Americans Abroad, Asian Etiquette and Manners

Asians are some of the most adaptable people in the world when it comes to other cultures. They take the rules of etiquette very seriously. When traveling, they do not expect other countries to be just like their country, except a different geographic location. Americans often do expect foreign countries to have the same amenities, customs, dress, behavior, comforts.


It has been said that Americans are ethnocentric. We appear to care nothing about other cultures, and worse, care nothing about learning. We expect other cultures to live just as we do and complain when they do not. The whole point of visiting another culture is to immerse oneself in their way of life, cuisine, traditions, customs, dress, mannerisms. To respect their religion, behavior, and know the rules of etiquette. To fit in.


Today we address Asian culture and offer a few tips for our kind readers. Always look up the weather and religion before traveling so one may pack appropriate clothes. Learn a few key phrases such as your "magic words: please, may I, thank you. The following are a few good to know phrases:

• Hello, Good Afternoon and Evening is: Ni hao, pronounced "Nee how"
• Good Morning is: Zao, pronounced "Dzow"
• Please is: Qung, pronounced "Ching"
• Thank you is: Xiexie, pronounced "Syeh Syeh"
• Yes is: Shi, pronounced "Sher"
• Goodbye is: Zaijian, pronounced "Dzigh-jy-en"

Next, we list a few good to know tips that will help our readers understand the Asian culture in general. Each country will have particular rules, but these are just general, hopefully helpful tips:

• The Chinese do not "line up." They push in large crowds.
• Confucianism is not a religion. It is a way of life based on the "Golden Rule." Treat others as you wish to be treated yourself. It also encompasses the idea of the communal rather than personal. The art of living and the good of the group takes precedence over individuality.
• Buddhism, Islam ism, Taoism, Hinduism and Shinto are other religions in China.
• Western Handshakes are lighter and less firm. To bow is a respectful gesture.
• Eye contact in Asia is always short. Looking at someone for too long, or starring is used as punishment by Mothers to their children who are bad.
• Always accept a business card with both hands, look at it, pause, then put it nicely away in a purse or front jacket pocket. DO NOT put it in your back pocket as this is considered to be an insult.
• Be reserved in speech, volume of speech, dress and posture.
• A smile from an Asian may mean anger, fear, humiliation or apology.
• DO NOT Use any hand gestures. NO "thumbs up." No "O.K." sign with your hand. DO NOT put your hands in your pockets. Keep your hands at your sides instead. NEVER touch anyone on the shoulder, arm or anywhere. DO NOT ever pass an object to a woman unless a close relationship has been established.
• Eat slowly and mind your intake. Asian dinners often consist of a dozen small courses. Taste all and enjoy.
• Sauces are for light dipping. Do not fully dunk or saturate your food.
• The rice bowl is on the LEFT. Rice is eaten with chopsticks. NEVER lick your chopsticks or point them at anyone as Asians consider to to be very rude.
• The soup bowl is on the RIGHT. The solid morsels are eaten with chopsticks. Noodles are eaten by bringing the bowl to your mouth and slurping the noodles from the chopsticks. Slurping is good. Slurping is a compliment to the chef. The liquid soup is drunk directly from the bowl. Replace the lid on the soup bowl when you are finished. Neatly place your chopsticks on top of the lid, or on the chopstick rest.
• Asian legend says: if one holds one's chopsticks close to the tips, one will marry someone close to where you live. If one holds one's chopsticks far up, and away from the tips, one will marry someone far away from where you live.
• Never give a gift, like flowers, in a quantity of 13. Never give a gift of flowers that are white. White flowers are reserved for funerals. The color black is also associated with death. Clocks are associated with death. The numbers 4 and 40 and sets of four are unlucky. Red wrapping is the color of choice for a gift.
• NEVER give a gift of knives, scissors, or other sharp items, not even with a "lucky penny" attached.
• ALWAYS ask permission before photographing anyone.
• ALWAYS show respect for the elderly.

These rules of etiquette are general to Asia. Specific regions have particular rules. Best to check the region you are visiting and check the exact local customs and manners and rules of etiquette. Relax and enjoy!

Middle Eastern Manners - Etiquette, Customs, Gestures - Part II

Middle Eastern Manners - Part II

Arab Languages are related to Hebrew, Aramaic, Syriac. Thee are dozens of regional dialects. There are 28 letters and the language is written and read right to left and spoken by over 150 million people.
Regional dialects include: Egyptian, Iraqi, Gulf, Levantine.
Family is the foundation of Arab society. Identity is based on heritage of desert, nomadic culture. Arabs have a keen sense of social rank and clan identity.
Names are formed for you by your Patrilineal string. Other than your formal first name given to you by your parents, your name is done already. The structure is: Formal given first name + Abd (servant of), + bin(m) or bint(f), + Father's first name, + Paternal Grandfather's first name, + tribe or region. An example is my name: Katherine Abd bint Bruce Chester Seneca Falls
Honor and Dishonor are very important in Arab culture. "Saving Face" in the group is paramount. A woman's honor is based on her behavior. A man's honor is based on his behavior and the behavior of all of his family members, particularly the female family members. The pressure to restore one's honor when shamed can be enormous. Chastity is directly related to one's honor. Islam and Arab society segregate the sexes from puberty. Covering a woman's body is done out of modesty and is essential. The Qur'an (Koran) says only the hair has to be covered. The "Black Burka" is worn only by family modesty. Men are also required to dress modestly.
Women are limited to one husband. Men may have up to four wives. Arranged marriages exist, but are frowned upon.
Arab Culture dictates that Group Rights trump Individual Rights. Different from most Western Cultures, desert cultures emphasize group survival secondary to the individual comfort. Decisions are made by consensus, and again, different from Western countries, Arab countries prefer consultation with regional neighbors. This fact alone emphasizes the importance of U.S. coalition-building.
In Arab culture, nothing happens unless it is the will of God or as they say: "If God Wills." Negatively speaking, this way of thinking can foster a culture of blamelessness and a reluctance to accept responsibility, and a lack of self-criticism.
Similar to European etiquette, hand gestures to avoid include: pointing with an index finger or pencil and the "OK" or "Thumbs up" hand gestures. Keep your hands out of yor pockets. Also, the left hand is considered unclean as it is used for toileting. Always eat with the right hand. If you steal and are convicted, your right hand will be cut off, thus forcing you to eat with your left hand for the rest of your life, which is considered to be the greatest insult.
When speaking to an Arab: always stand up straight, and stand for all introductions. Keep your hands out of your pockets. Keep the soles of your feet always on the floor. Placing your right hand on your chest at greeting denotes respect and thankfulness. Dressing too casually is considered to be disrespectful.
Arabs care more for sincerity and respect than exact observance of cultural norms. Enjoy time spent with your Arab friends. Be sensitive, but relax. Show your interest in their culture!

*This information is from a seminar I attended at The Protocol School of Washington. This session was taught by Cynthia Rambo, Chief of Protocol, Shaw Air Force Base.

Middle Eastern Cultural Tips and Customs -Part I

There are many definitions for what and where is the Middle East.

• Arab is not an ethnicity.
• Arabs represent approximately 18% of Muslims, but their language, culture and religion permeate the Islamic world.
• The Koran was delivered to Muhammad in Arabic, so speaking Arabic is a foundation and plays a central role in the practice of Islam.
• Ethnic Arabs originate from the Arabian Gulf region, but the spread of Islam and the Islamic Empire absorbed a host of other ethnic groups.
• Some of the countries considered to be "Arab" countries are: Algeria, Libya, Egypt, Sudan, Morocco, Tunisia, Saudi Arabia, Yeman, Syria, Iraq, Oman, Somalia, Jordan, Western Samara and Mauritania.
• The Islamic religion is the fastest growing religion in the world: 1-1.4 billion believers which is 20% of the world population. There are 6 million believers in the USA.
• 90% of the Middle East is Muslim (65% Sunni, 29% Shi'a)

Muhammad was born in 570 A.D. in Mecca and orphaned at a young age and lived with his uncle. He became a caravan merchant and married Khadija, a trader. He received his first revelation in the year 610 A.D. and for 20 years afterwards. He fled to Yathrib in 622 A.D. He returned to Mecca in 630 A.D. and died in 632 A.D. without a successor and was buried in Medina. This is when many splits in the religion happened. Sunnis are those who follow the sunna, or example, of Muhammad. Their leaders are thought to be the "best person" as an example of Muhammad. Shi'a, are those who are the Party of Ali or Shi'at Ali, and believe the succession of leaders should be hereditary, or blood relatives of Muhammad. Many disputes center on the rightful leadership of the community. The Islamic world is 85% Sunni and 15% Shi'a.
The foundations of Islam include the Five Pillars:

1. Shahada, or Profession of Faith
2. Salat, or Prayers
3. Zakat, or Alms Giving
4. Sawm, orFasting
5. Hajj, or Pilgramage

Most people are humble and pray when convenient, not necessarily 5 times per day. One must wash one's hands and feet prior to prayer and pray during the washing too. One's head must touch the lowest point on the ground.
Muslims are required to donate 2.5% of their income to the homeless. Also, as a kindness, bring them into their homes for a meal without reservation. There are NO orphanages because the giving capacity of the communities is so very great and the important family structure does not warrant orphanages.
The one thing in common with Islam, Christianity and Judaism is the Universal God. Other similarities with Christianity and Judaism are:

• Oneness of God
• Prophets and Divine Revelation
• Angels
• Satan
• Moral responsibility and accountability
• Judgement Day
• Eternal reward or Punishment
• Covenant with God
• Peace, love and charity

The Muslim religion has no "Pope." There is NO chosen leader for the "lesser Jihed." Osama bin Laden DOES NOT have the support of the Muslim society.
Family is the foundation of Arab society. Extended family is treasured as the obligation for their care runs very deep. Arabs have a keen sense of social rank and clan identity. Familial bonds are much closer, deeper and larger than in typical Western families. Business meetings very often happen in the home surrounded by extended family centered around a large, long meal.

This information was from a seminar I attended at The Protocol School of Washington. This session was taught by Cynthia Rambo, Chief of Protocol , Shaw Airforce Base. Enjoy these tips!

LTTE - "The Girl Who Would Be Queen" Article, October Issue

Dear Ms. Wintour,
Hallelujah! Rather than reading about some empty life of some untalented, yet famous celebrity, we were treated to a glimpse into a fascinating life of a real woman, who happened to be regal and rather talented.
William Shawcross's excerpt from his book: The Queen Mother, let us peak into the life of a Lady Elizabeth Bowes Lyon.
From her kindnesses towards the soldiers in WWI as a young fourteen year old girl through her work with the Prime Minister during WWII, Mr. Shawcross revealed The Queen Mother as a woman with a strong work ethic, love of country, family, and duty.
Learning and reading about an historic, interesting, strong, significant woman of substance every month would make a lovely column. Thank you.

LTTE Elle Magazine - A Young Generation of Bad Manners In America

The American media spotlight has moved from older generations of polite, self-sacrificing, respectful people to younger generations of pampered, self-aggrandizing, repugnant people.
Having taught etiquette and manners to young people for the past decade, my students have gone from needing a bit of fine tuning, to needing to learn how to hold a fork, and on up the manners ladder from that basic skill.
Kanye West, sadly, is merely one symptom of the bigger problem facing young Americans today.

The number one rule of etiquette is: "Always make the other person feel special."

Throwing away our manners in order to be heard, seen, understood or to be the center of attention seems to be the new "American Way" for some. Why? Blame fame, Reality TV, stress, The Red Carpet, The Internet, the Bloggers, 24 hour Cable TV, 30 years of prosperity, wealth and opportunity for all. Blame American society in general. How about blaming ourselves?

And to think, some men on the Titanic gave up their seats on the rescue boats sacrificing their own lives to save the lives of others. Then there was World War II. The "Greatest Generation."

Yes, as the Editor stated in the October Issue, Kanye West is in the "freaky" category, but not "genius." More like a rich and rude, arrogant, mean, and now, a famous bully.

I am glad Kanye West was not standing next to me on the Titanic or in a "fox hole." He would have thrown me out and overboard!

Ele Magazine "What I Wore" Contest Essay

   At 22 years old, I was the gawkiest, tallest, skinniest, girl in quite a while to have graduated from Sweet Briar College and move to New York City with three suitcases.
   My first job was as a receptionist/order taker/dress model for the designer, Mr. Adolfo, at his couture salon on 57th Street. When Mr. Adolfo had me fitted for my first little black dress, I had no idea what this dress would do for my confidence and come to mean to me in my life and the many years ahead.
   This knee length formal dress had a beautiful black velvet torso with a black tulle ballerina skirt, matching tulle straps and sash, all the tulle demurely dotted with rhinestones like little bright stars in an ethereal night sky.
   Three months later, I was whisked away in a limousine in my new dress to work my first company gala event at Saks Fifth Avenue complete with photographers and a Red Carpet. Oh my! I walked this carpet, but did not really know what it was at the time. It was, after all, 1984. No one clicked my picture and I had never heard of a "Page 6". But no matter. I had on my favorite first formal couture dress.
Christmastime arrived with an invitation to the company Christmas dinner dance at Doubles. I had to scrape up a date, but not a dress! Adolfo chose me for the honor of the first dance. My Mother was so proud.
   At 23, it was time to meet my first boyfriend's entire family. We played touch football just like a Pepsi commercial, although in catching the football, I was bumped into a tree and got a black eye from the football which ended up next to my face. A Black-tie event followed that evening at the Country Club in Tuxedo Park. Nervous and with a black eye, but dressed in my Adolfo dress, I at least, had the confidence I was always appropriately dressed.
   June arrived with the Belmont Ball.  Arranged by Mr. Adolfo, my hostess, C Z. Guest, accompanied my date and me into the Jockey Club for the dance the night before the Belmont Stakes. No worries. Again, always appropriately attired.
  Many charity and social events followed over the years: The Junior League Ball at The Plaza with Peter Duchin, easy. The Intrepid Ball, no problem. The Circle Line "booze cruise," always appropriate. The Colony Club, The University Club, The Williams, Harvard and Yale Clubs. No worries. The Limelight opening and Andy Warhol. Not a care in the world with my best Adolfo dress. Stumbling into the Tumble Inn at 2 a.m, Tunnel, Elaine's, and The 21 Club, always right. Swells, The Surf Club, and Mick Jager showed up! Never an issue.
 Soon followed many weddings of good friends. A Dallas wedding, a South Carolina wedding. A wedding at the New York Saint Ignatius Church and Reception at the St. Regis. The Graycliff in the Bahamas for my 30th birthday, still wearing and able to fit into my beloved dress. This dress was my passport to many years and all types of social soirees without ever feeling out of place.
   At age 26, my Haute Couture dress accompanied me home to Richmond to take care of my ailing father. For the next nine years, it served me well as a "singleton." If the dress became too tight, I quit eating dessert and bread for a while. My bellwether dress.
   As a 35 year old workaholic, I phoned a friend and asked to sit with her and her husband at The Deep Run Hunt Club Hunt Ball. The "horsey set." They sat me next to a man I had seen once before at a club event.
   Traditionally, at any Hunt Ball, a black and white dress is required for women who did hunt that day, and a black dress is required for women who did not hunt that day, so the ladies do not clash with the gentlemen who wear those red "Evening Scarlett" coats. Being that I did not hunt that day, my black Adolfo dress was the perfect Black Tie attire, once again.
   Seven years later, I married the man I was seated next to on that magical, horsey, Haute Couture evening. 
   Soon afterwards, I gave this still wonderful and favorite dress away to a young friend I worked with, hoping it would bring her the confidence, comfort, and happiness it brought me for many, many years.

International Gift Giving Etiquette

Anyone watch the UN speeches given by various foreign leaders this week? Ever think about Corporate gift giving to foreigners? The following is a bit of foreign corporate gift giving tips:

Appropriate Gifts in Arab Countries:

• Books


• Gifts for Children


• "Made in the USA" gifts


• Gifts for the Office

Inappropriate Gifts in Arab Countries:

• Liquor


• Logo items


• Blue and White gifts


• Gifts for Spouse


• Animal products or food as a gift for the first meeting

Appropriate Gifts in Japan

• US Brand Named items


• Scotch and Brandy


• Books


• Company products

In any Asian country, or from an Asian person, always accept a business card or a gift with both hands. Using both hands shows respect. Regarding a business card: take time to look at the business card. Do not ever stuff it in your back pocket.

Inappropriate Gifts in Japan:

• Any "Made in Japan" item


• Anything with the numbers 4 or 9


• Surprises of any type


• Humorous or Joke gifts


• Ribbons and/or Bows


• Fox, Badger or Wolf

Appropriate Gifts in the USA:

• Books


• Pen and Pencil sets


• Key Chains


• Umbrellas


• Paperweights

Inappropriate Gifts in the USA:

• Expensive items


• Red Roses to a woman


• Personal items


• Liquor to a non-drinker


• Cash

Always enclose a gift receipt with your gift and have the gift "gift wrapped" if possible.

I do not care what Peggy Post says: NEVER re-gift any gift to anyone for any reason. It is a small world, it is NOT honest and the gift never seems to be quite right....no gift receipt and wrapped by hand usually in a gift bag. No thought and no time put into the gift always comes back on the giver. The recipient always knows. In any re-gifting situation, one is taking many chances. I have a host of re-gifting horror stories to tell...in my Halloween blog post, soon!

If one has no money to spend on a personal gift for a good friend, instead of re-gifting, an appropriate, thoughtful card will always do with a kind, well thought out, beautifully written message, or for a wedding, pull a nice sterling cake knife or pretty china plate out of your sideboard in your Dining Room, wrap it up and tell the Bride it is a "family treasure" you want her to have because she is like family to you. I will also address this topic for the holiday season, soon.