LTTE Regarding T & C Social Graces: "Watch Your Back"

Dear Etiquette Editor:
In the 1960's, my family and I were Yankee transplants into a unique old Southern society of First Families of Virginia who trace their roots back 13 generations to Robert (King) Carter, Mary Randolph and are all cousins.
I was unfairly and relentlessly picked on, badgered and bullied at an Episcopalian girl's school for no other reason than our family did not fit the mold.
We say we teach tolerance but do we practice it daily? Some watch mean Reality TV and laugh at others' follies. With 24 hour Cable news, we learn, from the producers who want ratings, it is an 'either/or' world. We also learn that if one yells over the other person, one wins the conversation, but maybe not the debate as the talking head always cuts to a "hard break."
Technically, we are connected globally yet we remain an ethnocentric society. The #1 rule I teach is: "Leaders always make others feel special." Watch the old black & white movies. Read older books. The "Greatest Generation" went to great lengths to never embarrass another person. They were at the very least civil to each other in public.
With changing times comes good and bad consequences. Different consequences. Because of our more crowded and more dangerous world we live in today, children must have supervised activities. They all have cell phones. They are savvy in ways we parents never were, yet, they are still kids. Parents need to be present and proactive when it comes to their children. Proactive while promoting polite behavior and self-sufficiency.
I was in my 40's before I figured out life on the social fringe rather than inside the social fishbowl was much more fun and fulfilling. Hopefully, each child today will move on from the bullying and learn as they grow to find their own mold. Tomato aspic or green Jell-O?

Are You a Good House Guest? Did You Do Your Duties?

Do you think you were a great house guest this past July 4th weekend? Did you just sit around and let your hosts wait on you hand and foot? Do you think you will be invited back next year? Did you know that guests have duties? The following is a full proof check list of tips to insure another invitation next year:

• Always give a thoughtful, well thought out gift. Make the time to pick out a gift that reflects your host. Some ideas are: liquor or wine, a set of summer drink glasses, a festive serving tray, homemade banana bread for breakfast, antique linen hand towels for the guest bathroom, coffee, a coffee table book all can enjoy, homemade cake or pie for dessert or a few of these gifts! You can also treat the hosts to dinner out at a local restaurant of their choosing.


• Never give a "re-gift." Re-gifting is risky for many reasons. These gifts are never quite right because re-gifting is dishonest. The recipient can always spot a re-gift and a re-gift conveys to the recipient that you did not want to make the time to pick out something special.


• Always make your bed. Keep your room neat. No one wants to have the house guest who lives like a pig.


• Don't offer, just take your plate and others' to the sink after a meal and start doing the dishes.


• Do be considerate about your house habits. Mind your feet on furniture, late night antics, early morning noise, texting, TV clicker hogging, etc.


• If you are of age, Do Not drink too much. No one wants to be around a drunk house guest who will then be hungover the next morning.


• Do be pleasant and present.


• Do not talk about politics or religion. Your Mother was right!


• Do use your magic words, as corny as it may sound, and thank your hosts many times over!

Guests do have duties. Just make sure to help out in general and enjoy your visit!

20 Years of 20 Questions: Single In The City. Wondering What Went Wrong On Your Date

Twenty years ago, one of my roommates set me up with her fiancees friend from Boston for a formal evening. The Virginia Council of Colleges Black Tie dance at The Roosevelt Hotel in the heart of old New York City. I was excited for us all to go out on this quadruple date together. Group dating is usually low pressure as there are always other people talking and lots of action.
The only Black Tie dress I owned was, of course, my Adolfo black velvet short dress with the tulle skirt, since I worked for the designer. I wore that dress for 20 years over and over again. It was my bellwether dress. If it go too tight, I quit eating. I could not afford to buy a new formal dress. This beautiful dress, I knew, was always right.
My date was very good looking and had on a handsome tuxedo. He seemed so nice and smiled, but with his lips closed. He did not have anything to say so, I opened a conversation telling him I had never been to Boston but was reading a book about the history of the oldest and most famous family in Boston, the Cabot family. The book was specific to the rules of etiquette the Cabot family set for Boston society 100 years ago that still apply today. Alright, it was one sentence too much, but usually people love talking about their cities and famous families. No response. Nada. Nothing.
The little voices in my head told me my date did not want to be with me. It was as if he thought he had something else better to do or had another date later on in the evening. My date was not anxious at all, just not "present."
All night long, I gently tried to be very polite to my date. Maybe he was shy like I was as a child. Not talking much more, I introduced him to other friends with thoughtful detail. Politely asking him where he wanted to sit, if he wanted me to bring him a plate from the buffet, if he wanted to dance. Again, nothing. Nada.
Finally, I just sat with him in silence with a pleasant attitude and smile on my face. We silently watched everyone else having a grand time. One half an hour later, at 10:30 p.m., my date asked to take me home. What a bummer. By the time I went home and came back, the dance would be over. I knew so many people here and had paid for my ticket. I wanted to stay, but did not want to be rude. So, my date took me home at 10:30pm.
He kissed me at the door, then said: "Oh, if only I had known you were so interested." Known? Interested? Where had this date's head been all evening? I would have heard from my friends if he had a death in the family, or another trauma in his life. I had been calmly trying all night to be polite and attentive to this out of town date with no response, no reaction at all one way or the other.
So, my wise advice to those out there who go on date after date that sometimes may confound them:

• Sometimes, you are not the problem. The problem is the other person.


• If you do not want to go on a date, DON'T.


• If you do commit to a date (especially a Black Tie event) commit to it and at the very least be pleasant and present.


• If you absolutely cannot stand or tolerate your date, send yourself home. Be gracious. Say you have a headache and pay for the tickets and/or meal. Make sure your date can get themselves home, then politely excuse yourself.


• Remember the #1 rule: Always make the other person feel special.

Dating is difficult. Constantly putting yourself out there. Continuously answering those 20 questions over and over again. Starting friendships. Wondering about any potential for romance. Listening to other people's tales of woe. Telling your tales of woe when asked. Trusting other people. Most of all, protecting your own heart and listening to the little voices of reason in your own head.

Keep the faith, be true to yourself, and keep on getting out there!

Happy American Independence Day!

From my book: Forget-Me-Not, Forget-Me-Never, Remember The Fun We Had Together.

To Carrie:

When sailing down the stream of life,

In your own canoe,

May yours be a happy trip,

And plenty of room for two.

Louise E. Lennon

Friday, December 29, 1905

Happy July 4th to all!!

A Job Is What You Do, NOT Who You Are.

Today at Kinko's, while standing over the self serve copier waiting as my copies copied, my eye wandered over to the book rack. Books all about jobs. How to get jobs, how to get out of jobs, how to deal with unruly co-workers and bosses. After 20 years in Retail management, I was fascinated.


The titles have been altered to protect the innocent, and are listed in bold italics. Then, I've given my best management opinion to save y'all lots of time reading and to save expense.

• How To Work For A Complete Idiot: Chances are, if you are working for someone you think is a total idiot, you should probably look for another job. How can you ever respect your boss who you think is an idiot? How can they respect you, if you do not respect them? Mutual respect is a 2 way street. The respect vibe floats in the air, yet, is as thick as peanut butter on a sterling silver spoon.



• Can I Wear My Nose Ring For The Interview? Yes definitely, if you plan to become a Tattoo artist, or an entrepreneur or Studio Artist in the East Village. Probably not if you want to get into Harvard and become an Investment Banker on Wall Street. Also, probably not if you want to work in any kind of Food Service!



• 9 Clowns Do Not A Circus Make: Well, you can run off and join the circus, if you want to, but they probably better have more than 9 clowns or it will not be much of a success. My husband's brother did run off every summer in High School to join the circus, which is probably why it took him 7 years to graduate from High School. At his graduation, he received a standing ovation! His circus was a success because they had more than 9 clowns.



• Working With You Is Killing Me: Personally, I have had one job like this and worked under tremendous stress for four years. Sweat, pride in this work I adored doing, and tears. A wonderful loyal staff of 5, moving my boutique store up in sales and rank to #1, and putting up with nasty owners and district managers that knew little about the business or the local climate. They could have cared less about me, and my customers. They only saw the money and wanted more. Even moving my store rank to #1 was not good enough. Always more. Always complaining. Never good enough. Never, never, never. The stress took a serious toll on my health. You just must get transferred to a different department if possible, get a different supervisor if possible, or leave the job. Even if you love the work, and excel at it, get a similar job. Just make sure you have another job to go to and that you have arranged for one week off in between jobs so you may go on vacation, or at the least, have a "stay cation," and rest, sleep, pamper yourself and poke around your humble abode for at least one week. My Sister is a Hospice RN and sees people with Cancer in their forties ALL the time. Stress is a killer, for real.

Jobs are what you do, NOT who you are. Be sure to try and find a job you are content to have most of the time. Jobs, just like family and relationships, are not fun every single day, all day long, all the time, but should be satisfactory to you and for you most of the time. Take care!

Handy Gardening Tips For Hard Working Gardeners

Here are a few summer fun gardening tips for gardeners. Hope they may help your garden grow!

1. Place tomatoes in the kitchen window. They will ripen faster and warm up the aura of your kitchen. A friend's grandmother once said "Tomatoes, (pronounced "toe-mot-toes"), are worth a half-a-penny more than tomatoes." It's true! :)
2. Place bitter cucumbers in the kitchen window for 1 day, flip and sun for another day to sweeten them up! Works every time! Promise!!
3. Soak bitter greens in a sink of cold water and baking soda for 1/2 hour to a full hour to sweeten them up. A drought or simple lack of rain will make greens bitter. Watering with a sprinkler does not even seem to work. A rain dance may work... :D
4. Wash all greens in a sink of cold water and salt for at least 15 minutes. The salt will get rid of all the dirt and parasites from your garden vegetables and greens. Remember, sinful amounts of salt!
5. Work on plucking the "suckers" from your tomatoes. Leaving them on will siphon the energy from the plant. In plucking the suckers, you will have larger, more colorful, tastier tomatoes.

These few tips will make your fruit luminous and your greens sweet! Enjoy!!

Rejection - Are You Trying Hard Enough? LOL!

Last night on the way home from Book Club, I stopped by my favorite store, Barnes & Noble, for a cup of coffee and to peruse the new books out for summer reading.
Crowded around one book table were three young women actively looking at one book, consistently turning the pages, giggling, laughing, interacting, and exuding Oohs and Ahas. I was curious. What were they reading that was so involving?
It was a book compiled with nothing else other than copies of rejection letters**. Letters from personal relationships to job interviews to living situations and artistic endeavors. These actual rejection letters were real pieces of peoples' lives, and it got me thinking about rejection.
These people had put themselves out there in life personally, creatively and professionally. They were trying. They were doing. Actively living life, constantly taking chances with their hearts, their creative talents, their ideas, their souls.
My Mother's boyfriend of 35 years always says: "If you do not fail at least three times in your life, you are not trying hard enough." It is true!
We have all heard the story of Alexander Graham Bell. Seventy two rejections before being successful at inventing the light bulb. Have y'all heard the story of Ted Turner? Everyone told him 24 hour Cable news was stupid and would fail because they thought no one would ever be interested in watching 24 hour news. Have y'all heard the story of first time author, Katheryn Stockett? She sent 45 publishers the manuscript for her book: "The Help" before one publisher agreed to publish her now best selling book.
Myself, I was single for twenty years before marrying a great man! Yes, 20 years of 20 questions. Absolutely had to constantly actively participate in meeting and dating men, keeping in mind my state of mind, trying to remain positive and fun along with maintaining integrity and a good sense of self worth. One of my roommates in New York (a model for Elite Agency) every morning, with coffee in hand on the way to the shower would say: "It's not easy," and would laugh out loud.

Laughter is definitely the key, LOL!!

**"Other People's Rejection Letters: Relationship Enders, Career Killers, and 150 Other Letters You'll Be Glad You Didn't Receive." Edited by Bill Shapiro. Clarkson Potter Publishers, New York.