Life at the Top of the Crystal Tabletop

The 'Golden Rule' of Etiquette is: "He who has the most gold rules." Rules change as society changes, but those in the know, always know!
As a Registered Bridal Consultant for a dozen years, I saw many permanent changes in the way people use their tableware. In today's column, we are addressing stemware and its usages.
Before 1911, there were no Federal taxes. Definitely an industrial age of opulence. Tiffany & Company capitalized on the 1000 new, New York millionaire capitalists by coming out with at least 99 different utensils for 99 different foods and drinks. Water glasses, wine clarets, iced tea glasses, port glasses, cocktail glasses, fruit cocktail glasses, high ball glasses, double old fashioned glasses, champagne saucers, finger bowls and plate, etc. Basically, Tiffany & Co. fueled for their own benefit, this age of opulence by creating new rules of etiquette for daily, albeit, fancy living, for those who could afford that life at the top of the crystal tabletop.
Thank goodness those days are over, as now, one does not have to have money to have manners. Who has the desire (never mind money) to acquire all those 99 items and who can clean it all and keep it all up anyway. The old opulent, yet strict Victorian rules for stemware no longer apply.
Brides and 'Singletons' now use what used to be the water goblet for the wine goblet. Iced tea glasses are now used for the water glass, so guests do not run out of water so quickly at the table. Or, the iced tea glass can be used for dessert parfait or pudding!
Very few families can afford domestic help any longer, so the hostess has been forced to be creative in trying to make her duties easier. She too, wants to partially enjoy her party when entertaining. Neither wine clarets nor port wine glasses are used much any longer.
One can also wash crystal in the dishwasher! No hand washing needed! Don't fret, it will not break. Load your crystal into the dishwasher gently and laterally. Do not crowd your crystal. Run a few loads if needed. Use your gentle cycle only and NO heat dry. Only use the air dry cycle. Use only 1 teaspoon of PLAIN detergent. Never use lemon detergent on anything other than pots and pans. Crystal and china have a glaze on them and the acid from the lemon will eat off this glaze over time and dull and fade your crystal and china. Yes, plain detergent is hard to find, but dig for it in the supermarket or special order it at the customer service desk of your local market.
So, be creative, enjoy your crystal, then wash it in the dishwasher!

Bread & Butter Plate vs. Drink Glasses - On Which Side of The Plate Do They Belong?

bd

How often at a fine restaurant, crowded dinner party, or round table, has the person next to you eaten your bread? What should you do? Where does your Bread & Butter Plate go anyway? Confused? Not unusual at all! Don't fret. Here's the solution to the Bread & Butter Plate vs. the Drink Glass dilemma forever.

 Remember at camp when you played "World War I Flying Ace?" well, this exercise is similar! 

Take your fingers and place the tip of your "pointer finger" (first finger) to the tip of your thumb. Line up all your other fingers behind your first finger making a lower case "b" with your left hand and a lower case "d" with your right hand. Touch your fingers together to make a "bd" shape: "b"read on the left, "d"rink on the right. You can do this in your lap at the table. You can do this on a plane. In a restaurant or while in Spain. A piece of the key to the place setting universe is solved! 

 P.S. WWI Flying Ace is "bd" upside down with your fingers under your chin and the "bd" around your eyes like goggles!!

 P.P.S. If the person seated next to you eats your bread because they don't know, say nothing and have some bread when you get home!

Formal and Informal China - Who Wants It Anymore?

Freshman year at college, a new friend on my hall asked me what china pattern I had chosen. At first, I didn't know exactly what she was talking about, then I figured out she must be referring to the formal china my Mother used in the Dining Room for Sunday Brunch, Thanksgiving, Christmas and guests.

My friend had already decided china in general was a priority in her life and that she wanted to make an investment in fine and every day china. So, when the time arises, a few burning questions are: As a young singleton or bride, do you want formal and/or informal china?

How many of each of the different matching pieces do you need? Do you like your serving pieces to also match your pattern or should they be a different pattern altogether that compliments your pattern? Do you entertain often or not at all? Are you rough on china or do you have butter fingers? These are practical and pertinent questions each bride or singleton should ask herself or himself.

Traditionally, wedding guests once gave place settings (dinner plate, salad plate, bread & butter plate, cup and saucer) as a gift. Then, place settings became prohibitive in price. So, giving a dinner plate, or salad plate became de rigueur. Now, the unfortunate trend is to give a "unique" gift. A bride once said to me she can remember that her Aunt gave her a dinner plate as well as some other gift she may not want as well. As a Registered Bridal Representative, I can say with 12 years of experience; brides just want their china!

Back to my friend Freshman year in college; she had already and smartly picked out her formal and informal china. One can give a piece of china for any type of gift including Christmas and Birthdays. Easy gift giving 101!!

My college friend had also considered condition, shape, and how the china would "wear" in her mind and in the dishwasher. She had considered the colors and style of each of the formal and informal china patterns as she was going to match her dining room decorating with her formal fine china and her kitchen decorating with her every day kitchen dishes. Even if you never marry, you may still want a set of china once you are out of school and have your own place!

My Freshman year friend, wisely weighed her decisions, and smartly picked out her formal and informal china patterns. One can give a piece of china for any type of gift including Christmas, Hanukkah and Birthdays. Easy "Gift Giving 101"!


So, figure out your china priorities and enjoy!

Pause and Listen

From my book: Forget-Me-Not, Forget-Me-Never, Remember The Fun We Had Together

To Carrie-

If pleasures path you wish to see,
Five things observe with care,
To whom you speak of, of whom you speak,
And when, and how, and where.

Florence Gaynor
June 21, 1906

The other day, I snail mailed an old friend photographs from a Christmas luncheon. We had not seen each other in 14 years. Yesterday, she called me on the phone to thank me for the photographs.

My long time friend could have written and mailed a thank-you note, whipped off an E-mail of thanks, zoomed off a text message or an IM, sent a Facebook message, rattled off a Tweet, but no. She called. Sound old fashioned? Sound out of date? Sometimes simpler is better.

Hearing the voice of a friend may seem out of date to some. Hearing tone. Listening to the silences. Picking up the spoken and unspoken, unwritten vibes. Hearing, listening. What's the difference?

In listening we learn so much more than in writing, or in talking. True listening means not having anything to say saved up in your mind in response until the other person finishes speaking.

So, the next time a friend takes time to call, just pause and listen.

Valentine's Day Bullies

Question:
Our daughter, now in Second Grade, does not want to go to school on Valentine's Day because last year she was picked on then devastated. Girls fight with words and yes, boy do they ever.

Situation:
The entire class, first thing in the morning, taped paper bags alphabetically underneath the chalkboard in the front of the class. Throughout the day everyone as instructed, placed Valentines into their friend's bags. At the end of the day, everyone checked their bags to see what nice goodies they received. Our daughter received 4 Valentines: "You're nice,", "You're stupid", "You're ugly" and "You're dumb." She was devastated and cried on her walk home.

Answer:
Call an immediate meeting with her/his teacher and Principal. The teacher should know her/his classroom well enough to recognize and privately call out the bullies. They should be punished appropriately, disciplined and should attend some type of therapy. They should also be told their behaviour will no longer be tolerated. The teacher should also speak with their parents.
Tell your daughter to hold her head up. Tell her she will be a better person in the future and as she grows up from having suffered this experience because she can be empathetic towards those who are bullies. Maybe the bullies are mean because their parents are mean to them and mean behaviour is all that they know.

The Lesson Learned:
Leaders include rather than exclude. Leaders never make others feel sad or embarrass others. Leaders always make others feel special.

Everyone has a Valentine, or Volunteer!!

To my Valentine:
Somebody's longing for you,
Somebody loves you, dear,
Somebody's longing for you,
Somebody wants you near.

That's me sweetheart. Chester

A valentine sent from my grand-father Chester Barrett to my grand-mother Carrie Barrett in 1921.

As a single gal for 20 years, I used to really dislike the pressures of Valentine's Day every year. The questions. The waiting for flowers and cards. The anticipation of getting a gift from a boyfriend, or not. The loneliness some years.

Finally, I realized that Valentine's Day is not only for a boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife or significant other. Its purpose is to tell family members, friends and loved ones you love them. I have a friend who sends her Christmas Card list Valentine's Day cards instead every year! How cool!!

So, if prospects are a little slim this year, ask a friend to be your valentine or volunteer to feed the less fortunate a nice Valentine's meal and make a few new friends!

xoxo Carrie's grand-daughter

LTTE WSJ "Dearly Departed Salutation" Article 1-6-2011 and The Shooting in Arizona

Dear Sirs and Madams:
The dropping of the traditional salutation "Dear" is one small symptom of the greater, growing gargantuan problem of a loss of civility as a society in our prosperous country. We are loosing our grip on civil behavior, civil dress, civil discussions and debate, civil listening skills and civil writing skills.
As an etiquette and manners teacher for the past decade with another decade in the retail bridal business, I have noticed a slow but steady relaxation of formality, and decline of civility in our society.
Teenagers up for college scholarships come to me to learn how to correctly manipulate their knife and fork. Families no longer eat together nightly at the dining room table or the kitchen table as each family member is on their own computer with dinner on their desks. Television producers pit 24 hour news anchors and talk show hosts against their guests, everyone interrupting each other and yelling over each other during debate for the purpose of the ratings dollar. Kids are being rushed in spacious SUV's to school soccer games on Sundays while texting shorthand on their own cell phones. Children are also being driven through the drive through for a kids meal which they eat with their fingers while they play with their computer games.
The "Golden Rule" in civilized societies continues to be: "He who has the most gold rules." As compared with the rest of the world, we have much "gold" in our lives in this wealthy, civilized country yet we are loosing our attention spans, loosing our pants to the ground, loosing our rhetoric and written commentary, loosing our family time to computers and TV, and lastly, our little charming, civil salutations to political correctness and the tremendous, stressed pace of the newest, latest and greatest technology, and for what reason?

p.s. As I am writing this letter, a Congresswoman and 18 other American citizens have been shot in Arizona....Now, we are loosing not only our civilities, but our souls...How as a nation shall we ever regain our dignity and civility?