George Washington's Rules of Civility: # 11- 20

According to The Civility Project*, George Washington's Rules of Civility & Decent Behaviour In Company and Conversation are attributed to a Jesuit Priest from around the 16th Century. Washington ended up with his own shorter version of these rules totalling 110.
The following are Washington's Rules of Civility #11-20, followed by The Sabot School of Etiquette's modern interpretation:

11. Washington: "Shift not yourself in the sight of others, nor gnaw your nails."

11. SSOE: Do not stretch out in public or bite your nails. I once saw a gentleman at breakfast with his entire family stretch his arms out while in his chair and he hit the waitress delivering 2 trays of food to his table. She toppled over, falling and dropping both trays of food all over their table, the gentleman and the floor. An all around mess and so embarrassing for the gentleman.

12. Washington: "Shake not the head, feet, or legs. Roll not the eyes, lift not one eyebrow higher than the other. Wry not the mouth, and bedew no man's face with your spittle by approaching too near when you speak."

12. SSOE: Don't fidget, roll your eyes, raise your eyebrow, or purse your lips at another person. Also, don't be a "close talker." People want the news, not the weather. The old Victorian rule during Afternoon Tea used to be "Do not touch your head." Notice how the Queen of England neither fidgets nor makes any facial gestures while in public. She also does not touch her head. She does not scratch her nose or place her hair behind her ears. Quite sure she does not spit while talking either. Try not touching your head during a meal. It is harder than it looks!

13. Washington: "Kill no vermin such as fleas, lice, ticks, & etc., in the sight of others. If you see any filth or thick spittle, put your foot dexterously upon it. If it be upon the clothes of your companions, put it off privately, and if it be upon your own clothes return thanks to him who puts it off.

13. SSOE: Don't kill bugs in front of others. Discretely, place your foot over any dirt. If you see a friend with fuzz on his or her clothes, discretely tell them or brush it off in private. Always thank someone when they may do the same for you. Always tell a very good friend or spouse they have something in their teeth, or something else that may embarrass them. They will be happy you care about them.

14. Washington: " Turn not your back to others especially in speaking. Jog not the table or desk on which another reads or writes. Lean not upon anyone. 

14. SSOE: In conversation, always try to face the person you are speaking to and in groups, always maintain an inclusive, open forum. Don't jar the table or desk of another person and do not lean on another person. Carefully, get up and down from the dining room table. Be careful not to hit the table with your legs. Don't lean on someone else at a party, unless you are six.

15. Washington: Keep nails clean and short, and your hands and teeth clean, yet without showing any concern for them.

15. SSOE: Pay attention to your ADL's (activities of daily living). Don't fuss with your nails, hands and teeth in public. Please, take a toothpick when leaving the restaurant, but please pick your teeth with the toothpick in the Restroom or in private, not in the parking lot while walking to your car. Yuck. Would you floss your teeth in public? My husband once sat in a lunch meeting filled with owners of large, successful businesses and watched one business owner pull out dental floss after finishing his lunch and floss his teeth. Needless to say, others at the conference table put their forks down and, ready or not, were finished with their lunch.    

16. Washington: Do not puff up the cheeks, loll not out the tongue; (do not) rub the hands or beard, thrust out the lips or bite them, or keep the lips too open or too close(d).

16. SSOE: Public facial gestures give away your emotions that others can see and they may think you are frustrated at them. Plus, fidgeting with your face does not come across well. My Mother always runs her tongue over her teeth under her lips right before a photo is taken, so consequently, many of my photos of her do not show her at her best. Always try to come across as your best.

17. Washington: Be no flatterer; neither play with any that delight not to be played with.

17. SSOE: Do not unabashedly flirt with others unless you mean it and do not play practical jokes on anyone, for any reason, ever. One never knows how others will internalize being flirted with when it is not warranted, and one never knows how someone will take a joke being played on them. In College, I once played a small practical joke on my roommate by putting those Styrofoam "peanuts" inside a few of her sweaters and shoes because her parents had sent her a package with "peanut" stuffing and we were laughing about how much we hated the "peanut" stuffing. Later, I was finding peanut stuffing inside absolutely everything I owned....for weeks. What may seem funny in your own head may not be funny in practice.

18. Washington: Read no letters, books or papers in company; but when there is a necessity for doing so, you must ask leave. Come not near the books or writings of another, so as to read them, unless them unasked. Also look not when another is writing a letter.  

18. SSOE: Do not read a book in a corner when at a gathering with company unless you have expressly asked every one's permission. It is also rude to sit on the train, subway, bus or plane and read over some one's shoulder. 

19. Washington: Let your countenance be pleasant, but in serious matters somewhat grave. 

19. SSOE: Be happy, but do not smile all the time. People may not trust the constant smile. They may think you are hiding something or are not genuine.

20. Washington: The gestures of the body must be suited to the discourse you are upon.

20. SSOE: Any book on body language is worth the price and the read. The language of unspoken and unwritten gestures does matter. Body language matters socially, it matters while in a job interview, it matters once on the job, and body language even matters at home.

* Some sharp students at The University of Virginia are updating George Washington's 110 rules in their own study called: "The Civility Project." For more information on George Washington's rules, writings and papers see: http://gwpapers.virginia.edu

The Sorbet Course & Avoiding Brain Freeze

  Bonjour! The word "sorbet" is French for "sherbet". Parlais vous Francais?
  Sorbet is simply fruited ice made from the syrup of fruit. Sorbet is served between courses, usually between the entree and dessert. The purpose of sorbet is to cleanse the palette. Who wants to eat ice cream after having eaten salmon?
 Sorbet can also be served between a fish and a meat course, or simply for a light dessert.  
   When served on a plate with salad, fruit or the meat course, sorbet is eaten with a fork.  If served in a bowl between courses or as a dessert, sorbet is eaten with a spoon. When sherbet or "sorbet" is part of the baked Alaska dessert, or other cake or pie, it is eaten with a dessert fork and dessert spoon.
   No matter how you eat sorbet, just be sure to eat it in small bites or you will give yourself "brain freeze" as the Anne Hathaway character did in the popular movie "The Princess Diaries."
  The sorbet course may be served in a cup, small bowl, or footed dish. The Victorians even had a designated piece of stemware named for the sorbet course. The "Sherbet Dish." This fancy crystal footed Sherbet Dish also may have its own matching plate, and is served with a small demi-tasse sized spoon.
  So, enjoy the warm summer and treat yourself to a cool, simple dessert of "Sorbet."  
 

Memorial Day and the Thin Veneer of Civilization

From my book: "Forget-Me-Not, Forget-Me-Never, Remember the Fun We Had Together: Reminiscences and Memories of New York" 

Soldiers and Sailors Monument
New York City, 1907

Margaret Thatcher, the former Prime Minister of Britain once said: "The veneer of civilization is very thin."

Once a society looses its faith, virtue and civility, how do we get it back?

I say wealth is fragile.

If America looses its wealth, we loose our
free ability to fuel capitalism, thus,
we loose our free opportunities to pursue
"The American Dream."

This Memorial Day, remember our fallen because it is our fallen whom have kept us a free society.

Free to work toward our own American dream for ourselves and our families.

Happy Memorial Day! Remember and Enjoy!

The Miniature Earth, India at $1/ Day and Landfill "Picker" Etiquette

For many in India, landfill is a livelihood and a home

Since our inception, The Sabot School of Etiquette has been including with its workbook for each student, a handout from: www.miniature-earth.com. This website boils the world population down to a small community of 100 people. Among other social, ethnic, religious and economic statistics, The Miniature Earth Project states that 47 people within this community of 100 live on $2 per day, and 25 people live on $1 per day.

As Director of The Sabot School of Etiquette, this handout is important to me personally because I have lived abroad and traveled extensively throughout Europe and the Caribbean, and I want to show our students how fortunate they are to live in America and how well we live here in this great country. However, reading this article about India's landfill "pickers" left me agape, flummoxed and gobsmacked. This article from The Los Angeles Times entitled: "Landfill is a livelihood for many people in India", by Mark Magnier, is to say the least, starkly shocking.

 With India's growing middle class, there is growing consumption, therefore, growing garbage. At the bottom of a traditionally cultural "caste system" which unfortunately still exists in India today, people literally line up to risk their health and lives, for a job known as a "Picker." These hard working human beings, born into the lowest class of India's caste system, are striving to feed their families, rise above their class, earn money to educate their children, and do better for their families.

It is hard to believe in a modern, global, Internet driven, social network world of 2012, any government would have its citizens, adults and children, picking through acres of already picked through garbage at all, especially with no shoes or gloves, and would further have these brave souls just trying to survive and feed their families, to then have to pay 50% of their daily $2 earnings to a boss for "rent", so they may have a cardboard shack of a 2 room "house" to live in with 1 light bulb for 6 people in their tiny dwelling. Apparently, there are many people in line for these "picker" jobs.

The landfill even has its hierarchy and etiquette. The article states: "Buyers pay 5 cents a pound for plastic bags and $18 (per pound) for human hair, used for wigs." Fights for turf are common, so the article advises: "Some finer points of picker etiquette: Don't talk to bulldozer drivers, and scrounge only what is in front of you." The new news is that the government is thinking about streamlining and automating these landfills, leaving its 1.7 million garbage "Pickers" without a job, without any alternative job, or any hope for any kind of life.

The story told in this article is an absolute testament to the virtuous human spirit, even in the midst of an emerging modern society, an inept government, what should be an outdated class "caste" system, religious bias, and the most horrible work conditions anyone could ever imagine. 

There is an old saying in India: "Everything will be all right in the end." Wow. Lovely sentiment, but what about the here and now?

Handwritten Notes, Bunny Mellon and Manners Money

One does not have to have money to have manners.

A handwritten note on plain notebook paper is the proof. Mrs. "Bunny" Mellon, heiress, philanthropist, and clearly in the 1%, hand wrote a note to the John Edwards campaign on good old plain notebook paper. She even drew a tree and mountains in the background. No fancy, fussy, expensive, monogrammed stationery needed.    

Are Blue and Green Books in a Multi-Culti Society Now Non-Applicable? Hello Facebook!

   By nature, of course, we all want a sense of "belongingness" and purposeful living for ourselves, our families and we aspire to a better life for our children and grand children. Traditionally, the 'Golden Rule' is: "He who has the most gold rules."
 Grown out of the American Gilded Age, selective social lists in America, signified instant inclusion into exclusive societies within golden cities such as Baltimore, Boston, Cincinnati, New Orleans, New York, Philadelphia, San Francisco and New York. These lists were so popular, families would often spend their whole lives trying to get onto these lists so they could be considered "In Society." However, in our modern, technology savvy, Internet driven, international, multiple cultural society of 2012, do these formerly WASP (White Anglo-Saxon Protestant) high society lists still apply?
    The New York Social Register, first published in 1886, is a suede navy blue directory of families from 'old money', mostly descendants of the Dutch and English settlers of New York. The Mayflower Society has its "Blue Book" too, and Washington D.C. society has its "Green Book." Does being included in these annual social books help one's financial and cultural upward mobility, happiness factor, self-confidence and sense of worth, or, are the inclusion in these directories now non-applicable?
   The Green Book was expanded in 1930 by Helen Ray Hagner. Her Aunt, Bell Hagner, was Mrs. Theodore Roosevelt's Social Secretary, the first White House Social Secretary in American history. Helen Hagner realized with each election, new government officials were ushered into Washington thus needed to be listed so they could be accessed. She added these Diplomats and elected officials to the old society, stayed families that had lived in Washington for many generations.
   The famous and most referenced "Blue Book", thought through folklore to be filled with Blue Bloods, grew out of the original 41 pilgrims that were listed as passengers on the Mayflower ship which landed in Plymouth, Massachusetts in 1620. These diverse, brave adventurers making this treacherous voyage to a new land were actually regular folks specifically seeking religious freedom, and all signed The Mayflower Compact, an important part of our Constitution.
   Their trades varied from a copper barrel-maker, an orphan, a wool comber, a Minister, servants, a carpenter, a surgeon, a farmer, a militia officer and a scholar. Half of these passengers died upon landing in America and during their first winter here in this untested land.
   Some of the more famous and interesting descendants of the Mayflower pilgrims include Julia Child the cook, Serena Armstrong-Jones also called Viscountess Linley, Frank Doubleday of Doubleday Publishing, Frederic Church the American painter, Clint Eastwood the actor, all the Baldwin brothers the actors, George Eastman of Eastman Kodak, Charles Dana Gibson of the 'Gibson Girls', John Lithgow the actor, General George McClellan of the Civil War, Adlai Stevenson the intellect, Noah Webster of Webster's Dictionary, William Whitney of the Whitney Museum and New York society philanthropist, and Christopher Reeve the actor.
   All in all, the price of gold goes up and down, those with the gold go in and out of society, and the rules of society are always changing and evolving with the times. Welcome Facebook!

Sources include:
www.thegreenbookdc.com
www.societyofmayflowerdescendants.com
www.mayflowerfamilies.com
www.mayflowercompact.com
www.Wikipedia.com

Remember Your Mother on Mother's Day

Lake Mohonk, 1905

A Mother's Day Poem from Forget-Me-Not, Forget-Me-Never book:

Here's to the happiest
Days of your life,
Spent in the arms
of another man's wife...
   ...your Mother.

Elizabeth Thompson, 1905

Happy Mother's Day to all our Mothers!