brush it off in private. Always thank someone when they may do the same for you. Always tell a very good friend or spouse they have something in their teeth, or something else that may embarrass them. They will be happy you care about them.

14. Washington: " Turn not your back to others especially in speaking. Jog not the table or desk on which another reads or writes. Lean not upon anyone. 

14. SSOE: In conversation, always try to face the person you are speaking to and in groups, always maintain an inclusive, open forum. Don't jar the table or desk of another person and do not lean on another person. Carefully, get up and down from the dining room table. Be careful not to hit the table with your legs. Don't lean on someone else at a party, unless you are six.

15. Washington: Keep nails clean and short, and your hands and teeth clean, yet without showing any concern for them.

15. SSOE: Pay attention to your ADL's (activities of daily living). Don't fuss with your nails, hands and teeth in public. Please, take a toothpick when leaving the restaurant, but please pick your teeth with the toothpick in the Restroom or in private, not in the parking lot while walking to your car. Yuck. Would you floss your teeth in public? My husband once sat in a lunch meeting filled with owners of large, successful businesses and watched one business owner pull out dental floss after finishing his lunch and floss his teeth. Needless to say, others at the conference table put their forks down and, ready or not, were finished with their lunch.    

16. Washington: Do not puff up the cheeks, loll not out the tongue; (do not) rub the hands or beard, thrust out the lips or bite them, or keep the lips too open or too close(d).

16. SSOE: Public facial gestures give away your emotions that others can see and they may think you are frustrated at them. Plus, fidgeting with your face does not come across well. My Mother always runs her tongue over her teeth under her lips right before a photo is taken, so consequently, many of my photos of her do not show her at her best. Always try to come across as your best.

17. Washington: Be no flatterer; neither play with any that delight not to be played with.

17. SSOE: Do not unabashedly flirt with others unless you mean it and do not play practical jokes on anyone, for any reason, ever. One never knows how others will internalize being flirted with when it is not warranted, and one never knows how someone will take a joke being played on them. In College, I once played a small practical joke on my roommate by putting those Styrofoam "peanuts" inside a few of her sweaters and shoes because her parents had sent her a package with "peanut" stuffing and we were laughing about how much we hated the "peanut" stuffing. Later, I was finding peanut stuffing inside absolutely everything I owned....for weeks. What may seem funny in your own head may not be funny in practice.

18. Washington: Read no letters, books or papers in company; but when there is a necessity for doing so, you must ask leave. Come not near the books or writings of another, so as to read them, unless them unasked. Also look not when another is writing a letter.  

18. SSOE: Do not read a book in a corner when at a gathering with company unless you have expressly asked every one's permission. It is also rude to sit on the train, subway, bus or plane and read over some one's shoulder. 

19. Washington: Let your countenance be pleasant, but in serious matters somewhat grave. 

19. SSOE: Be happy, but do not smile all the time. People may not trust the constant smile. They may think you are hiding something or are not genuine.

20. Washington: The gestures of the body must be suited to the discourse you are upon.

20. SSOE: Any book on body language is worth the price and the read. The language of unspoken and unwritten gestures does matter. Body language matters socially, it matters while in a job interview, it matters once on the job, and body language even matters at home.

* Some sharp students at The University of Virginia are updating George Washington's 110 rules in their own study called: "The Civility Project." For more information on George Washington's rules, writings and papers see: http://gwpapers.virginia.edu

The Sorbet Course & Avoiding Brain Freeze

  Bonjour! The word "sorbet" is French for "sherbet". Parlais vous Francais?
  Sorbet is simply fruited ice made from the syrup of fruit. Sorbet is served between courses, usually between the entree and dessert. The purpose of sorbet is to cleanse the palette. Who wants to eat ice cream after having eaten salmon?
 Sorbet can also be served between a fish and a meat course, or simply for a light dessert.  
   When served on a plate with salad, fruit or the meat course, sorbet is eaten with a fork.  If served in a bowl between courses or as a dessert, sorbet is eaten with a spoon. When sherbet or "sorbet" is part of the baked Alaska dessert, or other cake or pie, it is eaten with a dessert fork and dessert spoon.
   No matter how you eat sorbet, just be sure to eat it in small bites or you will give yourself "brain freeze" as the Anne Hathaway character did in the popular movie "The Princess Diaries."
  The sorbet course may be served in a cup, small bowl, or footed dish. The Victorians even had a designated piece of stemware named for the sorbet course. The "Sherbet Dish." This fancy crystal footed Sherbet Dish also may have its own matching plate, and is served with a small demi-tasse sized spoon.
  So, enjoy the warm summer and treat yourself to a cool, simple dessert of "Sorbet."  
 

Memorial Day and the Thin Veneer of Civilization

From my book: "Forget-Me-Not, Forget-Me-Never, Remember the Fun We Had Together: Reminiscences and Memories of New York" 

Soldiers and Sailors Monument
New York City, 1907

Margaret Thatcher, the former Prime Minister of Britain once said: "The veneer of civilization is very thin."

Once a society looses its faith, virtue and civility, how do we get it back?

I say wealth is fragile.

If America looses its wealth, we loose our
free ability to fuel capitalism, thus,
we loose our free opportunities to pursue
"The American Dream."

This Memorial Day, remember our fallen because it is our fallen whom have kept us a free society.

Free to work toward our own American dream for ourselves and our families.

Happy Memorial Day! Remember and Enjoy!

Traditional Dinner Protocol at The White House

Our Mothers say to us as children: "Mind your table manners, for one day, you may be invited to the White House for dinner." Well, what if you are invited to the White House for dinner? What is the Protocol? The following are a few tips:

• Of course, put the rest of your life on hold. Immediately accept the invitation. Being invited for a meal at the White House is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
• Hand write your response in fine black ink on a fine stationery, folded once. Hand deliver or have delivered by messenger your acceptance as follows: 

Mr. and Mrs. William Wordly

have the honor to accept

the kind invitation of

the President and Mrs. Washington

for dinner on Thursday the twenty-sixth of April

at eight o'clock

• Study up on the following forms of service. Each President chooses what type of service to use in his White House. Forms of service include:
•  Service a la russe (1860's style) was whole food paraded around the dining room on decorated platters, then taken into the kitchen, cut up and served. Women are served first. 
• Service a la russe (Modern style) is a 'gueridon' with a side burner 'rechaud' brought to the table and the dish is prepared in front of the guest. Women are served first. (The Homestead in Virginia still uses this service). 
• Service a la anglaise  Server presents the arranged platter from left and serves the guests, Women are served first. (This style service allows the host to control the portions offered).
• Service a la francaise  Guests serve themselves from the presented platter. Women are presented the platter first. (The Dominican Republic uses this style of service).    
• Service American Style  Food served already on plate.
• Buffet style service has been recently added to the forms of service used at the White House (former President Clinton added this style of service).
•  Arrive at least a few minutes early, and quickly assemble in the Blue Room. Do not linger around in the Foyer or Drawing Room. Exactly like a European court, the President and the First Lady of the Land will descend the Blue Room stairs promptly at eight o'clock.
• When spoken to, one must refer to the President as "Mr. President." One may vary one's answers with "Sir."
• In conversation, always refer to the President as "President Washington", never just plain "Washington," as this practice is considered bad form and is disrespectful of the office. 
•  Refer to the wife of the President as Mrs. Washington, and treat her as you would any formal hostess. 
• Do not sit down until the President and First Lady are seated.
• Touch nothing (not even your napkin) until the President and First Lady place their own napkins on their laps. 
• Place cards will dictate where one sits. If the place card is on top of your plate, place it first to your right, then later, to your left. This way, you will be sure to talk to the person on your right and on your left during your meal. 
• No one gets up during the meal. Not even to the "Powder Room."
• No alcohol is served during the meal.
• The menu is simple and neutral due to many food allergies.
• Most meals are 4 courses. Each course lasts about 20 minutes. Pace yourself to finish your course neither first nor last.
• There is no bread and butter plate and no bread or butter served (messy).
• Sauces served on foods, if at all, are kept to a minimum (drippy).
• Garlic is never used (lingering bad breath).
• Never leave the table until the President and First Lady have withdrawn from the room.
• After the meal, there may be a different venue such as music in the Music Room, and one may have the chance to have your photograph made with the President. Thanks to the thoughtfully planned menu, one can be sure to have decent breath, and no bread-crumbs or sauce on your clothing.
• Clean or nearly clean your plate, so the chef knows you enjoyed your meal. Roland Mesnier, the Executive Chef for the White House for the past 26 years says: "Plates don't lie." : 

These tips were collected and adapted from:

The Richmond Times Dispatch, September 14, 2011, article: "Savor The White House" by Holly Prestidge, and the book: "Etiquette" by Emily Post, 1937.

White Dinner Jacket and Tuxedo Etiquette Tips

Going to a Black Tie party this summer in Tuxedo Park, New York? Going to an evening wedding in Newport or Long Island? Maybe just a simple, lovely dinner with your spouse on a special date night. The following are a few practical tips and a few fun tips you may enjoy:))

"Of course, if you want to be very smart, you must not say anything but "dinner coat" --which is quite all right if those you say it to, know what you mean! At all events, the tuxedo is merely the English dinner coat, which was first introduced in this country at the Tuxedo Club to provide something less formal than the swallowtail, and the nickname has clung ever since."

Tuxedo or White Dinner Jacket (Memorial Day through Labor Day only), should be worn to a Formal Black Tie wedding or party from 6:00 p.m. on, although, I have read that Tux may be worn during daylight hours if, and only if, the daylight goes on into an evening wedding reception or party. So, wearing Tux to a 5:00 p.m. or a 5:30 p.m. wedding or party can be done. Best also, as a precaution, to call and ask what the Father of the Bride, Groom and Groomsmen are wearing.
   
**  My husband and I once attended a Virginia wedding in which a formal thermographed, yet as most would consider now to be old fashioned, wedding invitation was sent without a "Reply Card", so the R.s.v.p. had to be hand written. This traditional summer wedding was at 5:00 p.m. at a small church in the country, and the outdoor reception followed at the country home. The Father of the Bride was in White Tie, the Groom and Groomsmen wore Black Tie. 95% of the male wedding guests wore Black Tie. One person showed up in a White Dinner Jacket (more of an eggshell with a shawl collar - very 'Great Gatsby'). The Bridesmaids were in long dresses, and 90% of all the women showed up in thin, silk, short, knee length, day dresses as opposed to Cocktail Suits, or dressy Tea Length dress of which there were few, as the reception was outside and still 90 degrees at night. My husband was properly dressed in a handsome navy summer wool suit with a silk tie, yet felt like a duck out of water, because only about 5% of the other men had on a suit. It was the strangest wedding I have ever been to as far as fashion. Usually, the women are the ones who overdress. Again, best to check out what the wedding party is wearing.

"The shawl collar is supposed to be less formal than lapels."

"The reason for the turned up cuff is to keep clear of mud." 

"A butterfly bow shape is correct in plain black silk or satin. Fancy evening ties are bad form."

"The most practical hat for town wear in winter, both for full-dress and dinner coat, is an opera hat which collapses, instead of the regular high silk one."

"In summer a straw or gray soft hat is proper, whether in town or country."

The tips in italics are from the 1937 book: "Etiquette" by Emily Post, pages 726 and 727.
**Cautionary tale of woe from the author.

Who Are You Hungry For As Your Saviour: God or The Government?

   As a teenager, how many times did you hear the expression: "As long as you live under our roof, you must abide by our rules." As an adult, you may say to yourself: "Life is what we make it." In the Science Fiction book and movie: "The Hunger Games," we hear the citizens in this post-apocalyptic society repeating in unison, Gandhi's quote: "You be the change you want to see in the world."
   My 12 year old grand-daughter's favorite part of the book was the heroine's ability to live and survive in the woods, hunting her own food with bow and arrow and knowing which berries, nuts, mushrooms and leaves to eat and which were poisonous. In our book club, we discussed why 30 million copies of this youth book were sold and decided teens liked this story for its protagonist, Katniss Everdeen. We follow alongside Katniss in this topical thriller, witness to her transformation from a strong, self-sufficient teenager just wanting to survive the 'Games', to a virtuous, giving woman, willing to sacrifice her own life for the life of another.
   The story unveils the vices of the government worshiping, game playing, game makers: the citizens of District I. The Capitol, called Panem, after the Latin for 'bread' is supposed to be equal to the other 11 Districts, but clearly it is not. In any equal society, someone has to run it, right? Panem's circus-like citizens look like Lilly Pulitzer gone wild in South Beach. These corrupt citizens unknowingly live out the Hellish Seven Deadly Sins in an Orwellian style, Godless, grand scale Reality TV world. The citizens are rich, and sumptuous buffets of food are always present, yet wasted. These privileged government workers are thin because they are so vein, unlike in the other 11 Districts where food is scarce. Government rations are available, but for a price...your life. Every time you take a government ration of food to feed your family and oil to heat your house, your name is entered into the lottery for another chance to be forced into participation as a "Tribute" for "The Hunger Games." Meanwhile, the pampered citizens of Panem are are overdone on plastic surgery, narcissistic, gluttonous in their appetite for greed, wrathful, envious, and brutally shallow craving constant entertainment.
   The President of the 12 Districts, is dignified, charismatic, and TV ready, yet underneath the surface, is a hypocrite, cruel and divisive. Divide and conquer. He says he shows his citizens a little bit of hope by requiring the 'Games" be viewed by every citizen, but thinks too much hope is dangerous. He sounds like Lenin who referred to his citizens as: "Useful idiots." Too much hope may lead to another uprising against the government and undermine their total control. Those in the Capitol, need the plentiful natural resources of the other 11 dirt poor districts to live their luxurious lives, so control is crucial to their survival.    
   This adventure story shows the physiological 'fight or flight' stress reaction. It delves deep into the woods where wild animals are hunted, whether they be man or beast. It explores hatred for those one does not know, hatred for those in the know, and hatred for the government.
   On a different level, this tale tells a tender story of sacrifice, unrequited love, a love of family and friends, and an acceptance of self.
    In our book club discussion, the subject of why suicide never occurred to any one teen as they struggled for survival during the 'Games' was raised. The conclusion was that there was not enough hope and no faith in any type of afterlife within this secular society. The greatest sin was any sin against the all mighty government. A government that cradled you and initially meant to take care of you from birth to death. Ironically, 74 years later, it controlled uncontrollable things like the weather, the sunrise, and the stars.  
   The Capitol district, called Panem, or the Latin for "bread," sacrifice one boy and girl called "Careers" each year for the games. One of these "Careers" usually win as they each train their entire lives for what they call "their honor" to compete. Like a corporate culture, they all drink the Capitol Kool-aid and eat their cake. These sinful citizens of the capital with their fancy fashion and expensive plastic surgery, look like they should be contestants in their own Reality TV show.
   Ironically, it will be one virtuous boy and girl from the other 11 Districts who will be chosen in a lottery and forced to be the real players of "The Hunger Games." This 74th annual competition, a fight to the death, was conceived by the government and serves as punishment for a past rebellion. It also serves as a reminder the government is in control.
  Throughout this moving story, we hear different characters repeating what becomes a familiar line stated annually by a game official: "May the odds be ever in your favour", as though luck is even an option in any government controlled decision about your life. Unlike Reality TV, the ultimate dirty little secret of any "equal" society totally controlled and ultimately corrupted by any one entity ends up eventually to resemble the familiar Darwinian philosophy: "Live and let live."
  

American "Dollar Princesses", Britain's Cash Poor Aristocracy & The Famous Four Hundred

   In watching the hit TV series "Downton Abbey", I thought the character of the American Lady, Cora Crawley, might be loosely based on the famous teenager, Consuelo Vanderbilt. Everyone has heard the story of this bride married off in 1895 by her Mother to the Duke of Marlborough, thus, saving his estate Blenheim Palace where Winston Churchill was born. I felt sorry for Downton Abbey's "Cora" as I thought she might be the only American chatelaine in Britain.
   As it turns out, over 350 American heiresses were married off to British Aristocracy between the 1890's and WWI. Why? Simple reason. The British Aristocracy needed cash to keep their vast estates, and the daughters of the nouveau rich American Industrialists needed Title.
   As a result of these marriages, 25 Billion US dollars rolled into Britain's economy. Soon, As a result of this huge cash infusion, by the end of the 20th Century, 1/4 of The House of Lords had a transatlantic connection.
   Upon closing the marriage contract, these "Dollar Princesses" received their titles, immediately elevating their social status so they and their families could caper about with the established Mayflower and Main Line dynasties of New York and Philadelphia.
   With the new cash influx, the Landed Gentry of Britain could then keep their large estates with their thousands acres of land and grand houses intact. England was suffering not only from an agricultural depression but from a newly implemented tax called the "Death Duty," similar to our Estate Tax here in the US.
    Who were these American heiresses turned Ladies and Countesses? Well, we have all heard of Consuelo Vanderbilt (Railway heiress), but are y'all familiar with Winaretta Singer (sewing machine heiress), Mary Leiter, (Chicago department store heiress), Jennie Jerome (NY real estate developer heiress), Minnie Stevens and Nancy Astor (hotel heiresses). Even Princess Diana's great-grandmother was an American.
   This influx of transatlantic marriages became so popular, entire industries popped up to accommodate their weddings, wedding trousseaus, lifestyles and needs. One such industry was a quarterly publication called: "The Titled American." This publication became the most popular of many publications for American heiresses looking for husbands, titles and instant social status.
   Back during the turn of the last century with the American Industrial Age, there were 1000 Millionaires living in New York.  Mrs. Astor could only fit 400 people into her ballroom, thus, was born the infamous "Four Hundred." Bottom line, Mrs. Astor would not admit the newly rich Vanderbilt's to her ballroom until Consuelo received her title "Duchess of Marlborough."
   Nancy Langhorne Astor, from Danville, Virginia, was the most accomplished of the "Dollar Princesses." She became the first woman Member of Parliament to take up her seat in the House of Commons. The American "Grand Experiment" saved many of Britain's grand estates!