Better Etiquette

Civility costs little but Incivility Will Cost Us Our Country

2012-01-26T09:27:00.000-08:00

NYT Reader Comment to January 26, 2012 article "With Audiences Encouraged to React, Primary Debates Seem More Made for TV

Like it or not, it is not 'Morning in 1984 America.' Like it or not, America has been making money 'on the float' since the early 1970's when we went off of the 'Gold Standard.'
   Culturally we live in a 'Jerry Springer' mentality, media and ratings driven, instant gratification, either/or, got-'cha, Red Carpet seeking, short-term solution, 'Kartrashian,' non-tolerant, uncivil, mean girl, populist society.
    All 24 hour news outlets push their own fortune telling, fear mongering agendas with loud background bells and 'whooshing' sounds, so we will raise our heads for their ratings.
   All the 'Talking Heads' interrupt their guests, and the loudest person in the room is perceived to be the smartest person in the room.
   NBC purposefully censured their audience last week to make the Republican debate as boring as possible. Inversely, producers should not dishonestly pump up and prime their audiences, but again, it is no longer 'Morning in America.'
   Populist perception and polls are instantly perceived to be everything, and yet, amount to a vapid nothing.
   America is the 1% of the world, with our massive earning potential and great wealth as compared to how 75% of the rest of the world lives on less than $2 per day.
   How many of us cook dinner for a needy neighbor once a week, tithe our Church, and give locally to local charities? Why are we so lazy that we think any federal entity will solve all of our 310M problems? Civility costs little to learn but incivility will cost us our country.

Smarmy, Smart Aleck Snap Judgements and Small Business

2012-01-12T12:12:00.000-08:00

   Last weekend over the holiday, a dear relative's jewelry store was robbed. A professional gang of thieves rivaling the movie "Oceans 11" cleaned out this small business owner.
    They broke the lights and surveillance cameras outside the store, cut the electricity and cut the shopping center's phone lines so the store alarm would not go off. Then they pried, sawed, cut, clipped and wedged their way through 2 back doors and a huge iron gate to get inside the jewelry store.
   Once inside the store, the first layer of security kicked in. Thick black smoke permeated the entirety of the store. The thieves waited it out. After the smoke cleared, they removed dozens of trip wires that if tripped on would have caused them to fall into about 50, 10' boards on the floors with 4" nails sticking up out of the boards. These criminals then methodically took up all the boards and piled them neatly up against the edges of the floor of the store.
   Then with high powered, specialized saws, these thugs cut through one 6' tall, large safe with 3 doors and concrete between each door. They also cut into two other smaller safes with these saws.
   These criminals then took the time to hunt, peck and pick out from each display case, every diamond ring, pearl necklace and silver bracelet in the store and pitched each little white and gold display box onto the floor. They must have had a "spotter" across the street as each of the 15 or so display cases had three shelves of merchandise.
By coincidence, my relative drove by the store apparently on the very evening of the robbery, and all appeared fine, but he did not stop to go inside the store as his wife was with him and they were on their way to a family holiday party. Small miracle.
   When our local paper and local TV media covered this story, they did not focus on the fact that a professionally organized and expertly equipped gang of thieves took what was not theirs. They did not focus on the blessing that no one was killed or injured. They did not focus on the fact that a small business owner and generous contributor to the community for 25 years may now have to close his very popular "Brick and Mortar" jewelry store. They did not focus on the 4 employees who were now each out of a job and the impact their job losses will have on their families. No, the media kept focusing on one perceived negative.
Because of an armed robbery attempt 17 years ago and great difficulty with a very small claim a few years ago, the owner was forced into a difficult decision: re-new his very expensive insurance (which as those with business experience know, insurance policies may or may not pay off), or be forced to let-go employees, cut employee health insurance coverage, cut hours, cut services, etc.
   Insurance for this small business had become increasingly and so exorbitantly costly, the "Cost of Sales," (yes, it is a Retail formula), was not high enough to reach the desired, small profit margin, so the owner could no longer afford an insurance company policy for his small business.
   The owner, not wanting to lay off employees, especially in today's economic environment, chose instead to install the three aforementioned levels of homemade security, keep his alarm system, and keep all his employees employed.
   How many other small businesses in this country have suffered the same scenario and have been forced into this same difficult decision?
   Next, came the "Top Commenter" under the "Comments" section below the article in the local paper and comments on Facebook and the Bloggers. Some snipped off their smart aleck, smarmy words on the seemingly anonymous Internet with their quick quips and snap judgements having limited snippets of information, never having spoken to the owner and never having shopped in the store. Apparently, their motivation is to appear as though they are the smartest, wittiest, sassiest, most popular persons in the room.
   Isn't the press supposed to first fully know all the facts, speak with all sources, weigh each fact carefully, then objectively and judiciously report? Is the world so fast now that some in the press have to jump to snap judgements?
    Then, these uninformed, either/or, black or white, jaded, negative attention seekers, bail out and move onto the next hit story and running victim. The next snarky snap judgement.
   My college Freshman year handbook test boiled down to 4 words: Ignorance is no excuse. Well, one "Top Commenter" said: "He (the owner) deliberately gave up insurance and (inside store) security cameras--he created this reality and now has to live with it." They later commented it was: "easy to keep insurance." Deliberately? Easy? Really? Life is rarely so simple.
   This "Top Commenter" looks from the Profile photo on Facebook to be quite young. Certainly not old enough to have owned and run a small business for 25 years, 6 days a week, 10-12 hours a day, and 16-18 hours a day during holiday seasons. This "Top Commenter" most likely has not had to meet payroll or pay payroll taxes, local taxes, state taxes, federal taxes, rent, lights, CAM charges, or worry.
   Worry if you'll have a good Christmas season so you can re-new your lease. Worry about an employee who is having a hard time with their family. Worry about meeting payroll during slow weeks. Worry if you will be robbed again when inside the store. Worry if the trash was emptied.
Well, I have one quote for the quick to judge: Judge not, that you be not judge. For with the judgement you pronounce you will be judged, and the measure you give will be the measure you get," Matthew:1:1-2.
     www.timesdispatch.com see article: "Burglars take $2M in inventory from Henrico jeweler" ,"Top Commenter" comment, January 6, 2012

Fair may be for Faerie Tales but for "Zuzu," It has been an unfair yet sometimes "Wonderful Life."

2011-12-11T22:59:00.000-08:00

We all deserve a wonderful life, n'est-ce pas? However, in the real world, life is not fair. Childhood is no fair. Bullies are not fair. Adulthood is not fair. The working world is not fair. Criticism is not fair. Failing and falling down in life is not fair. Sickness and death are not fair. Human nature is not fair. Fair may be for Faerie Tales, but how can you have a wonderful life if you have a life of many failings and days and years of nightmares? The actress who played "Zuzu" in the movie "It's a Wonderful Life" has had just this type of life.
Karolyn Grimes played the character "Zuzu" in the 1946 production of: "It's a Wonderful Life"at the age of about 6 years old. She says it was one of the best experiences of her life and shaped the way she thought about life and faith as she grew older. As it turns out, she needed that positive memory in her life as it was about to turn very hard.
   Her Mother died when she was 12. Her Father tragically died in a car crash when she was 15. She was sent to live with an Aunt and Uncle who were extremely religious and did not believe in movies, dancing, singing or laughing. Married off young, Karolyn Grimes divorced her first husband who later himself died in a hunting accident. Her second husband died from Cancer. Her Son committed suicide when he was 18 years of age. She does have 2 daughters, but they are both single Mothers.
   Karolyn Grimes could have easily fallen into a life of self pity and misery. She could have abused alcohol and drugs and blamed her condition on her life's circumstances or blamed everyone else. How does she keep her attitude positive? How does she get up every morning and why does she help others? Why indeed!
   Ms. Grimes, age 71, speaks to groups about her experience as a child in making the movie and its message. She says the movie is not about anything religious, but has an intrinsically Christian message of asking God for help in showing us the way through this life of constant change when life gets really hard. The movie also sends the most basic Christian message which tells us to treat others as we wish to be treated.
   In life, it is not that we fall down and fail because we all fail, over and over again. It is what we learn from the failing and how we rise each time that counts. If you have never failed or fallen, you are not trying hard enough.
   Our faith in our God and in ourselves every day is also what does get us through this life. Every day is not fair. Life is not supposed to be a Faerie Tale, but we would not appreciate every good day if we did not ever have a bad day. Through true hard work and giving of ourselves even on bad days we will eventually succeed.
   By rising every morning to speak and by doing good works for people, Karolyn Grimes has exhibited true charity and grace in the face of so much sadness. She has had a hard life but has 2 wonderful daughters and grandchildren. Friends and family are what matter in this sometimes unfair but sometimes wonderful life.

Truths For Mature Humans List and the Rebuttal

2011-11-10T21:41:00.000-08:00

Don't we just love these FWD:, FWD:, e-mail lists that show up in our "in boxes?" Who compiles these lists filling them with tidy tid-bits of alleged wisdom? "They" are set on helping us (I reckon), but are "they" really helping us, or are "they" just spewing hatred, frustration and negative thoughts our way, meant to be cleaver and rebellious? I recon your own answer depends whether or not you are a 'glass half full' or a 'glass half empty thinker.
First, I'll list the original "Truths For Mature Humans" in parentheses with a number, then below, offer my own rebuttal in italics and marked with a button. If you would be so kind, dear reader, please let me know which list you prefer.

Truths for Mature Humans:

"1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die."

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately contact family and friends, help to clean the decedent's house, then, if o.k. with the family, take your friend's computer to a computer store service counter, have them erase all cookies and files on the computer, update it and "de-fragment" the computer, then donate the gently "used" computer to the family's charity of choice.

"2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong."

Firstly, the word "suck" is not a nice word at all. Secondly, never ever begin, take part in, or end an argument unless you know you are 100% correct.

"3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger."

Never mind "woulda, coulda, shoulda." Live in the present, and presently, take a nap if you can.

"4. There is great need for a sarcasm font."

Sass will bite you in the a** every time. Just don't comment.

"5. How the h*!! are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?"

Ask any married lady. She will show you. The folding process involves placing all 4 fitted corners together around your out stretched arm and fist. Brilliant!!

"6. Was learning cursive really necessary?"

Apparently not, as schools are no longer teaching printing to students. Personally, cursive helped me to take notes and write drafts for papers very fast in college.

"7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my
neighborhood.

Get a GPS. Map Quest is better than it used to be and it is great for a backup plan in case your British GPS lady gets you lost. By the way, my husband and I both get lost getting out of a paper bag, never mind our own neighborhood.

"8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died."

Why would the manner of death be more interesting than how the person lived? My Sister is a Hospice RN and I am a Hospice volunteer and CNA. I do not really care to know how the person passed, unless the family wants everyone to know.

"9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired."

No one else is going to take care of you for you, so you'd better learn how to take care of yourself and take time for yourself or you will burn yourself out and be good to no one including yourself.

"10. Bad decisions make good stories."

Bad decisions, one after another, make for fun cocktail fodder for everyone else, but make for a most miserable life for you. Most decisions are made out of fear or emotion. Get a new set of friends, seek out advise from a different relative, get a new therapist, a new boyfriend, a new priest, pastor, minister, rabbi or guru. Buy a self help book or take a self help class. Ask a new anyone to help you recognise when you are making bad decisions for yourself. Listen. Be open and ready to accept some hard criticism. Again, bad decisions make for a bad life.

"11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you
just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day."

So you have hit a wall. So what. Delegate the responsibility to someone else while you take a 15-20 minute break and go get a coffee or get a quick bite to eat. Clear your mind. Come back to work ready to finish the task at hand. After work, go home and go to bed early. When you wake up the next morning, eat a healthy, protein filled breakfast.

"12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my
collection ...again."

Why is anyone wasting money on any collection of anything that will not rise in value over time? Realistically, with Cable TV, movie channels, PPV, Netflix, and the Internet, how many of those dusty movies in that old cabinet have you watched lately?

"13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes
to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to."

Print out any report or short story BEFORE you even attempt to exit it just in case the "stoopid compooter" spaces out and erases the document. Hit "Save" twice and hit "Backup." Also, don't end a sentence with a preposition.

"14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call."

Most things are OK in moderation. Discreet screening is OK also in moderation.

"15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well."

My 15 year old "on sale" side by side refrigerator from Lowe's has a light also on the freezer side ...how old is your freezer? From 1973?

"16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet, on any given Friday or Saturday night, more kisses
begin with Miller Lite than Kay Jewelers."

Alcohol or jewelry bringing more kisses??... Hmmmm. This is like arguing which sport is more dangerous: Horse Back Riding or Motorcycling?

"17. I have a hard time trying to decipher the fine line between boredom and hunger."

If you are so burned out you cannot decide whether or not you are tired or hungry, it is time to take a nice bath and go to bed!

"18. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still
did not hear or did not understand a word the other person said?"

My husband is deaf in one ear as are many of his male friends his age.He also has limited hearing in the other ear. He often says to me he can only hear about 1/3 of any numerous conversations at restaurants and social functions. He also cannot hear well at the movies or theatre. He simply says nothing and smiles, then asks me later what was said. Works every time! (p.s. As a man, at this time, a hearing aid is simply not going to happen).

19. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent the jerk from
cutting in at the front of the line."

Speaking earlier about bad decisions... if you relax, drive a bit slower and stay to yourself, you will not involve yourself in a possible "Road Rage" incident. Who needs it? So what if you arrive at your destination 2 minutes later. Not worth potentially risking your life.

"20. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants and skirts? Pants and skirts never get dirty and can be
worn forever."

What? Eeewww! Wear pants and skirts until they either get wrinkled, stretched out or until they have a spot.

"21. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is."

Again, time for a coffee, a nap, or to go to bed a bit earlier. Take time to take better care of yourself because no one else is going to take care of you.

"22. Even under ideal conditions, people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their
cell phone, and playing 'Pinning the Tail on the Donkey,' but I'd bet everyone can find and push the
'Snooze' button from 3 feet away in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time."

Yet again, from experience, if you must constantly hit the 'snooze' button, you desperately need to simplify your life. If you cannot manage your time better, ask someone else to help you prioritize your time so you can get to bed earlier!

As a former fierce workaholic and extremely competitive Retail Manager having worked 14-20 hours a day, 5-7 days a week for 15 years, taking 4 consecutive days of vacation (with the one exception of 10 days vacation when my Father passed away), I can say with the knowledge of hindsight and a bit of wisdom: everyone from time to time needs to learn how to ask for help. Everyone needs to learn how to delegate responsibility and how to recognise when one must step back a bit and re-evaluate one's priorities and take charge to take care of oneself. No one else is going to take care of you for yourself.

Take care!

What separates the 95% from the 5%? Being "Poisd For Success"

2011-11-08T07:39:00.000-08:00

Many years ago I listened to an interviewer ask: "What separates the men from the boys?" The answer is a simple "5%." Simple, you say?

Jacqueline Whitmore's book "Poised For Success" is a candid, insightful and practical peak inside the four pillars of etiquette: presence, polish, professionalism and passion. Inside this Tiffany colored jewel of an etiquette book, she simply shows us how we may attain that extra 5%, separating us from our competition at work and in life. In an increasingly competitive and often uncivil world climate, we could all use a bit of polish combined with a tad of compassion and common sense.

Many of the tastier tidbits from Mrs. Whitmore's book help the reader maintain an authoritative position amongst work peers and friends. Jacqueline Whitmore starts out with the basics. She has us amortizing our wardrobe so our classic clothes last for many years, always looking chic, and remaining a 5% cut above everyone else in the room. She warns us to be wary of "Casual Friday" at work. This day off from formal business dress does not mean we show up at work looking like we are cleaning out our garage. Mrs. Whitmore encourages us to practice talking to a few folks we do not know at office functions and social events. She asks us to try to maintain an inquiring mind. She tells us how to graciously ask for what we want at work. As a host or hostess, she gives us tips and insight into how to share with our guests and have them feel at ease without spending stupid amounts of money on extemporaneous diversions that do not matter. Mrs. Whitmore also covers social media Do's and Dont's. Lastly, she covers the importance of our follow through skills and how to follow our passion.

In the end, other people may not remember what we gave them or did for them, but they will remember how we made them feel, going back to the number one etiquette rule: "Leaders always make other people feel special."

Jacqueline Whitmore's "Poised For Success" is indeed a special, common sense read simplifying what may not appear to be simple for some of us. Enjoy!

How To Get Rid of Wine, Gum, Grass, Chocolate Stains and More On Your Wash and Wear Clothes

2011-09-28T08:14:00.000-07:00

Here are a few helpful household tips on how to get rid of the following stains on the wash and wear clothes you launder. Please, do not try these tips on "Dry Clean Only" clothes. Take the "Dry Clean Only" clothes to your Dry Cleaner.

Chocolate: Make a paste out of borax and water. Dab it on the chocolate stain. Wait for the paste to dry. Throw it in the laundry as usual.
Red Wine: As soon as possible, soak the fabric in cold water. Mix 50% hydrogen peroxide and liquid glycerin soap in a bowl. Dab the stain with this mixture and let it sit for a minute. Then, continue blotting until the stain disappears. Launder as usual.
Blood: Place garment in cold water as soon as possible. Dab with glycerin soap and continue to soak for a few hours. Rinse, then gently dab stain with hydrogen peroxide. Repeat this process if necessary. Launder and dry garment as usual.
Grass: Make a paste with baking soda and water. Soak the stained part of the garment in vinegar. Before the vinegar dries, touch up the stain with the paste mixture. Wash in hot water.
Mustard: Rub the stain with glycerin soap until the stain is well coated. Let the garment then sit for 30 minutes or more. Wash as usual.
Butter: Make a paste out of baking soda and water. Dab the paste onto the butter stain. Let the paste dry. Wash garment as usual.
Gum: Freeze garment in the freezer overnight. Gum should come off easily when puled off. Then, wash garment as usual.

Again, DO NOT use or try these tips on "Dry clean Only" garments. Good luck!

Funeral Etiquette - Leave the Dumb Smart Phone in The Car

2011-09-27T10:19:00.000-07:00

   Even when we think we are ready, we are not ready. Sometimes expected, sometimes unexpected, funerals are hard and sad. The day of death is the hardest day. The funeral is the second hardest day. Forever remembered will be what goes on at the service and interment.
   So, please, dear reader, leave the dumb smart phone in your car just as you do when in a courthouse. The world will wait for you. Just for a few precious hours, focus your complete attention on the bereaved. Keep your voice low and your comments short and sweet. No jokes. No quips. No sass. Your quiet presence by itself will be forever precious to the bereaved.
   Send a small perennial flowering plant to arrive a few days after the funeral. The Funeral flowers will die after one week. A plant can be re-planted, and flowering perennials last year after year.
   Write a nice letter to arrive a few days after the funeral when things calm down. Focus the letter solely on the bereaved. Tell the recipient what a good person they are, for example: a good Daughter/Wife/Son/Brother, etc. Highlight their positive attributes.
   The most appreciated act of kindness you can perform at a funeral is to be present, be kind, make eye contact and acknowledge everyone. Pause, look and listen.

Never Forget and Always Remember 9-11.

2011-09-10T21:57:00.000-07:00

Those who are gone are never forgotten as long as we remember!

May Heaven preserve and keep thee,

From every sorrow free,

And grant thee every blessing,

My earnest wish for thee.

Your Friend,

Mary Gleich

June 21, 1906

Photo of Central Park, 1912

Say You're the Boss and Happy Labor Day!

2011-09-05T09:37:00.000-07:00

To Carrie,

When you are married,

And your husband is cross,

Take hold of the broom,

And say you're the boss.

Emma Campbell

December 29, 1905

Happy Labor Day!

Photo is of the cannon on 89th Street and Riverside Drive near The Soldiers and Sailors Monument, NYC 1907

Girls Just Want To Have Fun In The Summer Sun!

2011-08-31T21:20:00.000-07:00

Since the year 1905
There's been on Cayuga shores
A jolly bunch of happy girls,
Who are able to use the oars,

Their object is to have some fun,
In the very best kind of way;
From early morn 'till setting sun,
They dance the livelong day.

Enjoy the holiday weekend!

From my book: "Forget-Me-Not, Forget Me Never, Remember The Fun We Had Together, Reminiscences and Memories of New York"

Letter To The Editor - Go East - The September Issue, Vogue Magazine

2011-08-28T19:18:00.000-07:00

Dear Ms. Wintour,
Imagine my glee when upon opening your September Issue, the largest issue of each year, for many years, the issue industry insiders, designers, advertisers, and the rest of America waits for with Manolo's on, to find y'all shot your main fashion story in China. As lovely as the Great Wall was, I'm sure, here's what; how about shooting your main fashion story every month in America. American cities. American landmarks. In case y'all up there in your own Tra la la land have not stuck your heads out of your offices lately, there are approximately 25 million Americans out of work. Give local photographers, lighting crews, models, and local designers a chance, a look-see, a job.

Respectfully submitted,

Katherine Barrett Baker
Manakin-Sabot, Virginia

Book Review: "The Glass Castle", Unbelievable and Unforgettable

2011-08-26T12:43:00.000-07:00

   Last week, a friend recommended "The Glass Castle" as one of the best books she has ever read. Quickly purchasing the trade paperback, "The Glass Castle" came with me on vacation. I could not put it down. I still cannot stop talking about it and thinking about this amazing story of survival during the 1960's in America from the childhood eyes of the author. I have already purchased many more copies for Christmas presents.
   The autobiography begins in present day New York City. Jeannette Walls, the author, is meeting her husband for dinner. She is sitting in a taxi, looking out the window and catches a glimpse of a woman digging through a Dumpster. This woman is her dear Mother. Yes, her Mother is a homeless woman living on the streets of New York and her Mother preferrs it that way.
   The authors' parents, Rose Mary and Rex Walls were married in 1956 in a traditional church ceremony. Her Mother was dressed in a lovely white wedding gown and her father dressed in a formal shawl collared white dinner jacket and black tuxedo pants reminscent of Humphry Bogart in the movie Cassablanca. Rex Walls was an Airforce flyer and Rose Mary Walls was a beautifully educated teacher and from a well off, well mannered, landed Texas family.
   One wonders while reading this tale of constant chaos, what went so wrong that both parents ended up happily homeless, living in New York City. The simple answer is that they were both non-conformists.
   Rose Mary Walls' God given talent was that she was a true artist in every sense of the word. She was a dreamer, an eternal optimist, a lady with fine manners and knowledge of fine art and antiques, and considered her "Tra la la life" a wonderful adventure when she was not forced to work and when her husband was not drunk. No matter how dire the family's situation remained, over and over again, and no matter where the family lived, including in shacks and cars, Rose Mary carted her art supplies with her and chose to paint her pictures for her source of escapism, rather than, unfortunately, keeping an eye on her children.
  Rose Mary did, however, give her children a life of literature. Whatever town the family was near, Rose Mary Walls consistently got herself to the Public Library and checked out book after book for all her children to read. Reading was their saviour. Reading gave these children hope, a sense of belongingness in this life, and a happy escapism.
   Rex Walls' God given talent was that he could fix anything. He could fix cars and anything electric, including wiring a house. His life's dream was to design and build a glass castle heated by solar panels. The sun, after all, is forever and free. More importantly to Rex the dreamer, one does not have to pay any corporation or entity for the privilege of receiving electricity or anything else. Rex did not believe in dependence on anyone or anything, especially any government, church, hospital, corporation, or any charitable organization. He believed in self-sufficiency to the point that this belief became a primitive, viking-like, pioneering and post nuclear survival philosophy. This manic philosophy of life may sound genius on paper, but in practice, proved to be a bit bi-polar, or maybe a bit "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder" resulting from his own stark, starving, cruel childhood in the poorest part of the Appalachian mountains, Welch West Virginia. For better and for mostly much worse, this strict survival mode mantra was how the Walls family lived and Rex was head of the household.
   Why do some people get going and work themselves into a frenzy to prosper against terrific odds while others give up and rely on others for help when life gets rough? Why do some horses want to be first in a horse race and other horses don't really care? Wanting to succeed has little to do with money, breeding or upbringing. All material things and certain qualities are nice and may help, but success comes down to personal drive. An inner hunger of sorts. It seems as if it is a personality. Utilizing one's God given talent helps as well. Everyone has at least one talent.
   The largest lesson in this book is: no matter the hardships life will throw at you, you will always be able to use your good, resourceful mind to learn, strive and work your way out of any situation if you choose to do so. It is also helpful psychological if you have the support of your family, any family, and/or friends. One thing Rose Mary and Rex did for their children was to give them a sense of togetherness, and a lasting sense of the importance of family and sticking together always.
   In this age of avarice and envy in America, this book is a reminder of the resourcefulness and drive we have lost as an affluent, free society. It also reminds us of what good can be accomplished again with a lot of hard work and perseverance in gaining back our sense of togetherness and purpose in our personal lives, communities and country.

LTTE - Harpers Bazaar, September Issue 2011

2011-08-23T09:50:00.000-07:00

Dear Editor,
   In reading Vanessa Diffenbaugh's September Issue article: "What has Michelle Bachmann done Right," I gasped at her shocking comment: "I believe government has a crucial role in developing a free and equal society."
   Pardon me? With 70% of the world's population existing on a staple diet of rice and beans, and Billions of people living under Dictatorships, or complete chaotic lawlessness, America is the best example of a free and equal developed society.
   All Americans are free to vote in any free election. We are free to study hard within our free educational system, and additionally, freely check out any of the millions of books written in any free Public Library. We are also free to apply for any job we wish to work for and may qualify to earn.
   The modern Mother of these four children as a free citizen was free to seek out free birth control, and free to have, or not to have, any amount of children she could afford, or not afford, either financially or through familial or community support systems. She was also free to commit to the Father, (or any of the Fathers), of these children and free to raise these children in any environment she wished to strive to attain.
   This modern Mother was apparently as well, free to seek out illegal drugs, free to spend her money on illegally purchasing these illegal drugs over and over again, free to use these illegal drugs, and free to allow herself to become addicted to these illegal drugs. She was free to, at any time during her addiction, seek out many and various free treatment programs, without prosecution, through her free local churches and/or free community centers or family. What this modern Mother did to her children was unfair.
   I commend Mr. & Mrs. Diffenbaugh and Michelle Bachmann for raising foster children. They are freely taking up the responsibility for kids who's Mother (and Father) equally and freely failed at, over and over and over again.
   These parents freely failed to freely commit to each other, freely failed to commit to their children they freely brought into this world, and freely failed to resourcefully and responsibly raise these four children. They also freely failed to obey the "Rule of Law" in this free country.
   Like childhood, no free or occupied society is always equal or fair, but America is the most fair and most equal society on the planet.
   My Father wisely always said: "One cannot legislate morality." As a smoker, he also wisely said: "Smoking is a personality." I assume drug use is, as well, a personality. Willfully having four children in our modern society without a partner to help raise these children responsibly, without any resourcefulness, without utilizing religious, community or reasonable familial support systems and without any care or regard for personal responsibility or our rule of law in this free country is a selfish, self-centered, self serving lifestyle.
   Lifestyle is a personality. Lifestyle gets passed on generation after generation. Lifestyle can neither be legislated, nor governed. Lifestyle is neither fair nor equal, but in America, lifestyle is free and we are free to live our lives as responsibly or as irresponsibly as we wish.

Respectfully submitted,

Katherine Barrett Baker
The Sabot School of Etiquette
1451 Amber Lake Road
Manakin-Sabot, Virginia 23103
804-784-2033

The Modern Manners Meltdown in America - Better, Worse, or Just Different?

2011-08-22T10:29:00.000-07:00

   We must ask ourselves, in this age of constantly evolving newest, latest and greatest information: Are old fashioned manners out of fashion? Has 24 hour Cable News TV taken us into a reality of fighting, fortunetelling and fear mongering? Has unreal Reality TV taken us away from forming our own realities in our own lives? America has traditionally been the "firstest and bestest" in everything we do. Yet, America is not going through a Renaissance right now. However, one fact never changes: Manners take you everywhere.
   Americans can become the most beautifully educated people on the planet. We can all go to College and University, but can we go out to dinner without embarrassing ourselves? Are our parents and schools teaching the number one manners rule, which is: Leaders always make others feel special. Leaders never embarrass others. Leaders always anticipate the other person's next need.
   Has America become a Godless, reckless, lawless, and feckless, uncivil society? Will the unique entrepreneurial spirit of our nation, our "Rule of Law" and our rules of etiquette continue to set us apart from every other country in the world? In any society, the manners pendulum swings along with the social, political and moral pendulums, and as any piano lesson, the pendulum swings back and forth, left to right.
     As time moves farther away from the opulent Golden Age and strict, formal Victorian manners, our daily behaviors become more relaxed as our casual lives grow busier and more complicated. I was once told by a Victorian raised, very socially prominent 'Grand Dame': "A 'toe-mat-toe" is worth 1/2 a penny more than a tomato." However, does this saying still ring true? Is this saying even applicable in today's society.
   No more do we have to keep up with Pickle Forks, Oyster Forks, Fish Forks, Olive Forks, Lemon Forks, Pastry Forks, Sweetmeat Forks, and Ice Cream Forks. As John Loring, the man who compiles all those Tiffany and Company coffee table books, says: "Thank goodness Tiffany and Co. does not have to keep up with manufacturing and stocking these 100 + different opulent serving pieces and accoutrement's any longer."
       These days, there exists an entire new generation of teenagers that do not know how to hold their forks. They have been raised eating french fries and chicken fingers with their fingers in the car on the way to supervised after school and weekend activities such as band practice, soccer practice or dance class. However, this generation of kids are technology savvy. They can Skype and place photos on Face book from their phones in seconds. My 4 year old grandson who could not yet read, showed me how to use the "skip" button on the clicker to skip through the "Previews" before watching a DVD movie.
   This teenage generation also has friends at school, as shown on their Face book pages, of all different ethnicity, race and religion from all over the world. They think nothing of these 21st Century international immigrants from far lands. They judge their friends by how good they are as people. This fresh, new generation of young people are neither better off, nor worse off, they are just different.
   My 15 year old Nephew calls my husband and myself by the traditional titles: Aunt Kathy and Uncle Jim. However, he calls his best friends' parents by their first names as requested by these parents. Otherwise, he answers: "Yes, Mrs. Jones." As shocking as this may sound to most Southerners, the phrases "Mam" and "Sir" smack back to a certain time of servitude in the old South, and this time of servants and domestic help is over. The younger generation can just as easily say: "Yes, Mrs. Jones" and "No, Mr. Smith" rather than "Yes, Mam" or "No, Sir." Respect of proper titles to the adult is still shown. The language is just different.
   Weddings are now different. No longer does the little hometown girl marry the little hometown boy the week after graduating High School or College. Technology, and the ease of travel have made commuter relationships possible. Couples now post their wedding stories, photos, gift giving information, and directions on line, on their own websites! Very convenient for ordering gifts, and the out of town guests attending the wedding. Yes, the gift registry is listed, but no longer do guests have to telephone the Mother of the Bride to ask where the Bride is registered.
   Party invitations and RSVP's are also different. Party invitations are still sent out by snail mail, but also may be sent out by E-mail. The R.s.v.p. can be phoned in or conveniently answered on e-mail. As Richmond is so traditional, I still receive a few wedding invitations every Summer that require a hand written response, so I write my response, but I must say the pre-stamped envelope and matching card to check and place in the mail is quick and convenient. Yes, knowing how to write a response to a wedding is nice, but is it still important in society? Is this skill worth 1/2 a penny more than sending a pre-made card in the mail?
   Entertaining is also different. Often, the Host and Hostess do all the preparation, cooking, serving, and clean up for parties. Technology and relatively inexpensive prepared foods have made entertaining easier for the hosts. Savvy guests help hang up coats, help in the set up or clean up and may even help park cars!
   Stemware and Fine China usage is also different. The large Victorian Iced Tea glass used for only Iced Tea during the opulent Victorian age is now sold on gift registries as a Water Goblet. The large Water Goblet is now used as a Wine Goblet. The smaller Wine Claret is not used much any longer, and the Champagne Flute has now replaced the Champagne Saucer. Many Dinner plates are now 10" -12" large. They also double as Buffet, Charger or Service Plates.
   Salad Plates now also double as Dessert Plates. Bread and Butter Plates, if even ordered by the Bride, double as Dessert Plates.

Mugs have replaced the Cup and Saucer. Rimmed Soup Bowls have replaced the double handled, hand honed Cream Soup Bowls and Plate. Neither are better nor worse, just different.
   By living less formally, does this mean the younger generations have to be less kind, less thoughtful, less patient? No it does not.
Families must maintain the responsibilities of parenting and teaching their children general respect.
The best thing we can do as a society is to remember, teach, listen and have faith in God. Remember the fallen as they have kept us free. Remember our friends and families. Remember our relatives who have passed. Listening to the life stories of wise women and men, their life celebrations and struggles, is the greatest gift that can be given to the young. One fact remains: Change is neither better nor worse, but change is always different.

Operation "White Cake" As She Wished Is True Love

2011-08-16T12:18:00.000-07:00

During this age of avarice, some young people confusing accomplishment with bling, this romantic man spent 1 year planning his girlfriend's surprise dream wedding. He proposed, then they were immediately married! Such a fresh, lovely, true change of pace! Etiquette constantly changes with changing times but this change back to true love is a lovely and welcome change!

Best wishes and congratulations to the happy couple for a lifetime of bliss!

Summertime Is Everyday A Casual Friday Manners Day

2011-08-06T10:29:00.000-07:00

    Maybe, chalk it up to the heat of Summer and people are so hot, they have lost minding their manners. Maybe our entire society is much more casual as we are more international, muilticultural and move farther in time away from the strick manners of Victorian societies. Would you floss your teeth during a business meeting? Do you reapply your lipstick, (or watch another woman do so), before, during or after a meal at the table? Really?
   Last week, during a casual business meeting with lunch ordered in, one man pulled out his dental floss and began flossing his teeth. Yes, you read right, flossing his teeth. Did he think no one would notice? In seeing this act, my husband and another man imediately put down their forks and that was the end of their meal. They were completely grossed out!
   A few weeks ago while out at a restaurant, I watched one man's face as his date reapplied her lip stick after a meal. His facial expression was one of distaste. Why didn't this woman just excuse herself for 2 minutes, get off her "wallet" and go to the Ladies' Room? Did she think no one was watching?
   The next time you eat out in public at a restaurant, public park or charity event, look around. By watching others' behavior at the table, one can tell who has been somewhere and who has not.
   Every summer this reapplication of lipstick issue pops up. Possibly every day during the summer is a casual Friday manners day? Today, this issue was discussed on the Hoda and Kathie Lee Show. Lipstick reapplication examples were given while at public events in the Hamptons.

Who Has Not Had a Horrible Boss?

2011-07-24T12:10:00.000-07:00

   Having such a large plethora of bad boss stories stored up, I'll share here one quick Horrible Boss short story:

100 years ago when I was 22 and out into the real wide working world for the first time (aside from babysitting, cutting grass, being a camp counselor and waiting tables) WOW, was I in for a large surprise! I was apparently so sheltered and naive during my childhood, I thought the bullying, the caddy comments, the raised eyebrows, sideways glances, and outright rudeness all were officially a thing of the past. We were all adults now and we were supposed to act as such. Man, was I wrong. I have no idea why I thought adults in a corporate business environment were supposed to be professional.
   My first job was in a "Devil Wears Prada" world. Once a week or so for lunch, seemingly always in frigid temperatures, I had to walk 4 long blocks in New York (long blocks are the cross street blocks between Lexington and Park), to fetch hot french fries for my supervisor (not the big boss I adored working for). Not just hot under the heat lamp fries, mind you. We are talking freshly cooked searing hot fries straight out of the grease, and a big hamburger and soda.
   Trying hard to please my boss, I would wrap my scarf not around my head, but around the fries and hold them inside the matching Sherlock Holmes coat my Mother had given me for Christmas. Her idea of style, but it was a heavy coat and not so warm.
   Fries and hamburger inside my coat with one arm, cold soda and purse outside my coat with the other arm, I would run from 57th and Second Avenue back to 57th and Madison hoping both hot and cold fine cuisine would meet with approval. Delivering the lunch to my bosses desk first, I would then hang up my coat, sit at my desk and begin to quickly and quietly eat my yogurt I brought from home and go back to work.
   If I heard a disapproving scowl: "These are cold", and saw a french fry flying down onto the bosses desk, it was going to be a long afternoon. However, if I heard a full, muffled mouthful of fries saying: "These are good", at least I knew the long afternoon may be better.

Meditation from Mother Theresa

2011-07-18T10:28:00.000-07:00

I have sent this quote out with Christmas cards in years past and have posted this quote on this blog in the past. So, during these uncertain times, often negative times, and because America is just not going through a Renaissance right now, here is my favorite quote again:

People are often unreliable, illogical and self-centered;
forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives;
be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and true enemies;
succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend your years building, someone may destroy overnight;
build it anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, it may never be enough;
give the world the best you have anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God.
It never was between you and them anyway.

--Mother Theresa

Sweet Briar College Community Always Remembers Daisy

2011-07-10T10:31:00.000-07:00

Forget-Me-Not, Forget-Me-Never, Remember The Fun We Had Together

   Some say, people who have passed live on in our memories as long as we remember them. Although generations of Sweet Briar students did not know Daisy Williams, she surrounds us all, day and night. Her spirit is all around our campus. A lovely young soul that is not forgotten, but remembered.
   Early on Freshman year, we are told the tales, stories, myths and mysteries of Daisy's ghost. On Founders' Day every Fall, there is an annual pilgrimage, all the way up to Boxwood Hill where at the pinnacle sits Daisy's Grave. Not just any simple headstone, oh no. At first sight, this 20 foot tall granite monument complete with Corinthian columns all around and decorative plaques adorning it, topped with a statue of "Faith" pointing to Heaven, is a bit awesome to behold. But wait, "Faith" has a finger missing. What's up with that? Was it Daisy?  Then and there, on Boxwood Hill, as a Freshman, you start hearing the stories.
   Allegedly in the 1970's, a group of girls visited Daisy's monument to search for an unmarked grave which has since been removed. The legend is, if you place a quarter on top of the headstone, when you return, there on the ground will be scrawled, the name of the person next to die. Apparently, one girl was so upset by this legend, she immediately ran back to her room in Grammer Dorm, as fast as she could, and locked herself inside. Her friends tried to get her to open up, knocking and banging on her door, but there was no answer. Finally, they crawled through the old transom. They found her alive, but with scratches all over her face!
   Typically on the weekends, there is always one group of girls who take a trip up to Daisy's grave to scare each other. One such trip consisting of a few friends and I, produced a very eerie strip of film. In the bottom right corner of one of the photographs taken was a faint, fuzzy gray image of a person. Was this human-like photographic presence Daisy? Maybe.
   Following each Freshman's Founders' Day, begin the tours of Daisy's bedroom in the Sweet Briar House. Stepping up the windy, narrow stairs, we peek around the corner to see where, as we are told, Daisy died. Scared to look too closely, scared to be in her room for too long, and afraid we may see something unknown, or that she may see and remember us as intruders, our glances are distant and quick. Therein lies Daisy's little twin bed, her dress and dolls, her child's chair and her Hope Chest. Here comes the glitch. If the stairs creak when you step on them, on the way up or down from her room, Daisy herself will pay you a visit. So, rationally speaking, if you dream of Daisy that night, are you dreaming of her, or is she visiting you in your dreams?
   From then on, it never fails. Every time a book falls off of a shelf, each time you hear a noise in the night, every time something weird happens, it is Daisy. She's not forgotten. She is remembered. She's around.
   One of my classmates still freaks out at the mere mention of Daisy's name. She will simultaneously burst into a spell of shrill shrieks, small screams, shivers and immediately shakes her head, quickens her pace and walks on!
   Daisy follows us into the dining hall, along the green grass of the Dell and down to the "Dungeon", (a study hall in Reid Dorm basement). She also follows us as we walk down the stairs of the 100 year old library into the dark halls of the hallowed "Stacks."
   Whether it be frightening Freshman or scaring each other silly, Sweet Briar students will continue to remember their founder with fondness, and a bit of fear.

Does a casual picnic outdoors cause your inside manners to go flying out the window?

2011-07-07T09:39:00.000-07:00

Over the July 4th Holiday, Prince William and Princess Catherine enjoyed a romantic picnic on a remote Canadian island dining on paper plates. Did picnicking outdoors cause William and Kate's indoor manners to go flying out the window? Did William and Kate use their Royal manners casually? Of course they did!
How was your picnic over the July 4th holiday? Was your picnic a mass of balled up greasy gross paper napkins on top of crushed cups and bent paper plates? Did you find dirty plastic plates on your buffet table and Styrofoam cups strewn all over your yard?? Well, if the Royals can regally dine off of casual paper plates, so can you!

Here are a few tips to help you enjoy yourself and help your host and hostess enjoy themselves:

Treat your paper napkin just like you would treat a cloth napkin. Fold your paper napkin neatly in your lap.
If you need more than one paper napkin, neatly stack a few together on your lap. FOLD them together when done.
No one wants to eat their meal while looking at your gross out, grubby used ball of greasy mess of a paper napkin on top of your paper plate. Get up from the picnic table, find a trash can, dispose of your trash, then re-join your party.
Do not fold up your paper plate. Just dispose of it and your neatly folded paper napkin in the trash.
Do not crumple up your paper cup or tear off chunks of your Styrofoam cup like you are a seven year old. Simply place your cup in the trash.
Do not pluck off the tines of your plastic fork and play with it like a sharp tool. Rude and dangerous to point it at anyone.
Never place a used plate or used cup on the buffet table. Yuck. Find a trash can.
If you go back up to the buffet table for seconds, get a fresh plate. No Norovirus here, please!!

Have fun this summer on your next picnic and use your Royal casual outdoor manners!

Kate and William enjoy romantic picnic on remote Canadian island

America's Table Manners Meltdown and Please, Pass the Salt

2011-07-04T16:52:00.000-07:00

   Today, a wise friend made the comment: "Unfortunately, I am afraid to say, manners in America are becoming passe." Yes, in the last decade, there has been a noticeable change in manners in America. There has been a change in the lifestyle and priorities of the younger generation, thus a change in the manners and objectives of my students. Yes, some manners never change and are neglected. Other manners are passe. Certain other manners have evolved into a new generation as different. Not right, not wrong, just different.
   For example, ten years ago, parents sent their children to me to fine tune their 10 year olds' table manners. Today, I teach 17 year old Seniors in High School how to hold a fork. Why? Change in lifestyle. Now, there are kids' menus at many casual restaurants kids can eat with their fingers. Easier for the tired, working parents. Children also eat fast food in the car with their fingers on the way to 6:00 p.m. soccer practice, or Sunday afternoon lacrosse practice.
   Last year, I taught an extraordinarily talented teenager who had straight A grades, perfect scores on her SAT's, played in the US Open Tennis Championships with her Father, and had 600 hours of community service, but she did not know how to hold a fork. At least she knew that she did not know.
  Today, sophisticated teens know everything there is to know about technology and how to gather any information needed on each of their multiple social media gadgets, but due to their busy school schedules and both parents working, families rarely sit down at the table for dinner. Not right, not wrong, just different.
   Competition is so stiff for these few full scholarships, colleges and universities now invite these students to lunch. They want well rounded students and figure if a young adult has missed simple table manners, what else have they missed. If a student is asked to pass the salt, and only passes the salt, this student does not get the scholarship. Why? The simple answer is simple to those in the know.
   This student did not correctly anticipate the next need of the other person, which would be also passing the pepper. The etiquette dictates that a self-directed, empathetic student, or business professional, always anticipates the next need of the other person , or customer, whether they know their own next need at that time or not.
   Never mind one slip of the tongue. One slip of the fork, or passing of only the salt and one does not get the scholarship. By the way, can you pass the butter?

Happy American Independence Day!

2011-07-04T10:16:00.000-07:00

Happy July 4th to all Americans and remember those who made and make our freedom possible.

Prom and Reality News TV

2011-06-23T08:35:00.000-07:00

   Priorities in this country lately seem to be upside down. Emphasis is being put on all the wrong material things in life. Yes, life celebrations are important and should be enjoyed, but the High School Prom, a dance, one night, should not be the do all, be all, end all.
   Last week I was in line at the Food Lion and heard a young woman in front of me discussing her High School Prom She said: "What other reason is there to go to High School other than Prom?" I'm sorry, what about studying hard to get into college or trade school so one may learn a marketable skill?
   Last night, I watched a national evening news program focusing on a public High School graduating class attending the Prom. These were normal kids from New Jersey. These young adults were not preppy private school rich kids. The show focused not on their academic achievements, or where they were going to attend college, but a dance. One dance. One night.
   The show highlighted the girls' $6,000.00 designer sequined dresses picked out 9 months before the Prom. They reported that one girl drove to this dress shop 8 hours from Ohio to buy her Prom dress. Wow, it almost sounds like a wedding! The manicures and Manolo's. The pedicures, diets, workouts, makeup and $1,800.00 hair extensions. Pardon me? Did the news man just report on hair extensions for High School girls?
   The boys' tuxedos were then talked about, how they asked their date to the Prom, the wrist corsages they picked out for their dates, and the stretch limousines. The end result was a camera shot of all the girls and boys lined up in their finest sparkling frocks to board the luxury bus to all go to the Prom together after a "Before Party" at one girl's house.
   Oh no! Now the luxury bus is late. The Hostess (Mother of one of the girls) is on her cell phone crying and screaming obscenities at the poor person on the other end of the line about the late luxury bus. Screaming one obscenity after another. Really? Reality News TV, I guess.
   The reporter asked how much this Mother had spent on her daughters' Prom and before party and the total was something close to $10,000.00. The Mother said spending this extravagant amount of money for her daughter for one night, one dance, was worth every penny. These High School Seniors all looked like they were going to the Oscars. Red Carpet ready, I guess.
   The reporter asked one girl why this Prom night was such a big deal to her. She replied: "Prom is everything I have grown up watching and wanting on TV and in the movies. I just want to feel like one of those movie stars for one night." Movie stars? What happened with simply being happy to have a date and have a nice time?
   Once, I was on a Red Carpet with a Haute Couture designer dress. None of the paparazzi took my picture and the experience did not improve my life professionally, financially or socially. Being on the Red Carpet did not make me more popular or feel more loved. Life is so much more simple. Are Americans so comfortable financially and comfortable in our extra large, nice homes with all our stuff, we have become bored with simple? Americans are having a Mildred Pierce moment.

Happy Memorial Day !

2011-05-30T11:02:00.000-07:00

Soldiers & Sailors Monument, New York City 1907

Remember, all of our fallen US hero's helped secure our freedoms we enjoy today and forever.

The 3 "B's" of Toasting and International Signals

2011-05-26T07:08:00.000-07:00

Here we go again. Another American politician makes another International faux-pas while visiting a foreign country. President George Bush, then First Lady Michelle Obama touch the Queen. Tim Kaine makes the "thumbs up" gesture during the Queen's 2007 visit to Virginia, (in Europe Latin America and The Middle East, hand gestures are obscene)! Yesterday, President Obama makes many mistakes during his toast to the Queen. The poor Queen. She does not say anything, but she did shoot him a look when he toasted her during the national anthem.

The casual, relaxed and affable President Obama just never took the quick etiquette class on the logistics of giving a toast. He said at the end of his speech, as he was also laying down his note cards: "Ladies and Gentleman, please stand with me and raise your glasses as I propose a toast...to Her Majesty The Queen."

These words are THE International signal for: "I am finishing up my toast," just like marrying the knife and fork together in the 10:20 position on one's plate is the International signal for: "I am finished with my meal, remove my plate." The conductor thought President Obama was finishing up his toast, so the orchestra started up the British national anthem. Then surprisingly, a few seconds later, President Obama started talking again and continued giving his toast. Everyone else in the room was standing at attention in silence for their National Anthem. Finally, President Obama raised his glass to The Queen and for the second time looked as though he was winding up his toast. The Queen, in the middle of this confusion, shot him a glance reminiscent of a look my Mother used to give me at the dinner table or at a party when my manners were lacking and she did not want to, or could not say anything.

The President should have paused, stood silently until the anthem was done, then raised his glass and finished his toast.

Then, after all that, President Obama did not drink from his glass as everyone else did (save the Queen). The whole scene was painful to watch.

Yet again, the stereo-typical "Ugly American" and our poor manners. Why? One does not have to have money to have manners. Why do we not teach a manners course in school to 3rd graders, then again, to rising Juniors? Why do Harvard and Yale apparently not have an etiquette afternoon seminar? Do they think little rules of etiquette only apply to little people?

Tricky etiquette, especially Internationally...really? Toasting is easy, really. All you need to read are a few basic rules as follows:

1. The 3 "B's" of toasting are always: Begin, Be Brief and Be Seated.
2. A welcome toast (before eating) and a toast to the guest of honor (dessert course) is always given by the host. The host leads the
way, always toasts first, and sets the tone.
3. One always stands up to give a toast.
4. Never drink to yourself if the toast is in your honor.
5. The International signal for finishing a toast are these words: "Let us raise our glasses with a toast to... "So-in-So."

So, you see, little rules of etiquette DO apply to little people and Big people at Harvard, Yale and The Queen. She knows all the little rules of etiquette !

Celebrating Cousins, The Preakness, And A Fille

2011-05-23T10:43:00.000-07:00

   We Americans celebrate most everything all the time. Visiting cousins, feasting on steamed crab and champagne at the kitchen table on a Thursday night. A black-eyed Susan pre-Preakness party to benefit Breast Cancer, and a rockin' country breakfast complete with mimosas to celebrate the birth of a fille.
   Yesterday, with two cousins and their 19 year old daughter, Svetlana, who we call Sveta, I helped bring a baby horse, a fille, into this world. Neatest thing I've done since being 5th row at The Rolling Stones!
   The early morning began with the muffled voice of my cousin Mary: "Sveta, get up. Ken called and said it's time." Mary's voice was nearing our room, and I could hear in her voice her nerves and an urgency, yet she has such a warm, calm tone in her words. "We need to go now. Right now." Kathy, it's time."
    Anticipating this birth, I had taken my wedding rings off the night before and had laid my girl jeans and L.L. Bean "Rain Skimmer" shoes out, just in case. I rumbled down the stairs, ran out the door and down to the running shed. Apparently, I went the long way as I did not hear Mary and Sveta behind me. I jumped the fence as I did not have time to figure out where the gate was located. One slip on skimmer shoe got stuck in the mud and I had to circle around briefly to get it back on my size 11 foot.
   There she was, a beautiful black mare laying on her side fully "in foal" on the soft hay. Mary ran to her head to keep her calm, and got on her cell phone to call two friends who also happened to be obstetrics nurses anxious to see the birth.
Looking down, I saw that the sac was sticking out. This birth had begun.
   Above the bubble at the base of the opaque sac, were what looked like her hooves. At this point I could hear Ken saying: "O.K., Sveta and Kathy, I need you guys to take hold of the legs and pull. Pull down." Petite and pretty, silent Sveta was standing in the middle between Ken and myself. I gently found room and placed my hands around baby's legs and began to pull. Ken quickly and kindly said: " Not there with your left hand, Kathy, that's the nose." I quietly gasped and immediately placed my hand at the top of the cannon bone where there was room. I could now see the faint outline of the foal, her hooves and nose positioned to pounce out into the world, then heard a pop. The sac was broken. Ken asked: "Was that a pop?" "Yes, I answered, still pulling. I hoped baby had oxygen, but I did not know for sure. One thing I did know for sure was that this foal needed to come out, as any baby cannot be in the birth canal for too long and survive.
  The three of us were now pulling with every pound of energy we possessed. Ken kept instructing us in his firm but focused voice to: "Pull Down" (due to the curved shape of baby and how it exits the birth canal). I could hear the strain of Ken's voice and sighs. Suddenly, the mare lifted her head up and made motions with her body and feet. She was fixing to stand up. Mary gasped: "She's standing up!" And so she was.
   We scurried to stand up and re-positioned ourselves then started pulling down, again. More straining and stressing with all our collective strength. It seemed to happen in slow motion but went on forever. All sounds seemed muted to my ears as I was so concentrated on the task at hand. Pulling down using every muscle and all of our body weight, gasping for breath, grunting with frustration. The vibe of urgency was rising in the air. I could hear it in Ken's rapidly repeated instruction: "Keep pulling down."
   Thinking something had to change, perhaps another direction, I raised my right hand and slowly, very gently pressed my palm flat against the mare's labia majora and pushed it up. My intention was to try to widen and loosen the muscle so baby had more room to slip through. Maybe baby moved a bit, I could not tell, so I tried it again. Maybe the mare felt the pressure and pushed back with her vulva muscle. Maybe the mare had a contraction. Maybe all the pulling finally worked. All I know is, in that mere moment, the foal came out with a plunk onto the soft hay. Miraculously, the running shed reminded me of a manger.
One moment to relax our arms, relief and a sigh, then suddenly, the Mare started stomping her right hind leg. I grabbed it under the carpus to keep her from stomping on the baby. Ken put his arms around the baby and scooted her out of the way. Mary calmed the mare.
   We all stood silent, agape and in awe of the newness of this new life and series of firsts for this fille. We witnessed the opening of her dark black eyes seeing also her long eyelashes for the first time. How her sleek wet ears popped up and she lifted her head looking at all of us. Mary crept slowly over to examine the baby. She's a girl! Mary showed me her dermal papillae or "fingers" at the base of her hooves that all baby horses are born with, but that go away soon after birth once they stand up and start running around. We were, all of us, smitten with this little fille. She was beautiful and perfect, like a rare, black diamond. What a jewel! On Preakness race day, none-the-less!
    Life is filled with celebrations and blessings. We should appreciate good days, new experiences, our energy, and having our health. Of course, all horses cannot be Preakness winners, but this new fille has instantly, unconditionally, and forever championed our hearts.

Different China Place Settings From Different Grandmothers is Great!

2011-05-18T18:35:00.000-07:00

   Recently, an article in the Neiman Marcus Blog, the NM Daily, entitled: Table of the Elements about mixing up your china appeared on my Facebook page. Apparently, using 72 pieces of the same matching china set is "out." I always thought the matching, preppy Papagallo Syndrome went out with the Reagan '80's. Retail reinventing itself once again to sell more stuff. Nothing new.
   Single in the city for 20 years, I have been mixing up my 5 sets of incomplete china from 2 grandmothers and a great-grandmother for years because I had it, it was free, it was pretty and each time I used it, I thought of my relatives!
   A friend of my Sister's has a grandmother famous for her eclectic Thanksgiving table as each of her 12 place settings are completely different china settings. Not even complimentary. Different kaolin from different continents, different designs and colors, different china companies. Each guest gets his or her own individual, special place setting of china, crystal stemware and sterling flatware. Brilliant!
   John Loring of Tiffany & Company (the lucky man who writes all those coffee table books), says that Joanne Woodward once told him having eclectic china from grandmothers means you have a background. It gives you a history of family, which is interesting!
   Yes, you may put your china in the dishwasher but you MUST use only 1 teaspoon of PLAIN detergent, gentle cycle and NO HEAT DRY. Lemon in detergents are excellent for pots and pans. However, the acidic lemon eats off the glaze on china, crystal and will eat off the gold rim as well. Heat also weakens and can crack your porous china. The water is hot enough, even on the gentle cycle. Always "Air Dry," and you'll save energy. Load and unload your china nicely. Do not crowd.
   You may place your table settings on the exposed wooden table, but you will have little scratches called patina on the wood with normal use over time. For antique tables, this may be desirable, but for modern wood or Formica tables, this may not be good.  Also, food particles and any moisture or water marks will leave stains on your table finish and may ruin the table. Instead, use a simple white or ecru tablecloth to protect the table and show off your pretty china.
Your Grannies' eclectic china, crystal and flat silver is always "in" and will be chic for years to come.

Take care of your family's history and enjoy!

Movie Extra Work Requires Sprezzatura

2011-05-17T21:42:00.000-07:00

   As a retired Retail Manager having worked 14 hour days (on average), 6-7 days a week since I was 25, I thought being a movie "extra" would be work, but easier than Retail work, and fun. Wow, was I ever almost not ready for a exhilarating workout!
   "Extra" work is much more physically demanding than I physically imagined. Even "extras" must remain poised, bright, smiling and "on" while appearing relaxed and enjoying themselves. Talk about Sprezzatura*!
   Commuting downtown, parking, shuttling to the location, followed by 2 hours of costume and makeup, hair, then more waiting for the "techies" to make final tweaks for the scene to be set up, only then to stand in 3" heels for more than 10 hours with 1 (one) 1/2 hour break after 6 hours, (according to Union rules), is exhilarating and exhausting. An unforgettable happy day!
   The scaffolding for the "techies", the cords, the tape, and the amazing cameras are many, huge and complex. A bit awesome to behold. The blocking of the shots that made it to the final cut of the Harvest Ball scenes are so very "tight" (close up) showing the movie stars off nicely, but not the real local stars of the movie.
   It was a shame the Director did not pull the camera just a bit back to capture more of the beautiful clothing, and the most unusual, exotic interior of the Victorian, High Gothic, Old City Hall building and its famous bottled glass tiled floor.
   It was also a shame the Director did not light up the 15 second exterior shot of the Harvest Ball to better show off the Historic Bolling-Haxall House and its gorgeous Brownstone exterior and the original ironwork fence and foliage.
   As a 50 year old extra, running up the large old cement exterior stairs, then back down for an immediate "reset", at least 40 times in 3" heels and party dress for 2 1/2 hours was tiring. I was out of breath toward the end of the shoot. Thank goodness for years of being a runner. One never knows in "Hollywood" what natural gifts, talents, bar tricks and hobbies which may come in handy during any particular shoot.
   Richmond, the local star of the movie, is indeed fortunate to have had, in large part thanks to Elizabeth Scott Bocock, a star preservationist and philanthropist, many historic buildings and properties preserved for all to enjoy, in the here and now and on the big screen.
   Extras do have an unspoken, unwritten etiquette to observe, and with a little luck, all their hard work will not all end up on the cutting room floor. Richmond is ready for its close up, Mr. DeMille!!

Enjoy the movie Unanswered Prayers on the Lifetime Network!

*Sprezzatura is an Italian word from the Book of the Courtier (year 1528) meaning one who is " to practise in everything a certain nonchalance that shall conceal design and show that what is done and said is done without effort and almost without thought."

Royal Wedding Etiquette and Traditions - Oh Jolly Good!!

2011-04-21T12:43:00.000-07:00

The Queen thinks Royal Wedding Etiquette is so important, Buckingham Palace has issued to each of the 1900 guests invited to the Royal wedding and catering staff, a 22 page "Etiquette Book." This book gently instructs gentleman and ladies on behaviours from appropriate dress to eye contact to cell phone and Twitter non-usage. I have also added a few general, cultural differences. Some of the rules of etiquette are as follows:

Gentleman must remove their top hats while in church.
Gentleman must wear a "Morning Suit," "Lounge Suit," or Formal Military Dress.
Ladies must dress appropriately for church. This rule includes covering one's shoulders, wearing a hat to cover one's head and not wearing anything garish or to garner attention. It is the Bride's day. This rule also includes not wearing white or cream coloured clothing. Pants Suits are frowned upon.
Americans are not required to bow or curtsy as the Queen walks by, but may do so out of respect. Ladies, place your right ankle behind your left ankle and dip at the knee, arms at your sides and bow your head slightly. Gentleman, bend your elbow and place your hand, palm in, at your waist. Bend slightly at the waist and bow your head slightly.
Do Not touch the Queen.
Do Not shake the Queen's hand unless she holds her hand out first to shake your hand.
Do Not speak to the Queen unless she speaks to you first.
If the Queen addresses you first, answer her ending your first response with "Your Majesty." End your second response with "Ma'am" to rhyme with "jam."
Needless to say, turn OFF your cell phone.
Do Not take photos of the queen as she passes by with your cell phone either. Enjoy the moment instead of holding the camera in the Queen's face as she walks in front of you and trying to capture the moment with a photograph.
Do Not update your Facebook status.
Do Not Tweet.
Keep your hands at your sides when standing. Gentleman, keep your hands out of your pockets. Europeans consider this act rude.
Do Not make any gestures with your hands. In Europe, the "O.K." and "Thumbs Up" hand gestures have very different meanings, and these hand gestures are extremely insulting and rude.
Do Not gobble up food and gulp up drink at the Reception, and for goodness sakes, Do Not get drunk.
Catering Staff: when serving Royalty and guests, Do Not look at them. Do not talk to them. Appear and disappear discretely and silently.
Hold the champagne glass properly, by the stem.

Read up on your European Etiquette in general and Enjoy the Day!

Resume Do's and Don'ts

2011-04-20T20:56:00.000-07:00

   Your resume should serve as a snapshot of your professional life dotted with a glimpse of your personal life, just like your Facebook Profile. It should also be only 1 page.
   I once temped for Philip Morris's Human Resources Department. They had 5-6 round 48" tables filled with 1 foot high stacks of resumes covering each tabletop, and that was just what had come in that week. All I did all week long was open resumes and sort. So please, If the CEO of IBM can have a 1 page resume, so can you.
   Leave out a few minor details so you have something to talk about during the interview. Like Poker, you do not want to show all your cards at once.
   Keep references and the corresponding phone numbers current. Be concise and to the point. Hit spell check, but remember, spell check is not the 'do all, be all, end all.' Also, have a friend check for spelling, punctuation and grammar.
   Most importantly, be yourself. Arrive near your location an hour before your appointment. Walk around the building. Walk around the lobby. Listen to those around you and try to figure out if the company you want to work for is right for you!! Yes, they must think you are a good fit and like you, but you must like them too!

Miracle of the Week in the Country

2011-03-22T08:26:00.000-07:00

Last Saturday night, my husband and I took our cocktails, got in the car and drove out into the middle of our field to look at the full moon, blasting Bruce Springstein "The Boss," of course! According to the weather man, the moon was 30% brighter and 16% larger than usual. Still about the size of my thumb nail though.
Fun and simple way to spend a Saturday night. Somtimes "simpler is better" and more fun! How do you spend your leisure time? Enjoy!

"Smarmy" Entitlement Genration Behavior Of The Day

2011-03-16T17:05:00.000-07:00

Today at Whole Foods, using my 3 recyclable bags, my seemingly happy, chatty, preppy cashier asked me if I wanted to donate my .15 cents credit towards their "So-in-so" charity. I replied: "Sure." She then proceeded to hand me 3 porous, wooden chips to place into a designated charity bin. I guess the management came up with this procedure for the customers so they feel better about spending their whole paycheck at Whole Foods. Anyway, I nicely explained to the cashier I had just gotten over a cold and did not want to transmit germs to anyone, and invited her to take the chips over to the charity bin. Her expression changed to a disgusted
look and she slammed the chips down into a bowl on top of her register and made a "tisk" sound with her mouth. I thanked her and walked away.
30 years ago when I was starting out in retail, if I glanced at a customer the wrong way or breathed on a customer the wrong way, I would have been fired on the spot for insubordination. I realize every generation thinks the younger generations are ruder than they were,but it seems like we have now entered into a society of incivility. Being civil costs nothing. Incivility used to cost your business millions. Now, I guess we all just put up with incivility, but it sure takes the fun out of the day sometimes!

Country Miracle Of The Day

2011-03-16T16:26:00.000-07:00

Today on the way home from three grocery stores, I saw one of Dr. Caravati's cows poking his head through the barbed wire fence eating the green grass on the other side. Why? Because the cow could and haven't y'all heard...the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence! Miracles happen every day, but they happen fast. Take a second to notice your miracle and smile!

Life at the Top of the Crystal Tabletop

2011-03-14T07:40:00.000-07:00

The 'Golden Rule' of Etiquette is: "He who has the most gold rules." Rules change as society changes, but those in the know, always know!
As a Registered Bridal Consultant for a dozen years, I saw many permanent changes in the way people use their tableware. In today's column, we are addressing stemware and its usages.
Before 1911, there were no Federal taxes. Definitely an industrial age of opulence. Tiffany & Company capitalized on the 1000 new, New York millionaire capitalists by coming out with at least 99 different utensils for 99 different foods and drinks. Water glasses, wine clarets, iced tea glasses, port glasses, cocktail glasses, fruit cocktail glasses, high ball glasses, double old fashioned glasses, champagne saucers, finger bowls and plate, etc. Basically, Tiffany & Co. fueled for their own benefit, this age of opulence by creating new rules of etiquette for daily, albeit, fancy living, for those who could afford that life at the top of the crystal tabletop.
Thank goodness those days are over, as now, one does not have to have money to have manners. Who has the desire (never mind money) to acquire all those 99 items and who can clean it all and keep it all up anyway. The old opulent, yet strict Victorian rules for stemware no longer apply.
Brides and 'Singletons' now use what used to be the water goblet for the wine goblet. Iced tea glasses are now used for the water glass, so guests do not run out of water so quickly at the table. Or, the iced tea glass can be used for dessert parfait or pudding!
Very few families can afford domestic help any longer, so the hostess has been forced to be creative in trying to make her duties easier. She too, wants to partially enjoy her party when entertaining. Neither wine clarets nor port wine glasses are used much any longer.
One can also wash crystal in the dishwasher! No hand washing needed! Don't fret, it will not break. Load your crystal into the dishwasher gently and laterally. Do not crowd your crystal. Run a few loads if needed. Use your gentle cycle only and NO heat dry. Only use the air dry cycle. Use only 1 teaspoon of PLAIN detergent. Never use lemon detergent on anything other than pots and pans. Crystal and china have a glaze on them and the acid from the lemon will eat off this glaze over time and dull and fade your crystal and china. Yes, plain detergent is hard to find, but dig for it in the supermarket or special order it at the customer service desk of your local market.
So, be creative, enjoy your crystal, then wash it in the dishwasher!

Bread & Butter Plate vs. Drink Glasses - On Which Side of The Plate Do They Belong?

2011-03-08T12:04:00.000-08:00

How often at a fine restaurant or crowded dinner party has the person next to you eaten your bread? What should you do? Where does your Bread & Butter Plate go anyway? Confused? Not unusual at all! Don't fret. Here's the solution to the Bread & Butter Plate vs. the Drink Glass dilemma forever.

Remember at camp when you used to play "World War I Flying Ace?" Take your fingers and place the tip of your "pointer finger" (first finger) to the tip of your thumb. Line up all your other fingers behind your first finger making a lower case "b" with your left hand and a lower case "d" with your right hand. Touch your fingers together to make a "bd" shape: "b"read on the left, "d"rink on the right. You can do this in your lap at the table. You can do this on a plane. In a restaurant while in Spain.

A piece of the key to the place setting universe is solved!

p.s. WWI Flying Ace is "bd" upside down with your fingers under your chin and the "bd" around your eyes like goggles!!

p.p.s. If the person seated next to you eats your bread, say nothing and have some bread when you get home!

Formal and Informal China - Who Wants It Anymore?

2011-03-01T09:35:00.000-08:00

Freshman year at college, a new friend on my hall asked me what china pattern I had chosen. At first, I didn't know exactly what she was talking about, then I figured out she must be referring to the formal china my Mother used in the Dining Room for Sunday Brunch, Thanksgiving, Christmas and guests.

My friend had already decided china in general was a priority in her life and that she wanted to make an investment in fine and every day china. So, when the time arises, a few burning questions are: As a young singleton or bride, do you want formal and/or informal china?

How many of each of the different matching pieces do you need? Do you like your serving pieces to also match your pattern or should they be a different pattern altogether that compliments your pattern? Do you entertain often or not at all? Are you rough on china or do you have butter fingers? These are practical and pertinent questions each bride or singleton should ask herself or himself.

Traditionally, wedding guests once gave place settings (dinner plate, salad plate, bread & butter plate, cup and saucer) as a gift. Then, place settings became prohibitive in price. So, giving a dinner plate, or salad plate became de rigueur. Now, the unfortunate trend is to give a "unique" gift. A bride once said to me she can remember that her Aunt gave her a dinner plate as well as some other gift she may not want as well. As a Registered Bridal Representative, I can say with 12 years of experience; brides just want their china!

Back to my friend Freshman year in college; she had already and smartly picked out her formal and informal china. One can give a piece of china for any type of gift including Christmas and Birthdays. Easy gift giving 101!!

My college friend had also considered condition, shape, and how the china would "wear" in her mind and in the dishwasher. She had considered the colors and style of each of the formal and informal china patterns as she was going to match her dining room decorating with her formal fine china and her kitchen decorating with her every day kitchen dishes. Even if you never marry, you may still want a set of china once you are out of school and have your own place!

My Freshman year friend, wisely weighed her decisions, and smartly picked out her formal and informal china patterns. One can give a piece of china for any type of gift including Christmas, Hanukkah and Birthdays. Easy "Gift Giving 101"!

So, figure out your china priorities and enjoy!

Pause and Listen

2011-02-12T09:59:00.000-08:00

From my book: Forget-Me-Not, Forget-Me-Never, Remember The Fun We Had Together

To Carrie-

If pleasures path you wish to see,
Five things observe with care,
To whom you speak of, of whom you speak,
And when, and how, and where.

Florence Gaynor
June 21, 1906

The other day, I snail mailed an old friend photographs from a Christmas luncheon. We had not seen each other in 14 years. Yesterday, she called me on the phone to thank me for the photographs.

My long time friend could have written and mailed a thank-you note, whipped off an E-mail of thanks, zoomed off a text message or an IM, sent a Facebook message, rattled off a Tweet, but no. She called. Sound old fashioned? Sound out of date? Sometimes simpler is better.

Hearing the voice of a friend may seem out of date to some. Hearing tone. Listening to the silences. Picking up the spoken and unspoken, unwritten vibes. Hearing, listening. What's the difference?

In listening we learn so much more than in writing, or in talking. True listening means not having anything to say saved up in your mind in response until the other person finishes speaking.

So, the next time a friend takes time to call, just pause and listen.

Valentine's Day Bullies

2011-02-02T22:33:00.000-08:00

Question:
Our daughter, now in Second Grade, does not want to go to school on Valentine's Day because last year she was picked on then devastated. Girls fight with words and yes, boy do they ever.

Situation:
The entire class, first thing in the morning, taped paper bags alphabetically underneath the chalkboard in the front of the class. Throughout the day everyone as instructed, placed Valentines into their friend's bags. At the end of the day, everyone checked their bags to see what nice goodies they received. Our daughter received 4 Valentines: "You're nice,", "You're stupid", "You're ugly" and "You're dumb." She was devastated and cried on her walk home.

Answer:
Call an immediate meeting with her/his teacher and Principal. The teacher should know her/his classroom well enough to recognize and privately call out the bullies. They should be punished appropriately, disciplined and should attend some type of therapy. They should also be told their behaviour will no longer be tolerated. The teacher should also speak with their parents.
Tell your daughter to hold her head up. Tell her she will be a better person in the future and as she grows up from having suffered this experience because she can be empathetic towards those who are bullies. Maybe the bullies are mean because their parents are mean to them and mean behaviour is all that they know.

The Lesson Learned:
Leaders include rather than exclude. Leaders never make others feel sad or embarrass others. Leaders always make others feel special.

Everyone has a Valentine, or Volunteer!!

2011-02-01T20:53:00.000-08:00

To my Valentine:
Somebody's longing for you,
Somebody loves you, dear,
Somebody's longing for you,
Somebody wants you near.

That's me sweetheart. Chester

A valentine sent from my grand-father Chester Barrett to my grand-mother Carrie Barrett in 1921.

As a single gal for 20 years, I used to really dislike the pressures of Valentine's Day every year. The questions. The waiting for flowers and cards. The anticipation of getting a gift from a boyfriend, or not. The loneliness some years.

Finally, I realized that Valentine's Day is not only for a boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife or significant other. Its purpose is to tell family members, friends and loved ones you love them. I have a friend who sends her Christmas Card list Valentine's Day cards instead every year! How cool!!

So, if prospects are a little slim this year, ask a friend to be your valentine or volunteer to feed the less fortunate a nice Valentine's meal and make a few new friends!

xoxo Carrie's grand-daughter

LTTE WSJ "Dearly Departed Salutation" Article 1-6-2011 and The Shooting in Arizona

2011-01-10T20:38:00.000-08:00

Dear Sirs and Madams:
The dropping of the traditional salutation "Dear" is one small symptom of the greater, growing gargantuan problem of a loss of civility as a society in our prosperous country. We are loosing our grip on civil behavior, civil dress, civil discussions and debate, civil listening skills and civil writing skills.
As an etiquette and manners teacher for the past decade with another decade in the retail bridal business, I have noticed a slow but steady relaxation of formality, and decline of civility in our society.
Teenagers up for college scholarships come to me to learn how to correctly manipulate their knife and fork. Families no longer eat together nightly at the dining room table or the kitchen table as each family member is on their own computer with dinner on their desks. Television producers pit 24 hour news anchors and talk show hosts against their guests, everyone interrupting each other and yelling over each other during debate for the purpose of the ratings dollar. Kids are being rushed in spacious SUV's to school soccer games on Sundays while texting shorthand on their own cell phones. Children are also being driven through the drive through for a kids meal which they eat with their fingers while they play with their computer games.
The "Golden Rule" in civilized societies continues to be: "He who has the most gold rules." As compared with the rest of the world, we have much "gold" in our lives in this wealthy, civilized country yet we are loosing our attention spans, loosing our pants to the ground, loosing our rhetoric and written commentary, loosing our family time to computers and TV, and lastly, our little charming, civil salutations to political correctness and the tremendous, stressed pace of the newest, latest and greatest technology, and for what reason?

p.s. As I am writing this letter, a Congresswoman and 18 other American citizens have been shot in Arizona....Now, we are loosing not only our civilities, but our souls...How as a nation shall we ever regain our dignity and civility?

12 Helpful Tips Towards A Happier Life

2011-01-05T06:10:00.000-08:00

From my book: Forget-Me-Not, Forget-Me-Never, Remember The Fun We Had Together

To Carrie: Never be flat, Never be sharp, And always be natural.

Your friend, Elsie Verick

December 29, 1905

The other day, I happened across a Blog about someones 52 biggest mistakes in life. The mistakes were mostly professional in nature. Interesting, but rambling and often repetitious. So, the following are 12 helpful, hopefully wise little tips towards a happier you for a new year!

What defines us is how we rise after falling.
If you do not fail at least three times in life, you are not trying hard enough.
All we can do is the best we can do every day. If you did not do so well today, go to bed and tomorrow will be another chance to do better for yourself. Accept or forgive yourself and move on!
Your job is not who you are, your job is what you do.
Do not let your salary define you.
If you are miserable in your current job, leave it, but be sure to have another job to go to and 6 months of expenses in a savings account. Nothing worse than dreading every day of the week or letting your boss beat on you every day. Life is too short and a job is just that, a job.
Some people are addicted to chaos and if they do not have chaos in their own lives, they will create chaos for themselves and those around them. These chaos lovers cannot function without chaos, and the chance to "fix" everything and feel needed or worthy. Just recognize who these people are, even if they are family members, and keep them at arms length, unless you enjoy chaos too.
Never make an important decision on emotion. Sleep on it. Listen to those little voices in your head. Try to think of the long term consequences of your decision.
If you never say anything negative, no one will be able to truthfully say you said something negative. Try to always think about what you say, and how, when and where you say things. p.s. - Sass will bite you in the a** every time!
Give angry people 3 minutes of your time, then remove yourself from the situation. If they are on the phone, put them on hold for 1 minute or say you must call them back and set a later time. If they are in person, find a reason to exit the conversation, or silently, physically remove yourself from the conversation by moving to the other side of the room. Allowing the person to vent for 3 minutes only, gives them enough time to vent and gives you an opportunity to hear what it is they have to say. No one ever for any reason needs to listen to more than three minutes of anger. Anything more than three minutes is an abusive tirade. Protect yourself and enough already!
We all have at least one, natural, God given talent. If you do not now what your talent is, ask a friend to tell you. For example: perfect pitch, perfect rhythm memory, perfect visual memory, math abilities, patience, kindness, listening skills, natural athlete, artistic abilities, great friend, giving person.
Pause, look and listen for life's little delights and miracles. They are instantaneous, small and silent. Birds on a fence, frost on the grass, flowers in a field, someone opening a door for you, a kind smile or 'Hello', a delicious dinner. Notice these small delights and take pleasure in these kindnesses from others and tiny miracles.

The only person you can control is yourself. Change is part of life. Take a breath and enjoy your day!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to All

2011-01-03T04:41:00.000-08:00

From my book: Forget-Me-Not, Forget-Me-Never, Remember The Fun We Had Together

To Dear Carrie,
I wish you health,
I wish you wealth,
I wish you a golden store.
I wish you Heaven after death,
...but can I wish you more.
Your Schoolmate,
Rose Ashner

For...get...me...not...in each corner of the original page.
Photo from New York City's Central Park, 1912

Have a Happy Christmas and Healthy New Year to all 5 of my followers! Thank you for reading and my goal this year is to post more columns for y'all to enjoy!

52 Buttons of Wisdom To Keep Warm For The Holidays

2010-11-29T07:17:00.000-08:00

Recently, I stumbled across a list of 52 mistakes. Well, I have certainly made 52 mistakes daily in my life and started my own list. However, my list morphed into buttons of hopeful and helpful tips. Buttons of wisdom, in no particular order. Button up to keep warm for the Winter!

What defines us is how well we rise after falling.
If you do not fail at least three times in life, you are not trying hard enough to succeed.
You can only do the best you can do every day, so stop trying to be what you consider to be "perfect."
The "P" word (Perfect) should be removed from the dictionary and our thinking. Perfect = Pressure.
Your job is what you do, not who you are.
Do not let your salary define you.
We all have a purpose in life. Some small, some large. Find yours.
We all have God given talents. Know yours. If you do not know, have a friend tell you what your talents are. Always remember your God given talents. They may benefit you in life, as they are especially yours and naturally easy for you specifically.
Change is part of life. Accept change and move onto the next challenging change.
Forgive yourself daily, or weekly or whenever you need to.
Some people are addicted to chaos and if they do not have it in their lives, they create it for themselves and those around them. Keep these people at arms length, even if they are family members. Chaos is not good for the soul, your health or well being. Chaos complicates your life and adds to your stress.
Give angry people in person and on the phone 3 minutes to vent, then remove yourself from the situation. This way, you have politely listened, therefore, are done with your obligation.
Sometimes saying nothing is saying something.
If a friend or family member criticizes you in public, do not reply. Just let their negative comment hang out there in the air and resonate with everyone else in the room.
Usually, the first person who speaks, looses.
Sass will bite you in the a** every time. Best to keep the sassy comment to yourself.
Miracles are small, instantaneous, silent. They happen in the blink of an eye, a New York second. 3 black crows squawking on a fence, the thought of a loved one popping into your head, a dragon fly at dusk. Relish the little things in life that bring us joy. Remember the tiny things.
If you had a rough day, did not do so well or behave well, have one glass of wine and go to bed. Get a good night of sleep and you will feel better tomorrow rested and relaxed.
By the time you write down a list, you can just do it!
Know that you can ALWAYS go back to school and learn a new skill. Having a marketable skill will protect you financially during tough times or periods of change. Whether your skill be for your primary job, a second job or hobby around the house, skilled workers are always in demand.
Clean hair beats a new dress any day.
Rely on your good brain always.
It is no longer 1952. You do not need to have the same job for 40 years.
Your first job does not have to be your last job. Never let anyone else make you feel bad about changing jobs.
Most people get fired from one job or another at one time or another for one reason or another. Do not let it get you down. The job just was not right for you. Learn from your experiences. Take an easy part time job until you find a full time job better suited for you.
Always having 6 months rent in the bank will be reassuring to you in times of crisis, change or loss.
Save 10% of everything you earn and are given. Put it in a savings account and tell NO ONE. You will be glad for your savings one day.
Throw your change in a jar or a drawer. Clean it out once or twice a year and spend your saved change on something nice for yourself and/or your family. Go out to dinner or on a weekend vacation or nice cultural day trip. Or use it for fun money on vacation.
Save up some cash by stashing small bills ($1, $5, $10) in purses, shoe boxes, under rugs, inside books,in pockets. Then you will have some cash when you need it for a surprise or an emergency.
If you are blue, volunteer!
Clean out your closet once a year and donate clothing and shoes you have not worn in 5 years.
Success breeds critics and enemies. Some silent, some outright. Chalk it up to envy and forget it.
Do not complain about your situation. Change your situation.
After the age of 25, no one wants to hear about all your problems. Everyone has their own problems and responsibilities by now. Find a productive or creative way to vent. Get a pet, therapist, minister or friend.
As a Host or Hostess for the holidays, you do have duties. Very easy to make a casserole and say "Casserole's in the oven, help yourself. Have a bowl of fruit in the fridge. Have a coffee cake on top of the fridge. Everyone can help themselves.
Have extra blankets, extra pillows and little fans in the linen closet. "White noise" from a fan is great and helps guests in a strange house sleep.
Have little night lights in your halls and bathrooms. Guests need to get to the restroom at night without falling down the stairs.
Have bananas, apples, oranges and pears in a bowl. Healthy snacks and everyone can help themselves.
Put an extension plug here and there so everyone can plug in their cell phones, game boys, i-pods, lap top computers, etc.
Put age appropriate books and movies in each guest room, or next to the couch, so your guests have something to do to relax at night.
Get coffee ready the night before and show early birds how to push the button. We have 2 coffee makers set up for early and late risers.
Try to always make the other person feel special. As a Host or Hostess, appease and please.
Remember what your Mother told you: Do do not discuss politics or religion in public.
To alleviate stress on you as Hostess, set your Thanksgiving/Christmas table the week before everyone arrives. Clean the silver, iron the napkins, set out the salt& pepper, serving pieces and serving bowls and platters. You will be glad you did!
If you clean your silver with silver polish after you wash it, and store it in a dark, dry, cool cabinet, it will keep until the next time you use it.
If someone insults you in public, even a family member in a room full of family, say nothing. Let the negative comment hang out there in the air. Hanging insults make the person who said it look bad and sound ugly. Too bad for them.
Give yourself 10 minutes per day on Facebook to answer messages, browse, then get off.
Give yourself, or your kids 1/2 hour per day to play on their i-pod, i-pad, i-phone, computer game, game boy, etc., then read for 1/2 hour.
Reading (anything and everything) helps us all realize that we are not alone in this world. We realize other people share the same problems: struggle, abuse, money issues, self-confidence, belonging, etc.
Sometimes it is best to pause, look and listen.
Treat yourself to something nice every day: One small bite of candy, one chapter in a good book, a 10 minute walk, a short phone call or e-mail to a friend, a hot bath. Take care to take care of yourself.
You can only control your own behavior. Stop trying to control others' behavior.

Button up and stay warm!

Happy Thanksgiving To All

2010-11-29T07:02:00.000-08:00

From my book: "Forget-Me-Not, Forget-Me-Never, Remember The Fun We Had Together."

To Dear Carie:
I wish you health,
I wish you wealth,
I wish you a golden store,
I wish you heaven after death,
... That I can wish you more.
Your schoolmate
Rosa Ashner

A belated Happy Thanksgiving. Hope everyone had some family and/or friends around to celebrate with and some time off from work. We have lots to be thankful for and life is good!

Re-gifting - Please, Just Say No !!

2010-11-20T09:01:00.000-08:00

Who wants to receive a gift someone else does not want? Re-gifting is a relatively new talked about trend with twenty and thirty-somethings. It must have grown out of our Reality Show and Red Carpet culture of excess and greed of late. Re-gifting is dishonest, lazy, heartless and the gift never seems to be quite right, n'est-ce pas? Yet, everyone is re-gifting and talking about doing it!
Recipients are smart, sophisticated and can smell subterfuge. If ever found out, and the truth always comes out, re-gifting can ruin a friendship and familial ties, not to mention your bosses opinion of you.
Worn boxes and old tape. A calling card hidden in the old tissue paper from the last time the unwanted gift was recycled. A numbered tag left on a wedding present from the last organizational bridal gift kit. A custom made, hand needle pointed purse left on a closet door re-gifted from a different cousin with the well known dog's name and dog's likeness in the design of the purse discovered by the original gift giver during a random house tour. The horror stories go on and on, and are stories of woe from intelligent, professional people who think they can beat the system and somehow fool all of the people all of the time.
Gifts, by tradition, are NOT obligatory. They are by nature given freely from the heart in good conscience without expecting anything in return. Giving someone else a gift you do not want with a big smile on your face signifies to those in the know, or those who will find out, that you do not care enough about the recipient to put any time or thought (never mind money) into a present for them.
Gift giving should be from the heart, so have a heart! If you are short on cash money, make a hand made card and bake something yummy to signify your care and love.
Celebrate what is actually important in life: friends and family. Give your unwanted gifts to charity and the truly needy.

Re-gifting...just say NO !!

Lemons, Dishwashers and Pitting

2010-10-25T16:13:00.000-07:00

Did you know:

One does not have to squeeze the lemon when one orders iced tea or any other drink that has either a lemon or lime on the rim of the glass. Just plunk the citrus into your beverage and it will dissipate and disperse into the liquid. No squeezing or citrus in your eye!
Lemon detergent is for pots and pans only. Lemon is acidic and will, over time, eat the glaze off of your china and crystal, especially fine china and crystal with a gold rim.
Washing sterling silver flatware in the dishwasher is fine as long as you do not mix it with stainless flatware or stainless pots and pans. It is a metallurgy thing. Silver and stainless as metals do not like each other and the stainless will pit out your sterling.
Mixing sterling with stainless will force the base metal to come through the sterling. Then, you will be stuck rubbing the sterling with jewelers rouge to get rid of all those little black spots on your sterling called pitting.
To get any pit out of sterling, drop lighter fluid onto the rouge and wipe the rouge stick with a soft cloth. Then rubbing always in the same direction, rub the cloth onto the sterling. Never rub in circles. With much elbow grease, the pit will eventually disappear.
NEVER use jewelers rouge on silver plate. It will remove the plate. Sterling is usually 92.5 parts silver, while silver plate has only 10 microns of silver on top of the base metal. Antique silver has a heavy base metal of usually copper or nickel. New silver plate now has a light base metal of tin.
Shocking fact: Yes! You may wash your antique china and antique crystal in the dishwasher. The following are a few rules you must follow for fine china and every day kitchen china, fine crystal and everyday glassware:

Never use lemon detergent on anything other than your pots and pans. Use plain detergent only. It is hard to find in the supermarket, but look for it!
Use only 1 teaspoon of the granular, plain detergent. Do not use those detergent tabs, they are contain a separate chemical "Jet dry" substance and are inconsistent and uneven.
Never use the heat cycle. It is too hot and the heat is bad for your porous china and will weaken it over time. It also will actually melt any gold rims.
Always use the "Air Dry" cycle.
Always use the "Gentle" cycle.
Load and unload your china and crystal evenly and nicely. Space is the place. Do no jam or overload your dishwasher. If you have to run more than a few loads, do so. Items often shift in cycle. Avoid breakage.

Be kind to your fine china, crystal and silverware and it will last a few lifetimes!

True Prep Book Review - "n/a" Not Applicable

2010-10-23T08:32:00.000-07:00

To be a "True Prep" or not to be... this is neither the question nor the answer. As a matter of fact, Prep is "n/a", no longer applicable. Society is a smaller place as we have grown into an international world, not a "New Old World." This hardback novel is just not as novel as the first trade paperback.

Of course, original preps still have a few L.L. Bean pieces in their wardrobes, the pearls, whale cords in the closet and the "Wellies," but since the first book 25 years ago, good fashion has evolved into haute couture designers at a deep discount with new stores like H&M and Target carrying this classic fashion. Faux and discounted Armani, Chanel, Heremes and Louis Vuitton are all now available on the Internet.

Dotted with buttons of wisdom by Edith Wharton throughout the book, Lisa Birnbach gave the impression she just wants to be THE "Etiquette Lady." She also gave the impression in her video that only preppies know their etiquette, thus, are the only group of persons with manners. To my students, I always say "One does not have to have money to have manners."

Regarding the vantage point for her information collected for this book, it took Ms. Birnbach until page 72 to mention the South. She spoke cleaverly about FFV's (First Families of Virginia) and King James I, but then she proclaimed Middleburg, Virginia, as the mecca of the Southern "gay horsie crowd." Pardon me? She thinks Middleburg is the South? Also, because it is a different world, 25 years later, in trying to be all inclusive and all politically correct, Lisa Birnbach comes across as all proliferating stereotypes.

Ms. Birnbach did mention Hamden-Sydney College as "The Preppiest college in the United States." Her travel tip section and frugal "Do's and Don'ts" were funny, as were the few tried and true photos with maps and descriptions of why, what and how things are in the preppie world. Nice to know sometimes, some things never change. However, the catalogue of her "Prep Pantheon," was something out of 1952 and the people were 99 percent North Easterners.

In 2010, the "True Prep" lifestyle of the private boarding school, Junior year of High School in Switzerland, college with the Junior year abroad, then a societal debut at the exclusive country club no longer posesses the same 'Tra la la' allure it once posessed. "True Prep" neither guarantees happiness in life nor success in the real world.

Silver Spoons, Champagne and Patina

2010-10-09T19:50:00.000-07:00

Born with a sterling silver spoon in your mouth? Have any sterling silver spoons in your sideboard from your wedding or inherited from your grandmother? The following are tips to help you maintain your sterling silver and other uses for spoons!

Placing a sterling silver spoon in your mouth while chopping an onion will alleviate the stinging and tears from your eyes.
Placing any spoon (sterling or stainless) into a cold open champagne bottle will keep the bubbles from evaporating, and keeps your champagne fresh!
Sterling silver ONLY (never silver plate) cleaned with jewelers' rouge and lighter fluid resists tarnish and finger-marks longer than any other method. Be sure to lightly rub the cloth in the same linear direction. Never rub in circles. Do not EVER clean silver plate using this method as it will remove the silver plate.
Silver wrapped in linen, then in newspaper kept in a clean, dry, cool cabinet will keep well.
Salt will quickly tarnish silver. For salt stains, rub sterling silver with damp salt.
Lemon and seafood will also quickly tarnish silver.
One may wash sterling silver in the dishwasher if a few rules are obeyed. Only use plain detergent and only use one teaspoon of detergent. Never use lemon detergent with sterling silver as the acid from the lemon will tarnish and may pit out the sterling silver. Do not place antique sterling silver knives made before about 1880 in the dishwasher as they may have plaster inside the sterling handles, thus may explode in the dishwasher. Always test one knife first before washing all other knives just in case!
Lemon detergent is bad for china and crystal as well. It removes the clear glaze over time. Lemon detergent is great for pots and pans only!
Do not place sterling silver in the same dish cycle with stainless. The two metals do not like each other and you risk pitting out the sterling silver.
Use the dishwasher's "Gentle" cycle and "Air Dry" cycle only. NEVER use the "Heat" cycle. It is too hot and is bad for your sterling flat silver, fine china and crystal too.
A little olive oil rubbed over silver before it is put away will prevent it from becoming tarnished. When ready for use, wash it warm soapy water and dry thoroughly.
Use your sterling every day, wash it in the dishwasher and you will only have to clean it about once a year!
Tarnished silver can be quickly cleaned with a cloth sprinkled with bicarbonate of soda.
Purists (like myself) adore sterling with its Patina giving it a luster found only with age. Buffing off the Patina will not only remove its Patina but will remove valuable microns of silver.

Enjoy your old sterling silver...like new!

The Tintinnabulation of Telling The Truth

2010-09-20T19:55:00.001-07:00

Can't you just hear the sound of your Mother's voice ringing in your ears to: "Tell the truth." As a child and young person, this practice is preferable as you are under your parents' care and roof.

As a young person, you may see your Mother smile and hear her say hello and continue polite small talk with a woman at the supermarket you know she dislikes. Your Mother tells you this is OK as she does not want to hurt this woman's feelings or have this woman realize she is not liked. You also notice your Uncle Chester says he feels fine when you know he has been sick lately. Your Mother tells you this is OK too as Uncle Chester does not want anyone to know he has been feeling poorly.

Then, you grow up. So, then what? OK, lets recap: Tell the truth but never make anyone else feel bad, embarrass them or let them know your true feelings if it will hurt their feelings. Wait a minute, what about the truth? What happened to telling the truth? Truly, what is the truth?

To help you decipher the truth here are some famous and not so famous quotes:

"If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything." - Mark Twain
You never find yourself until you face the truth." - Pearl Bailey
Unthinking respect for authority is the greatest enemy of truth." - Albert Einstein
The truth is rarely pure and never simple." - Oscar Wilde
"The truth shall make you free." - Jesus, The Bible, John 8:32
"Love truth, and pardon error." - Voltaire
"I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not." - Kurt Cobain
"To thine own self be true." - Shakespeare
"Half of a comment spoken in jest is thought to be a truth by the speaker." - unknown
"Telling the truth does not make it the right answer."- Katherine Barrett Baker

So, be true to yourself without making anyone else feel bad. It is the greatest balancing act ever and forever on end. If you can accomplish this feat every day, you will probably become a diplomat. What is the definition of a diplomat? One of the definitions of a diplomat is: "Doing nothing and saying nothing nicely." Ruugh Roough...here we go again!

Remember, Friends & Family Are Forever

2010-09-12T11:05:00.000-07:00

In Remembrance of September 11, 2001. Never Forget, friends and family are forever.

11 Life Rules For Teenagers (And Some Adults)

2010-09-08T19:10:00.000-07:00

Last night I read: "11 rules your kids did not and will not learn in school" from a speech by Bill Gates. I liked it so much, I am going to incorporate it into our curriculum and thought I'd reproduce it here as follows:

Life is not fair - get used to it.
The world doesn't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
You will not make $60,000 a year right out of High School. You won't be a Vice-President with a car phone until you earn both.
If you think your teacher is tough, wait until you get a boss.
Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.
If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parents generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
Life is not divided into semesters . You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.
Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

The following are our updated interpretation of the "11 Life Rules" from The Sabot School of Etiquette:

Life is not fair. Acknowledge this fact, and move on.
The professional working world does not care about your self-esteem. You will be expected to perform and produce at work every day regardless of your self-esteem or health.
Chances are you will not make $150,000.00 per year EVER with only a High School degree. Acquiring a marketable skill in today's professional working world is paramount before you will ever earn a vice-presidency, have three cell phones, or a designer car.
If you think your teacher is tough, just wait until you get a boss. The boss is not your friend and does not have your best interest at heart. The boss thinks you want his/her job. The boss can be jealous of you, especially if you are a competent and hard worker. The boss has all the power.
Flipping burgers or mucking out horse stalls is not beneath your dignity. Your Great-Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping and mucking: they called it opportunity and an honest day of work.
If you make mistakes, and make no mistake about it, you will make mistakes, DO NOT whine about it at work or to your friends or family. NO ONE out of school or over the age of about 21 wants to hear about all of your problems. They have their own problems. Learn from your mistakes. Try not to make the same mistakes twice. Change your behavior to change the outcome.
Before you came along, your parents were young, just like you are now. You may think they are boring and clueless, however, they have been responsible for your food, room & board, doctor bills, social activities, laundry AND they have been listening to your guff for more than a decade. So, before you worry about saving the planet from the wrath of generations before you, first try cleaning out your closet in your own room.
Your school may give every member of the sports team a trophy and give you a second and a third chance at passing an exam, but this practice has nothing to do with life outside of school. You may glide through school not paying much attention to anything and this is fine for school, but once out of school, there is no gliding through life. You cannot glide through paying the rent or mortgage, your job, your marriage, or raising children. In the real world, there are few second chances at anything (for example: first impressions, job interviews, first dates, deadlines, etc.).
Life is not school. You do not get summers off from life to go "find yourself." Do that on your own precious time off IF you get any time off. Better still to have found yourself while still in school.
Television and movies are NOT real life. There is no Red Carpet, (and even if you do end up on a Red Carpet, no one will take your picture).* In real life, people have to leave the coffee shop and go back to work.
Leaders always make others feel special. It ends up being a VERY small world. Be nice to everyone, and especially nerds. You may most likely end up working for one or married to one. Also, you can always tell where someone has been and where someone is going by how they treat the waiter, the taxi driver, their stock broker and their margin clerk, the clerk at the courthouse, the clerk at the retail store and the cashier at the fast food place. Just ask Martha Stewart. **

* While working for a designer in New York, I found myself exiting a limousine, and walking a red carpet in a Haute Couture designer dress, but it never occurred to me the carpet was a "Red Carpet" as my presence was work related. Years later, thinking about it, I remembered the carpet was indeed red, the photographers were waiting but no one took my picture.

** According to quite a few sources in New York, Martha Stewart was rude and mean to EVERYONE. So, when she allegedly broke the law, the powers at be and the underlings around her delighted themselves in making an example out of her. They told what she did, convicted her and sent her to jail.

Cayuga Lake Girls Celebrate The End Of Summer, 1905

2010-09-05T20:05:00.000-07:00

From my book: "Forget-Me-Not, Forget-Me-Never, Remember The Fun We Had Together"

Since the year 1905,

There's been on Cayuga shores,

A jolly bunch of happy girls,

Who are able to use the oars,

The object is to have some fun,

In the very best kind of way,

From early morn 'till setting sun,

They dance the livelong day !

Happy Labor Day!

Napkin Etiquette - Going To A Labor Day BBQ Over The Holiday?

2010-09-02T09:17:00.000-07:00

Ever been to a BBQ or Crab Picking at the beach or river where the paper napkins are all covered in butter and sauce and all balled up in a big mess? Then to add insult to injury, gross out icky napkins all balled up placed on the picnic tables while the rest of us are still eating. Yuck!

Yes, BBQ and Crab Pickings are messy, but do you have to be a gooey mess too? No. It takes a bit of labor, but try to treat your paper napkin like a cloth napkin. Use a few napkins and fold them like a cloth napkin. Do not ball them up then place them on top of your paper plate or on top of the table while others are still eating.

If you have made a mess, clean it up, pick it up, then get up from the table and throw away your napkins and plate. You might even ask if anyone wants another iced tea! Return to the table to finish your tea and chat! The persons whom are still eating will appreciate your effort and will enjoy their meal more.

Merci beaucoup! Enjoy the Labor Day Holiday!

20 Years of 20 Questins: Top 10 Dating Tips For Gals

2010-09-01T20:18:00.000-07:00

Perusing the SATC2 Website the other day, psychologist and author Pamela Diane King has posted excerpts from her e-book:"10 Dating Lessons From SATC" (the series) and they are as follows:

Stalking is not sexy.

Technology is not your friend.

Throw away your "Perfect Man" list.

Drama does not equal passion.

Taking a "break" is "guy code" for a break up.

Know when to let go.

Love can be an addiction.

Taking a vacation is the best break up remedy.

Love is a roller coaster.

The most important relationship you have is with yourself.

After 20 years of 20 questions myself, I thought I would reply to her top ten and post my version:

If you are "stalking" someone else, whether in cyberspace or in person, you need to step back, acknowledge your own OCD behavior and move on. Join a gym, a choir at church, take a night class or any other activity to get out more. If someone else is stalking you or sleeping on your doorstep, you need to call the cops and form a working relationship with a police detective.

A beau may forgive you for what you have said but you can NEVER unwrite what has been written. Paper letters can be kept and may be shown around, but any negative comment or breaking up with a beau on the Internet sites like Facebook or an E-mail is seen by all and can be sent to everyone instantly, including future employers. Public writing is absolutely powerful and can corrupt absolutely and forever more.

The word 'Perfect" is unattainable, unrealistic in every sense and should be stricken from the dictionary. The boundaries and behaviors of love include acceptance, forgiveness and what is a 'deal breaker' in your book.

Drama, drama, drama. Drama should be left up on center stage. Some people are addicted to drama and chaos. Manic behavior and chaos are their best friend. They don't know how to live without it and if they do not have it in their lives constantly, they will create it for themselves (and you). This dramatic behavior is also called manic/depressive or bi-polar disorder. All I can say is: RUN. Don't look back. Don't have any regrets, ever. You are much better getting OFF this particular roller coaster.

If your beau ever asks you for a "break" from your relationship, you "man up" and break up with him right then and there. What a wuss. Plenty of guys out there. Date a MAN.

Know what your "deal breakers" are and stick to them to protect yourself. Sometimes guys behave badly so you will break up with them so they do not have to break up with you. Pay attention to these behaviors. Know when enough is enough.

Being in love should not be an addiction. The novelty and newness of falling in love can be an addiction. For example: Elizabeth Taylor, Zsa Zsa Gabor, Mickey Rooney.

Vacations are great but not by yourself or when you are feeling blue. Put half of your vacation money in a savings account for yourself, grieve, then when feeling better, treat yourself to a nice lunch somewhere lovely, go shopping and spend half the money on a classic, beautiful accessory you will keep for the rest of your life. For example: a designer purse or scarf, a leather wallet, a well fitting quality leather skirt, pants, boots or belt. A mink scarf or hat. A pair of pearl earrings. Breaking up is a bit like a death. Be kind to yourself every day and treat yourself to little things like a long bath or walk or good book or movie, for a while until you feel better.

Dating is a roller coaster. Love should not be a roller coaster. Love is hard work, kindness, forgiveness, patience and compromise.

The most important relationship you will ever have IS with yourself. If you do not like yourself and hide from yourself, you will not be happy and no one else will be happy with you either. Why should they be?

Be good to yourself, know your own top 10 tips and enjoy dating!

How Many Habitual Electronic Friends Do You Have and How Much Stress Is In Your Home?

2010-08-29T21:44:00.000-07:00

How many TVs, computers, I-Pods, I-Pads, X-Boxes, Guitar Heros, Guitar Bands, DVD players, CD players, Stereos, Radios and Weather Radios do you have in your home? How many of each are on simultaneously and all the time?

How many times per week, on average, does your family eat at the table? Any table. Dining room table, Kitchen table, Coffee table or TV trays in the Family room?

Here's how to take the stress out of your home and simplify your family life quickly. Turn all the previously mentioned gadgets OFF. Sit at the table and all eat dinner. Each person take an uninterrupted turn at talking about the favorite moment of your day. It does not really matter what y'all talk about, as long as it is relatively positive and y'all are all together.

After dinner, everyone go on a walk outside. If it is raining or freezing outside, go into a different room and all eat dessert together. If y'all do not eat sweets, have some decaffeinated coffee, fruit and cheese.

After dessert, meet in the den or living room and play cards, a game, or do a puzzle together and pick one person to read aloud from a book to everyone. Any book, but preferably one of the classics that is fitting and age appropriate. Charles Dickens, Emily Dickinson, Keats, Shakespeare, Art, Art History, any History, any Biography.

Reading is freeing. Reading tells us that others have similar or the same daily struggles no matter how hard or particular our own struggles may seem.

Getting fed up with life sometimes and our own common struggles is easy. Turning OFF our electronic companions may be hard especially when they are always on and there are so many of these habitual "friends" around.

So, TURN ALL ELECTRONICS OFF and be with yourself or your family quietly and be rid of the electronic distractions and stress!

Eye Contact Etiquette Tips - Pause, Look and Listen

2010-08-26T17:03:00.000-07:00

The eyes ...little mirrors to the soul...les yeux. Do you have problems with eye contact? Are you shy? Sometimes timid? What about traveling to foreign countries? What are their social and business customs regarding eye contact?

The following are a few tips to help you look others straight in the eyes when needed for introductions and business meetings:

The next time you have an introduction, try looking at the spot right in between the other person's eyebrows.
Americans believe clear, strong eye contact is important during conversation. Direct eye contact is a silent signal signifying attention and honesty. Averting eye contact or looking away during conversation implies dishonesty or lack of interest and it is considered to be distracting or rude to the person whom is speaking.
The British do make eye contact but at an angle rather than directly.
In many Latin countries direct eye contact is considered to be an aggressive gesture.
In many Asian countries, children when bad, are punished by either parent staring at them for extended periods of time.
In South Korea, making eye contact is important in business. It shows sincerity and forms a subtle, but significant bond between individuals.
In Thailand, eye contact is used to facilitate a need. For example, to summon a waiter, all you must do is to catch their eye, and raise your eyebrows to get immediate service.
Middle Easterners look long and deeply into each person's eyes to search their souls and determine from the dilation of the pupils the other person's interest.

So, for your next introduction, pause, look and listen!

Greetings and Pucker Up!

2010-08-23T22:35:00.000-07:00

Greetings all!!

Where I live out in the country, kisses and the fields are not fancy, kisses are quick like chickens and the fields are filled with horses. The social set out here kisses once and mostly on the side of the cheek. Sometimes there is a quick hug as we are a small community. Guys or gals, married or not, kisses are all fairly fast and a generic chicken peck.

In some chic US cities, such as Palm Beach, New York, San Francisco, Chicago and Los Angeles, social sets do the double air kiss on each cheek like in France, Spain, Italy, Portugal, and most other Mediterranean countries. Again, gals or guys, married or not, it is all two quick and harmless set of pecks.

In Latino countries, kisses are seen as well as the abrazo ; friends hug and pat each other on the back.

In the Middle East, men may air kiss on both cheeks and even hug, and women may air kiss also on both cheeks, but never with the opposite sex. Opposite sexes never touch each other, ever. Not even a hand shake. Orthodox Jews also avoid all body contact with opposite sexes.

In Asia, body contact is avoided always, and eye contact should be brief. Americans, best to keep your hands down at your sides, nod your head and say "Hello." Some Asian business people have adapted to the Western handshake, but best to wait for their cues.

Persons from India and some in Buddhist Asia use the namaste gesture, (palms together under the chin then a slight nod of the head), for greetings and goodbyes as a sign of respect.

xoxo!

International Handshaking Hints

2010-08-17T08:07:00.000-07:00

Traveling on vacation a bit more this summer for the Labor Day holiday? Junior year in College abroad? Business meetings overseas? Take a minute to read a few tips on international handshaking:

USA: Firm, solid grip with 2-3 strokes
France: Light grip and 1 brisk stroke
Germany: Firm grip and 1 stroke
Latin Cultures: Light grip and linger 2x as long as USA handshake
Middle East: Limp and lingering grip only. Never a stroke.
Russia: Firm grip and 1 stroke
Japan: Light grip, 3-4 gentle strokes
Australia: Firm grip and 2 strokes

Travel safely and smart. Enjoy!

Key To The Place Setting Universe

2010-08-13T05:22:00.000-07:00

The key to the place setting universe is:

Work Your Way From The Outside, In

Simple, really!

Life does not have to be complicated and you do not have to be intimidated!

Finger Bowl Follies, Foibles and Faux-Pas...Who Cares?

2010-08-09T13:09:00.000-07:00

Old and high fashioned, out of date, too formal and fancy, stuffy Victorian accoutrement! When in the world would one ever see, much less use a finger bowl? Who cares? I'll tell you who cares: Those In The Know.

Yes. I have at my finger tips an entire plethora of finger biting, finger bowl faux-pas stories involving very well educated, very well paid professionals, and high society players .

One story involves one lawyer at his own Junior Partner dinner celebration. Beautifully educated at a private school, a prestigious university and a paramount law school, he drank his finger bowl in front of his peers and Senior Partners. Not wanting to embarrass him then, Those In The Know quietly drank their finger bowls as well. The perennial problem began Monday morning around the water cooler when this Junior Partner's reputation became company folklore, forever pegging him as "the dude who drank his finger bowl." Those in the Know thought to themselves: "If he missed the finger bowl etiquette, what else did he miss?" The story of this finger bowl faux-pas also permeated company walls and got around town. Needless to say, this lawyer has never made Senior Partner. Who cares? You should!

Maybe you will only see one finger bowl in your entire lifetime, at an important company dinner, or paramount social gathering, or on your Honeymoon. I guarantee, you will want to know how to recognize the finger bowl, its variations, and how to manipulate your finger bowl. You do not want to embarrass yourself at what will likely be a most important night in your professional or personal life.

Alright, so maybe you know enough not to drink it because it may have one half slice of lemon, lime or a sprig of a green garnish in it, and you know how to use it, but do you know enough about what to do with a doily or where to place your finger bowl when done, or what to do when the finger bowl is served on top of a dessert plate instead of its own stand? What if it is also served with a dessert fork and dessert spoon? What to do?

The following are a few tips to help avoid fumbling with your finger bowl:

When using your finger bowl, daintily dab the tips of your fingers, one hand at a time, into the warm water, then slowly place each hand in your napkin to dry.

Sometimes, finger bowls are served with their own "stands" (plate), which makes for easy manipulation.

Lift the entire bowl and stand with BOTH hands and place it to the upper left of your plate when done.

Sometimes, finger bowls are served with a paper or lace & linen doily on top of the dessert plate.

Sometimes, the dessert fork and dessert spoon also are placed on top of the doily on top of the dessert plate.

First, "place" your dessert fork and spoon onto your place setting in front of you at the table. The dessert fork is placed to the left and your dessert spoon to the right of your dessert plate.
Second, use the finger bowl.
Third, when done with the finger bowl, be sure to remove the doily AND bowl with BOTH hands and place it to the upper left of your dessert plate. This way, the waiter can place your dessert onto your dessert plate directly, and does not have to place your silverware for you, or move your doily out of the way.

Always use both hands when moving the finger bowl, no matter how small. Yes, I have many stories about spilled finger bowls all over the table after one has had one's hands in the water...yuck!

Yes, I also have a story about a wealthy male suitor during the 1950's at THE fancy lunch of the intended fiance's Victorian parents. The wealthy suitor certainly knew what a finger bowl was, but did not know to remove the lovely linen doily on top of his dessert plate. The butler stood at his side with dessert in hand in silence for a minute until the suitor finally figured out he needed to also remove his doily....then the thought of what to do with the lovely linen doily flashed through his head as the finger bowl has already been placed. Doily dilemma! The wealthy suitor finally placed the doily quickly in his lap, thanked the butler, tasted the chocolate dessert, then quickly complimented the host and hostess, his future In-Laws. They must have liked him very much. Doily disaster dashed! Phew!

Yes, who cares about the Victorians or the 1950's? Who cares about removing your doily or placing your dessert spoon yourself ? Who cares about the etiquette of finger bowls? Those In The Know care!

Calling Card Usage In The Military, In Diplomatic Circles, With Butlers & On Sterling Salvers

2010-08-05T10:43:00.000-07:00

Y'all have all seen the old movies as the butler in formal dress stiffly walks into the library and presents the gentleman or lady of the house with a calling card on a tiny silver tray.

Possibly you have received a wedding gift or flowers with a calling card inside and the formal name of the gift giver has one fine pen line through it and the informal name written below. The sender traditionally writes in pencil if the gift is delivered in person, and fine pen if the gift is mailed or delivered by messenger.

Maybe you have also seen these calling cards attached to the flowers on top of the coffin of an international figure in death, such as Princess Diana.

Calling cards serve other purposes in addition to merely a call. Most often today, we see them enclosed inside wedding presents, flowers, birthday and anniversary gifts, graduation gifts and condolences. Did you also know Calling cards may be sent with letters of introduction and may be sent with acceptances or regrets for informal (but never formal) social events.

Brief messages may be written on calling cards. For example, most often, one sees a message such as: "For a lifetime of happiness" or "Best Wishes" written on a calling card for a wedding. Messages written on calling cards are also still traditionally used in military and diplomatic circles to convey the appropriate message in French.

Most High School Seniors order their first box of calling cards and send them out with their graduation announcements.

A "salver" is a small tray on which calling cards, letters, cards or refreshments are placed for handing to people. Most often today, salvers are seen at auction houses or antique stores, and are usually sterling silver, nickle silver or another metal. The salver may have the family crest or monogram engraved on the face of the tray.

The following list are abbreviations used to convey traditional messages in French:

p.p. (pour presenter) - To present, to introduce. Used only on the card of a senior officer accompanying the card of the subordinate.
p.f. (pour feliciter) - To congratulate. Used for national holidays and other special occasions.
p.c. (pour condoler) - To condole. To express sympathy. Used at the death of a national figure.
p.r. (pour remercier) - To thank. Thanks for a gift, courtesy received, a congratulations. Can also be sent in response to "p.f." and "p.c." messages.
p.p.c. (pour prendre conge) - To say good-bye or take leave. Indicates one is leaving town.
p.f.n.a. (pour faire nouvel an) - Happy New Year. To extend greetings at the new year.
p.m. (pour memoire) - To remind.

If the corner of the calling card is turned in, this indicates the following:

Upper Left-hand corner - A Visit.
Upper Right-hand corner - A Congratulations.
Lower Left-hand corner - Taking leave.
Lower Right-hand corner - A Condolence.

Voila! Now you are one of those in the know.

Service a la Francaise, a la Russe & a l'Anglaise, and Service American Style

2010-08-04T06:46:00.000-07:00

With daily life as casual as it is today, it still helps to know the Forms Of Service you may encounter at a wedding, company function, family celebration, Christmas party, vacation, or maybe you will one day get an invitation to the White House!

The following are 4 Forms Of Service to be aware of and familiar with for formal occasions:

Service a la Francaise: the server presents the arranged platter to the female guests first, from the left. After all the ladies have served themselves from the platter, the server moves to serve all the gentlemen also from the left, and they serve themselves from the platter. Service a la Francaise is considered to be the most formal of all services, and is customary at formal dinners in Europe and in America.
Service a la Anglaise: the server presents the platter from the left to the guest and serves the guest. Ladies first, of course. Service a l'anglaise is used for banquets because the server controls the portions and can limit the portions served to the guest.
Service a la Russe: The famous chef, Urban DuBois, popularized this service back in the 1860's. Originally, the chef decorated each dish on a fancy platter and a line of servers each with a platter in their arms up above their heads parade around the Dining Room table, showing the guests their creations, then return into the kitchen to carve the meat, fish, poultry, game or other dishes. Then, they return to the table to serve the dish to the guests, ladies first, of course. Today, this service is commonly used in upscale restaurants worldwide. Service a la Russe includes a small serving table, called a gueridon (pedestal table), equipped with a side burner, or rechaud (portable stove). The server rolls the gueridon to the table, cooks and carves the dish and serves the guests. Ladies first again, of course.
Service American Style: The server places the food directly onto the plate of the guest either at the table, or in a buffet line. This service has the advantage of being fast and uncomplicated. It does not require professional service.

So, now you know! Pay attention the next time you are out and about and try to guess which Form Of Service you receive!

Dine Like A Diplomat: Sending Silent Signals With Silverware and Napkins

2010-08-03T07:09:00.000-07:00

Did you know when dining, you may send the wait staff silent signals regarding the progress of your meal.

Silent signals include placing your silverware in the "I am resting" and "I am finished" positions.

When dining Continental style, and resting, place your silverware in an upside down "V" position with the tips of your knife and fork in the center of the plate and the handles in the 40/20 position, (like a clock). When dining American Style and resting, place your knife on the right top edge of your plate and the fork in the center of your plate in the 10/20 position, (like a clock). When dining Asian Style, place your chopsticks on the chopstick rest.

When finished with the meal and dining Continental Style, or American Style, place your knife above your fork, blade always toward you, in the center of the plate in the 10/20 position, (like a clock). Dining in the Continental Style, your fork tines will be facing down toward the plate. Dining in the American Style, your tines will be facing up. When dining in Asian style and finished, place your chopsticks also in the center of your plate in the 10/20 position.

Be sure to always have the blade of the knife facing you. Never have the blade of the knife facing anyone else and never point your chopsticks at anyone. Dangerous and considered in the Asian culture to be bad luck.

When leaving the table briefly, a silent signal may also be sent to the wait staff with your napkin by placing your napkin on your chair signaling to the waiter "I will return, do not remove my plate."

Now, all you may have to worry about is the wait staff knowing the correct silent signals!

7 Helpful Household Tips - Onions, Celery, Lemons and Potatoes

2010-07-14T13:51:00.000-07:00

The following are cleaver tips for the home using everyday produce and products:

To Remove Onion Smell From Your Hands: rub your hands with celery. Ta da!

To Remove Seafood Smell From Your Hands: rub your hands with lemon. Voila!

To Restore a worn Emery board, try putting it in a warm oven for a few minutes. This process will dry it right out and crisp it up! Wahoo!

To stop hiccoughs, take a lump of sugar saturated in vinegar or swallow 2 teaspoons of sugar. Hic!

To prevent grease from sputtering when frying bacon, or other meats and fish, place a piece of bread in the frying pan. The bread will prevent the grease from splattering you and will make stove top clean up easier and faster. Yeah!

For drawers that squeak or rub because the fit is not quite right or tight, rub a bar of soap on the rungs and along the upper edges of the drawer. The drawers will now run smoothly and the soap will help prevent moths.

All vegetables grown above ground should be boiled with the lid off the saucepan and all vegetables grown below ground, with the lid on.

Try these tips and enjoy!

LTTE Regarding T & C Social Graces: "Watch Your Back"

2010-07-09T09:43:00.000-07:00

Dear Etiquette Editor:
In the 1960's, my family and I were Yankee transplants into a unique old Southern society of First Families of Virginia who trace their roots back 13 generations to Robert (King) Carter, Mary Randolph and are all cousins.
I was unfairly and relentlessly picked on, badgered and bullied at an Episcopalian girl's school for no other reason than our family did not fit the mold.
We say we teach tolerance but do we practice it daily? Some watch mean Reality TV and laugh at others' follies. With 24 hour Cable news, we learn, from the producers who want ratings, it is an 'either/or' world. We also learn that if one yells over the other person, one wins the conversation, but maybe not the debate as the talking head always cuts to a "hard break."
Technically, we are connected globally yet we remain an ethnocentric society. The #1 rule I teach is: "Leaders always make others feel special." Watch the old black & white movies. Read older books. The "Greatest Generation" went to great lengths to never embarrass another person. They were at the very least civil to each other in public.
With changing times comes good and bad consequences. Different consequences. Because of our more crowded and more dangerous world we live in today, children must have supervised activities. They all have cell phones. They are savvy in ways we parents never were, yet, they are still kids. Parents need to be present and proactive when it comes to their children. Proactive while promoting polite behavior and self-sufficiency.
I was in my 40's before I figured out life on the social fringe rather than inside the social fishbowl was much more fun and fulfilling. Hopefully, each child today will move on from the bullying and learn as they grow to find their own mold. Tomato aspic or green Jell-O?

Are You a Good House Guest? Did You Do Your Duties?

2010-07-06T14:31:00.000-07:00

Do you think you were a great house guest this past July 4th weekend? Did you just sit around and let your hosts wait on you hand and foot? Do you think you will be invited back next year? Did you know that guests have duties? The following is a full proof check list of tips to insure another invitation next year:

Always give a thoughtful, well thought out gift. Make the time to pick out a gift that reflects your host. Some ideas are: liquor or wine, a set of summer drink glasses, a festive serving tray, homemade banana bread for breakfast, antique linen hand towels for the guest bathroom, coffee, a coffee table book all can enjoy, homemade cake or pie for dessert or a few of these gifts! You can also treat the hosts to dinner out at a local restaurant of their choosing.

Never give a "re-gift." Re-gifting is risky for many reasons. These gifts are never quite right because re-gifting is dishonest. The recipient can always spot a re-gift and a re-gift conveys to the recipient that you did not want to make the time to pick out something special.

Always make your bed. Keep your room neat. No one wants to have the house guest who lives like a pig.

Don't offer, just take your plate and others' to the sink after a meal and start doing the dishes.

Do be considerate about your house habits. Mind your feet on furniture, late night antics, early morning noise, texting, TV clicker hogging, etc.

If you are of age, Do Not drink too much. No one wants to be around a drunk house guest who will then be hungover the next morning.

Do be pleasant and present.

Do not talk about politics or religion. Your Mother was right!

Do use your magic words, as corny as it may sound, and thank your hosts many times over!

Guests do have duties. Just make sure to help out in general and enjoy your visit!

20 Years of 20 Questions: Single In The City. Wondering What Went Wrong On Your Date

2010-07-06T12:04:00.000-07:00

Twenty years ago, one of my roommates set me up with her fiancees friend from Boston for a formal evening. The Virginia Council of Colleges Black Tie dance at The Roosevelt Hotel in the heart of old New York City. I was excited for us all to go out on this quadruple date together. Group dating is usually low pressure as there are always other people talking and lots of action.
The only Black Tie dress I owned was, of course, my Adolfo black velvet short dress with the tulle skirt, since I worked for the designer. I wore that dress for 20 years over and over again. It was my bellwether dress. If it go too tight, I quit eating. I could not afford to buy a new formal dress. This beautiful dress, I knew, was always right.
My date was very good looking and had on a handsome tuxedo. He seemed so nice and smiled, but with his lips closed. He did not have anything to say so, I opened a conversation telling him I had never been to Boston but was reading a book about the history of the oldest and most famous family in Boston, the Cabot family. The book was specific to the rules of etiquette the Cabot family set for Boston society 100 years ago that still apply today. Alright, it was one sentence too much, but usually people love talking about their cities and famous families. No response. Nada. Nothing.
The little voices in my head told me my date did not want to be with me. It was as if he thought he had something else better to do or had another date later on in the evening. My date was not anxious at all, just not "present."
All night long, I gently tried to be very polite to my date. Maybe he was shy like I was as a child. Not talking much more, I introduced him to other friends with thoughtful detail. Politely asking him where he wanted to sit, if he wanted me to bring him a plate from the buffet, if he wanted to dance. Again, nothing. Nada.
Finally, I just sat with him in silence with a pleasant attitude and smile on my face. We silently watched everyone else having a grand time. One half an hour later, at 10:30 p.m., my date asked to take me home. What a bummer. By the time I went home and came back, the dance would be over. I knew so many people here and had paid for my ticket. I wanted to stay, but did not want to be rude. So, my date took me home at 10:30pm.
He kissed me at the door, then said: "Oh, if only I had known you were so interested." Known? Interested? Where had this date's head been all evening? I would have heard from my friends if he had a death in the family, or another trauma in his life. I had been calmly trying all night to be polite and attentive to this out of town date with no response, no reaction at all one way or the other.
So, my wise advice to those out there who go on date after date that sometimes may confound them:

Sometimes, you are not the problem. The problem is the other person.

If you do not want to go on a date, DON'T.

If you do commit to a date (especially a Black Tie event) commit to it and at the very least be pleasant and present.

If you absolutely cannot stand or tolerate your date, send yourself home. Be gracious. Say you have a headache and pay for the tickets and/or meal. Make sure your date can get themselves home, then politely excuse yourself.

Remember the #1 rule: Always make the other person feel special.

Dating is difficult. Constantly putting yourself out there. Continuously answering those 20 questions over and over again. Starting friendships. Wondering about any potential for romance. Listening to other people's tales of woe. Telling your tales of woe when asked. Trusting other people. Most of all, protecting your own heart and listening to the little voices of reason in your own head.

Keep the faith, be true to yourself, and keep on getting out there!

Happy American Independence Day!

2010-07-04T11:14:00.000-07:00

From my book: Forget-Me-Not, Forget-Me-Never, Remember The Fun We Had Together.

To Carrie:

When sailing down the stream of life,

In your own canoe,

May yours be a happy trip,

And plenty of room for two.

Louise E. Lennon

Friday, December 29, 1905

Happy July 4th to all!!

A Job Is What You Do, NOT Who You Are.

2010-06-25T20:17:00.000-07:00

Today at Kinko's, while standing over the self serve copier waiting as my copies copied, my eye wandered over to the book rack. Books all about jobs. How to get jobs, how to get out of jobs, how to deal with unruly co-workers and bosses. After 20 years in Retail management, I was fascinated.

The titles have been altered to protect the innocent, and are listed in bold italics. Then, I've given my best management opinion to save y'all lots of time reading and to save expense.

How To Work For A Complete Idiot: Chances are, if you are working for someone you think is a total idiot, you should probably look for another job. How can you ever respect your boss who you think is an idiot? How can they respect you, if you do not respect them? Mutual respect is a 2 way street. The respect vibe floats in the air, yet, is as thick as peanut butter on a sterling silver spoon.

Can I Wear My Nose Ring For The Interview? Yes definitely, if you plan to become a Tattoo artist, or an entrepreneur or Studio Artist in the East Village. Probably not if you want to get into Harvard and become an Investment Banker on Wall Street. Also, probably not if you want to work in any kind of Food Service!

9 Clowns Do Not A Circus Make: Well, you can run off and join the circus, if you want to, but they probably better have more than 9 clowns or it will not be much of a success. My husband's brother did run off every summer in High School to join the circus, which is probably why it took him 7 years to graduate from High School. At his graduation, he received a standing ovation! His circus was a success because they had more than 9 clowns.

Working With You Is Killing Me: Personally, I have had one job like this and worked under tremendous stress for four years. Sweat, pride in this work I adored doing, and tears. A wonderful loyal staff of 5, moving my boutique store up in sales and rank to #1, and putting up with nasty owners and district managers that knew little about the business or the local climate. They could have cared less about me, and my customers. They only saw the money and wanted more. Even moving my store rank to #1 was not good enough. Always more. Always complaining. Never good enough. Never, never, never. The stress took a serious toll on my health. You just must get transferred to a different department if possible, get a different supervisor if possible, or leave the job. Even if you love the work, and excel at it, get a similar job. Just make sure you have another job to go to and that you have arranged for one week off in between jobs so you may go on vacation, or at the least, have a "stay cation," and rest, sleep, pamper yourself and poke around your humble abode for at least one week. My Sister is a Hospice RN and sees people with Cancer in their forties ALL the time. Stress is a killer, for real.

Jobs are what you do, NOT who you are. Be sure to try and find a job you are content to have most of the time. Jobs, just like family and relationships, are not fun every single day, all day long, all the time, but should be satisfactory to you and for you most of the time. Take care!

Handy Gardening Tips For Hard Working Gardeners

2010-06-24T22:43:00.000-07:00

Here are a few summer fun gardening tips for gardeners. Hope they may help your garden grow!

Place tomatoes in the kitchen window. They will ripen faster and warm up the aura of your kitchen. A friend's grandmother once said "Tomatoes, (pronounced "toe-mot-toes"), are worth a half-a-penny more than tomatoes." It's true! :)
Place bitter cucumbers in the kitchen window for 1 day, flip and sun for another day to sweeten them up! Works every time! Promise!!
Soak bitter greens in a sink of cold water and baking soda for 1/2 hour to a full hour to sweeten them up. A drought or simple lack of rain will make greens bitter. Watering with a sprinkler does not even seem to work. A rain dance may work... :D
Wash all greens in a sink of cold water and salt for at least 15 minutes. The salt will get rid of all the dirt and parasites from your garden vegetables and greens. Remember, sinful amounts of salt!
Work on plucking the "suckers" from your tomatoes. Leaving them on will siphon the energy from the plant. In plucking the suckers, you will have larger, more colorful, tastier tomatoes.

These few tips will make your fruit luminous and your greens sweet! Enjoy!!

Rejection - Are You Trying Hard Enough? LOL!

2010-06-22T09:08:00.000-07:00

Last night on the way home from Book Club, I stopped by my favorite store, Barnes & Noble, for a cup of coffee and to peruse the new books out for summer reading.
Crowded around one book table were three young women actively looking at one book, consistently turning the pages, giggling, laughing, interacting, and exuding Oohs and Ahas. I was curious. What were they reading that was so involving?
It was a book compiled with nothing else other than copies of rejection letters**. Letters from personal relationships to job interviews to living situations and artistic endeavors. These actual rejection letters were real pieces of peoples' lives, and it got me thinking about rejection.
These people had put themselves out there in life personally, creatively and professionally. They were trying. They were doing. Actively living life, constantly taking chances with their hearts, their creative talents, their ideas, their souls.
My Mother's boyfriend of 35 years always says: "If you do not fail at least three times in your life, you are not trying hard enough." It is true!
We have all heard the story of Alexander Graham Bell. Seventy two rejections before being successful at inventing the light bulb. Have y'all heard the story of Ted Turner? Everyone told him 24 hour Cable news was stupid and would fail because they thought no one would ever be interested in watching 24 hour news. Have y'all heard the story of first time author, Katheryn Stockett? She sent 45 publishers the manuscript for her book: "The Help" before one publisher agreed to publish her now best selling book.
Myself, I was single for twenty years before marrying a great man! Yes, 20 years of 20 questions. Absolutely had to constantly actively participate in meeting and dating men, keeping in mind my state of mind, trying to remain positive and fun along with maintaining integrity and a good sense of self worth. One of my roommates in New York (a model for Elite Agency) every morning, with coffee in hand on the way to the shower would say: "It's not easy," and would laugh out loud.

Laughter is definitely the key, LOL!!

**"Other People's Rejection Letters: Relationship Enders, Career Killers, and 150 Other Letters You'll Be Glad You Didn't Receive." Edited by Bill Shapiro. Clarkson Potter Publishers, New York.

Could Cursing Be The New Cool?

2010-06-11T18:55:00.000-07:00

Uncle Jim and I had to have a talk with our 14 year old Nephew about using curse words on Face book a few months ago. He was using the "D-word," and as a gifted student, of course, he wants to go to Harvard. We told him that not only will prospective colleges be looking at his Face book page, but that Harvard students should indeed posses a lovely and creative, varied vocabulary. Not common curse words.
Speaking of Harvard, am I hallucinating, sounding like an old etiquette lady, or did our President use the "A-word" in an interview with Matt Lauer last week, and mouth the f-word in his sentence: "This is a big f-ing dinner," at a White House Correspondents Dinner last month? So sorry Harvard, but this is not higher learning.
At the MTV 2 hour awards show last Sunday night, MSNBC reported the f-bomb was dropped 47 times. Forty-seven. Pardon me? There stood our teenagers' role models, rising singers and up and coming movie stars, up on the awards podium saying: "I love 'so-in-so' so much, I want to f*** her/him." Lower learning for sure.
Dude, did I miss something? Could cursing be the new cool?
Yes, times are a bit tight, and perhaps tough lately. We are more cautious with our money, saving a little more and holding onto our jobs. Yes, agreed. We need to burn off a bit of steam, but when did we become so crass? Yes, we also know that "Jollywood" does not always turn out the brightest or most mannerly talent, but has our society been so "dummed down" that Harvard graduates know no other words save curse words?
I am sure I sound like an old fuddy duddy or mercy me, like my Mother, but maybe we as a country need more Mothering. Maybe we need to remember or have our Mothers remind us of who we should strive to be and how much we can accomplish with a higher learning and a higher purpose.

Summer Travel Tips for Long Distance Travelers

2010-06-02T14:02:00.000-07:00

What is the difference in traveling in my car for business for years and now traveling long distance on a plane for pleasure? Not much. The following are a few tips to help the long distance traveler.

Whether in a car or on a plane, dress in plain, classic Navy or Black jersey material and layer. Hot cars and hot planes are par for the course. I always wear a matching shell and a Jacket with pants and have a matching skirt packed. Jersey material needs no ironing, is light for packing, comfortable and always appropriate. Bring a pair of white cotton footie's with you on the plane in case it is cold.
In your car, bring a small cooler filled with water and some cheese sticks, or raw, unsalted nuts in your car (almonds are my favorite) using those re-usable freezer packs so you do not have to fret about melting ice. This way, you do not have to stop and pay exorbitant prices for drinks and you have healthy snacks.
On a plane, bring some crackers for air sickness and unsalted, raw nuts for protein with you. Be sure to purchase water for your plane ride once inside your gate. Very often today, flights cannot be counted on to serve everyone. Hydration is the key to plane travel. Do not drink too much caffeine or alcohol as they increase dehydration.
Seated stretching and deep breathing exercises are helpful. On the plane, try to get up and walk around at a minimum every hour. Walk to the restroom to wash your hands, or go to the back of the plane and stand a bit with the stewardesses.
Preset your watch. Eat when you are hungry.
After a long flight, go outside A.S.A.P. Research suggests sunlight helps reset the natural body clock. Walking outside in natural light does help your body clock too.
Jet lag is worse going from west to east. Do not take a nap. Try to stay up until 9:00 or 10:00 pm. A shower or bath will help relax you if you cannot fall asleep.
Aerobic exercise can also reduce jet lag. Try to stay in a hotel with a fitness room and schedule some of your time for exercise.
Be alert, walk deliberately, dress conservatively, travel lightly, and never announce your name, address and phone number in public. I always hand the desk clerk or concierge my business card with all pertinent information.
Do not bring valuable or sentimental jewelry that you will be crying in your soup if you loose, photocopy your passport and bring 2 extra passport photos, use covered luggage tags, book non-stop flights if possible, and take only officially marked taxis.

Plan a Bit and Travel Safely!

Back In The Day Can Be Today...Women Used To Never...

2010-06-01T09:56:00.000-07:00

From my book: "Forget-Me-Not, Forget-Me Never, Remember The Fun We Had Together"

Gratitude is the fairest flower that springs from the soul, and no man knoweth any more fragrant.
Catherine Mills
January 29, 1906

Just a quick, fun fact posting today. Did you know women used to never do certain things, rather they had gentlemen do these certain things for them. Ladies, you can still graciously have these things done for you. It's good for the men. It gives them a simple task to perform that makes them feel important!

Ladies, DO NOT stand at a bar in a bar, restaurant, nightclub or wedding reception and order your own drink. Ask a gentleman or your date or husband to order a drink for you. Nicely tell them what drink you would like. Thank them graciously. Enjoy!

Ladies, DO NOT light your own cigarette (for those few who still smoke). Ask a gentleman, your date or husband for a light. Even, pull our your cigarette, place it in your mouth and fumble for a lighter in your purse, and see what happens! Thank them graciously. Enjoy!

Just a few simple tasks Men can enjoy performing for ladies and it's nice! Simple pleasures in life we all can enjoy!

Single In The City Summer Travel Tips

2010-05-30T21:05:00.000-07:00

As a 'Single In The City' gal for 20 years, the following are a few travel tips, for any big city, I learned along the way. Also thrown in are some great tips from my Mother!

Dress up, just a bit, when traveling, as some nicer restaurants do not allow jeans on men, shorts or flip-flops. Also, please leave the dirty tennis shoes at home. Basically, just try NOT to look like you are cleaning our your garage. Simple and chic style is always better. Jersey material for women travels well, needs no ironing, wears nicely and is light. No wonder Coco Chanel used this material! Long Khaki pants for men always works, and please men, tuck your shirts IN and wear a belt.

If you need the restroom, go into the fanciest hotel you can find and find their public, clean, beautiful restrooms on the first floor. Act like you belong there, as you will already be dressed like you belong!! Have a dollar ready for a tip or a fee. The French West Indies Mall in Marigot, St. Martin, charges $1 US. The Plaza in NYC has attendants. The Mill House in Charleston is free, and they have a bar open all day with fresh ice cream for the children!! You can have a cool drink inside, or out on the patio and you can treat the kids to luxurious, cool ice cream!!

Walk deliberately and look straight ahead. Do not lolly-gag and meander around the sidewalk and gaze up at all the buildings. You will appear to be a tourist, therefore, a target. Go to an observatory or restaurant with a view to look at all the buildings.

If you ever need to get away from any situation for any reason, duck into an apartment building with a doorman, or any hotel and find the front desk, or restaurant and find the hostess or maitre'd.

Always bring along some light reading material; a small paperback book, magazine or daily paper to read on a bus or subway or while waiting in line. This way you can avoid eye contact and conversation with those you do not want to speak with. Cell phones are OK, but people are less likely to interrupt someone reading.

Always have a few small bills and some change with you for a bus, parking, subway, pay phone, cab, hot dog, cup of coffee, or a cash tip.

Travel with a thin travel wallet/billfold. Only take what you need. Leave at home photos, voter ID, and any other cards you do not need and that will be difficult to replace. Only take one credit or debit card. Write down the 1-800 number needed in case you loose your wallet or it is stolen, and keep it in a separate place.

Always travel with jewelry you will NOT be crying in your soup if you loose or it is stolen. Also, always keep your jewelry on your person or in the hotel safe or a room safe. Do not use your phone number or street number or birthday for the safe pass code.

Bring a disposable camera instead of your best and only camera, and have fun!

Do not be where you are not supposed to be when you are not supposed to be there. As long as you are around people, you are OK. In case of emergency, yell "Fire" instead of "Help." People run towards a fire and away from someone yelling help.

Remember, Friends & Family Are Forever - Happy Memorial Day

2010-05-30T20:07:00.000-07:00

From my Book; Forget-Me-Not, Forget-Me-Never, Remember The Fun We Had Together:

In Memory of All of Our Fallen: Soldiers and Sailors Monument,

New York City, 1907

Robious Middle School 6th Graders Take An Etiquette Exam!

2010-05-27T23:01:00.000-07:00

Below is a link to a video of our own Robious Middle School in Richmond, Va., and the 6th Grade Etiquette Final Exam on Table Manners at The Salisbury Country Club.

Parents, don't worry! It's NOT a reflection on your parenting skills that these young people had to take lessons on table manners and how to manipulate their flatware, learn which fork is the salad fork and why they must pass the salt AND pepper.

In this busy day and age of Kids Menus, fast food and finger foods, not all families eat at the table often enough, or at all. Young people tell me they eat french fries and chicken nuggets with their fingers in front of their own TV or computer in their room, or in the car on the way home from soccer practice. Practice does make perfect, and knowledge gives each young person the confidence to eat, as they say: "At the big table," in an adult world when necessary.

So please pause a mere minute, watch the video, listen to the confident voices of the children and enjoy!

p.s. One must pass the salt AND pepper because in passing only the salt, the other person may later decide they then want the pepper, and by passing both, you are anticipating their next need. plus, they do not have to interrupt again to ask for something they did not know they wanted.

p.p.s. For parents out there looking for college scholarships: the latest trend is for the college/university to invite all their scholarship contenders to a fancy lunch. If you do not pass the salt AND pepper, you do not get the scholarship. Also, if you do not know which fork is your fish fork, or salad fork, they may as well "stick a fork in you because you are done!"

www.midlothianexchange.com/index.php/video/

How to Loose A Few Easy Pounds, After 40, In 10 Days and Save Some Bucks Too!

2010-05-22T19:51:00.000-07:00

Modeling in New York many years ago before there were "Supermodels" and "Ubermodels," I was taking home $145.00 per week. My rent was $400.00 a month, and I lived in a 5th floor studio apartment with two great roommates from college. After putting $20.00 into a savings account, I had a whole $25.00 a week to spend on anything I wanted!! After a year of managing this budget, and with the added pressure of living in a "Devil Wears Prada" world, I lost 20 pounds without even realizing I had lost the weight. Budgeting out of necessity combined with some tricks I learned in the modeling industry, the following are a few weight loss tips:

Walk whenever and wherever you can. Forget belonging to an expensive Gym. In NYC that first year, even the .50 cent Subway ride twice a day, for my budget, was out of the question. So, I walked 30 blocks to and from work every day, rain, snow or shine. It was relaxing to walk home every evening. Walk to relax and reflect.

Walk up and down a flight of stairs at least 10 times a day. Again, no need for a gym membership. My first apartment was a fifth floor walk up, and now, I miss it! At first, you will be breathing hard and your legs will ache a bit. After a while, you will glide up and down those stairs, no problem.

Give up fast food and junk food. Don't drive by it or buy it and you will not have it in your house as a temptation (your children do not need it either, so do not use that excuse). Fast Food is expensive anyway. After a while, you will not miss this type of food, and it will not appeal to you any more. Spend your money wisely instead on fresh foods, and make the time for preparaton. It only takes 20 minutes or so to make a nicesalad for dinner. Wrap the lettuce and veggies in dry paper towels and place in a zip lock plastic bag, and into your vegetable bin. They will last longer.

Eat at least 5 servings of fresh, organic fruits and vegetables daily. Organic is best if you can afford it because organic has no pesticides. Pesticides trigger a metabolism slow down.

Give up fruit juice and sodas if you can, or at least, cut back. Eat an orange instead of having orange juice. Juice has a ton of refined sugar. If you must have fruit juice, have a few sips of diet fruit juice, then put the small bottle back in the fridge for the next day. If yo must have soda, try buying those tiny 8 oz. cans. Have an 8 oz. soda every other day or so. Don't deprive yourself, because you will eventually binge. Try also taking two or three sips of the 8 z. soda then giving the rest to someone else to finish!

Get rid of your salt shaker. I got rid of mine 27 years ago in NYC and have never looked back. Use pepper/garlic/lemon instead! Salt forces your body to retain water and makes you bloated. At first, you will notice the lack of salt, but after a while, food without salt will taste better, and you will think food you taste with salt will taste salty! If you must use some salt for cooking, use all natural, mineral rich Celtic Sea Salt. Also, try unsalted nuts. You'll actually taste the flavor of the nut! Remember though, only one palm full.

A portion is the size and thickness of the palm of your hand. Yes, portion control is a big key to loosing weight. Pay attention to portions in restaurants. Try bringing half of your meal home. I love leftovers!

No carbohydrates before bed. If you are hungry, try two cold cut slices of low fat chicken or turkey and 2 slices of reduced fat cheese. Or try a few stalks of celery, carrots and 1 serving of hummus with paprika.

Oprah is right; no white carbohydrates, no white rices, no white pastas, no white flour No white cereals, no white bread No white bread croutons and no white sugars. Eat crunchy organic croutons on a salad each night instead of bread, if you can.If you must eat bread, buy only whole grain bread, and read the ingredients. Many companies use High Fructose Corn Syrup in their wheat or multi grain breads! White carbs/starches/pastas also make "Hot Flashes" worse.

Fiber is the secret. Fiber will increase your metabolism 30% per day. 25 gram's of fiber daily is what we all need to keep things moving along in our systems.

If you have to have a small piece of cake every few days, split a small piece with your spouse, roommate or friend. Take 1/3 of the piece and give your spouse or roommate 2/3 of the piece. Eat the cake with some organic fruit, or try only organic fruit and low fat or reduced fat cheese for dessert. Try to eat 25 g. of fresh fruit and veggies per day. Europeans commonly eat fruit and cheese for dessert because it will cut your cravings for sweets.

Drink 6+ glasses of very cold water every day. Your body will have to rev up its metabolism thus burn calories to warm up the water during digestion. A 50 calorie boost per day is about 5 lbs. per year!

Drink caffeine; organic coffee or green tea are best if you are healthy and have no heart issues or sleep issues. Caffeine is a Central Nervous system stimulant. It will rev up your metabolism by about 100-175 calories per day which works out to 5-7 lbs. per year! Drink caffeine as much and as late as possible without affecting your sleep. Caffeine keeps your metabolism up by about 10%, green tea about 12%.

Ladies, keep your calories between 1300 and 1800 calories per day. Never drop below 1200 calories as the cerebellum part of your brain, like a caveman, will go into "starvation mode," and save as "fat" anything you eat. Men, y'all need 2000 calories per day. If you eat more one day, eat less the next few days. Don't worry about it too much.

Do weight bearing exercises twice a week. I keep 3 lb. weights next to my chair in the Den, and exercise while watching the news. Exercise inside or outside. No big deal, just do it.

The good news is: ONE alcoholic drink will rev up your metabolism up to 73%. A cold drink is best. The bad news is: in drinking the second drink, your body will then burn the alcohol instead of the fat. So, only one drink allowed! Also, alcohol does make "Hot Flashes" worse!

Women need only 3 oz. of lean meat per week. Men may have a bit more. One petite tenderloin steak once a week, or one sirloin burger once per week. Ladies, give up hamburger meat, nothing but fatty hip food!

Eat 200-600 units of salmon,fish, or shell fish per day. Good vitamin B.

For a splurge,try organic tomato soup and a small low fat grilled cheese on whole wheat with thin tomato slices. Who doesn't like tomato soup and grilled cheese. Delicious!

For extra Vitamin D, go out into the sunlight for 10 minutes per day. Yard work (and housework) is good for a least 30 calories per hour! Obviously, on my budget, I packed a small lunch every day. Packing a lunch is healthier and cheaper than eating fatty, expensive food anyway. Pack a lunch and go sit outside whenever you can.

So, everything in moderation, mind your portions and get moving!

Asian Dining Tips,Chinese Folklore & Popcorn

2010-05-19T21:01:00.000-07:00

There is an old Chinese proverb that says if you hold your chopsticks close in, you will marry someone living nearby and if you hold your chopsticks far up, you will marry someone living in a far land.

So, how do you hold your chopsticks? Can you hold your chopsticks? Do you need a bit of practice or shall we start from the beginning?

In order to eat proficiently at a Sushi Bar with friends, or in a Chinese restaurant with business associates, you need to understand the following principals:

Cradle the middle of one chopstick in the hollow of your right or left thumb and palm with the narrow end resting on the third finger. Firm up your grip of the chopstick by using your upper thumb to press the chopstick securely against the tip of the fourth finger.
Add the second chopstick and hold it like you hold a pencil when writing. Line the chopsticks up evenly.
Hold the first chopstick in the original position and move the second chopstick up and down. The lower chopstick should never move while in operation. It should remain stationary at all times, serving as a base on which to clamp the food placed on it by the top chopstick.

Practice, Practice, Practice :

First, practice on popcorn! Yeah! Fun!
Second, practice lifting a wine glass straight up by the stem with your chopsticks. If you can do this without dropping the wine glass, you are ready to eat in public.

Tips:

Never point your chopsticks at anyone. It is considered to be bad luck and it is dangerous.
Never stand chopsticks up in a bowl of rice. This is also considered to be bad luck.
Do remember to use the larger ends of your chopsticks to serve yourself from a platter
Never eat food directly from a platter. Always place the food on your plate first.
Do not cross the chopsticks. When not using the chosticks, place them on the chopstick rest provided.
Do remember that a banquet can last two or three hours, and may include twelve or more small courses.

Practice and enjoy!

Job Interviews and Dating - What's The Difference

2010-05-16T18:13:00.000-07:00

20 years of 20 questions. Job interviews, first date after blind date. What's the difference?

What is the difference between getting a feel for the establishment in which you may want to work, for a long time and getting to know the potential partner for whom you may want to marry, and will be with for a long time?

What is the difference in the techniques used in job interviews and the techniques used in dating?

The following are a few tips to pep up your job interviews and perk up your dinner dates:

Each new job interview is a new opportunity for you to shine. Get yourself in a happy mood and be calm and positive.
Each new first date is a new opportunity for you to shine. Get yourself in a happy mood and be calm and positive.

Each new job interview is your chance to get the interviewer talking about themselves and their company. Prepare a few pertinent questions to ask the interviewer at the end of the interview when they ask you if you have any questions.
Each new first date is your chance to get the other person talking about themselves and their family, friends, experiences, likes and dislikes, etc.

Keep your resume professional and polite. Use Spell Check. Have a family member or friend who is good at editing look over your resume.
Keep your conversation professional and polite. Pause, look and listen to what your date says. Pay attention to their tone. Listen also to what your date does not say.

During your interview, do not comment on politics or religion, or talk about money. Do not list political or religious affiliations on your resume or Face book/My Space or any other social Internet site.
During your first date, do not comment on politics or religion, money or past relationships.

During your interview, look around the interviewer's office and desk for items and nick-knacks revealing what hobbies they may enjoy and read any degrees on the wall.
During your first date, in conversation, nicely ask your date about their education and ask them to talk about their hobbies.

On your resume, after each prior job listed, include an updated phone number and a current name of a contact. This makes it convenient for any future possible employer to easily check your information.
On your first date, as the date is ending and if another date is agreed upon, leave the other person with updated contact information.

As you enter and exit your interview, pay attention to how your interviewer treats their staff.
As you are having your date, pay attention to how your date treats the waiter, cashier, etc.

If you are asked during the interview why you wish to leave or why you have left another job, do not be negative. Be honest and explain why the past job was not right for you or why you wish to move on and what you have learned from the experience.
If you are asked during your first date (or first few dates) why a past relationship was ended, do not be negative. Be honest and explain why the relationship was not right for you and why you chose to move on or why your partner chose to move on and what you learned from the experience.

A first job interview and a first date really are very similar, so enjoy your good opportunity and prepare!

Manners in French St. Martin - Not Wrong, Just Different

2010-05-15T12:44:00.000-07:00

Adults at cocktail and dinner parties, students in tutorials, and attendees at lectures often ask me, if a particular manner is right or wrong, and how only one particular way of doing one thing is the only and always correct way, n'est-ce pas? My usual answer is: "It is not right or wrong, it is just different."

An example is American style vs. Continental style dining. One may eat in the "Continental Style" in America, and it is not wrong, it is just different. As a matter of fact, eating in the Continental style is how Americans ate in this country before 1840 when the style changed. Continental style is also very easy for left handed diners. I have been surrounded by lefties my whole life. My Mother used to complain about getting SO frustrated at dinner parties from people bumping her left arm while eating at the table because they were sticking their elbows out too far, and it never occurred to them someone would be eating with their left hand. Awareness and open-mindedness, y'all. It's simple.

While in St. Martin, reading the local daily paper "The Herald," I stumbled upon a delightful column called "Weekend Thoughts." The subject was "American Style" dining and how it was different from the way the French author of the column ate. She spoke of her American friend who ate in the American style while in the French Caribbean and how it was so different from the Continental Style way she was taught to eat. She commented at the end of her article: "It opens up a new world to me."

So, please be open-minded to differences in us all. Manners are not always either/or. Manners are not always yes or no. Manners are often just different!

What Do Lemons, Evening Constitutionals and Socks Have In Common?

2010-05-11T07:19:00.000-07:00

Passed down to me by my Great-Grandparents, the following habits will help you to feel and live better. Thankfully, some things never change:

Every evening, or, as often as possible, take an "Evening Constitutional" around the block. No big deal, 15-20 minutes or so is fine. Walk, chat, laugh and relax. You will digest your food, get your blood flowing, breath and relax. Make it a good habit and enjoy.
Every evening after her walk, my Great-Grandmother drank a tea cup filled with hot water and lemon. My Father said she had the most beautiful skin for a 93 year old lady he had eve seen. The acidity of the lemon is good for your liver as it cleans out/detoxifies the liver, thus, will help clear up your skin.
Before bedtime, smear petroleum jelly on your feet and heals, then put on footie's or socks and sleep in them. You will wake up with the softest feet ever!
After handling fish or seafood, to rid your fingers the fishy smell, rub lemon or lime over your nails and the tips of your fingers. The citrus acid will work every time. The citrus, however, may dry your skin, so after you rub, wash your hands with warm water and soap, dry, then apply lotion.
My Grandfather ate a tomato ever night. A good acidic fruit for you! Largely diced. Plain, or sprinkled with a bit of Kosher salt, with a dab of mayonnaise or vegenaise, topped with freshly ground pepper. Serve everyone one tomato each when you do not feel like taking the time making a salad or cooking a vegetable. It is quick and easy! Yum!

Mother's Day Poem From 1905 - Thankfully, Some Things Never Change

2010-05-05T23:04:00.000-07:00

A Mother's Day poem from my book: "Forget-Me-Not, Forget-Me-Never, Remember The Fun We Had Together"

Thankfully some things never change and thank goodness for our Mothers! Thanks Mom!

Here's to the happiest

days of your life,

Spent in the arms

of another man's wife

....your Mother.

Elizabeth Thompson

Near: Lake Mohonk, NY 1905

Have an enjoyable day to all!!

The Best Outdoor Brass Cleaning Tip Ever and Patina

2010-05-04T11:34:00.000-07:00

For all of y'all out there who cannot stand cleaning outdoor brass such as door knobs, door knockers and door plates, here is the best tip ever: SOS pads**. Yes, for most outdoor brass items that need a good scrub here is how to accomplish the cleaning:

Tape around the item so as not to harm any surrounding surface. Use the special painting masking tape so there is no sticky residue remaining when the tape is removed.
Clean the item with an SOS pad. Scrub, scrub, scrub. The SOS pad will remove all the grime and dirt so you can then polish the brass item. The SOS pad will leave a Patina on your brass item. A Patina is comprised of all those little minute "scratches" that naturally occur with age and make the item look like an antique.
A patina will change the luster of the item. I prefer my sterling, brass and pewter with a patina because I like the luxurious luster. Some people, however, prefer their brass, sterling and pewter looking shinny like new stainless steel. **If you do not want to change the luster of your item, do not use the SOS pad.
Shine the item with Brasso or Never-Dull, or whatever brass cleaning product you prefer.

** The SOS pad will leave a Patina on your item. If you do not like the look and the new luster of the Patina, do not use the SOS pad!!!!

20 Years of 20 Questions: Single In The City, Dating, and Hungry for Dignity

2010-05-04T08:50:00.000-07:00

As a Single in the City gal for 20 years (LOL), I sure can say I went on many more than my fair share of dates, blind dates, and bad dates. The better behaved, the badly behaved, the abhorrently behaved. Men who did not get out much and men who got out a bit too much. This is the story of a blind date with a well intending, stable, intelligent man who just may not have gotten out so much.
Very nice friends from out of town set me up with their next door neighbor, who also lived and was a tenured professor at a very exclusive private college 2 hours away from them and about an hour away from where I lived.
Upon the initial phone call with this man, I informed him I was in between management jobs with a sporadic schedule of part-time jobs, so, he suggested we meet at a very casual diner for Sunday Brunch. Cool.
My date began by driving 1 1/2 hours to this exclusive private college and met this seemingly nice, tenured professor at a very cute diner. Great breakfast. Better conversation. Everything moving along nicely.
Then, the check arrived. The professor eyed it and let it sit. Finally he turned it over. The bill totalled $13.50 plus a tip. Unknown to anyone, I had $20 in my pocket and $5 in the bank until my next pay day which was the following Friday. So, I pulled out my $20 bill figuring we would split the bill. The professor then said to me: "How about you get this one and I'll get the next."
What?? I thought to myself, not only is this tenured professor not going to pick up even and only his half of this small check, after I have driven 1 1/2 hours to get here, he is also going to assume I am going to go out on another date with him after I, who he knows am in between jobs, pay for this date!!
Always polite, I paid the check and the tip, drove the 1 1/2 hours home and never answered any phone calls from this guy again. The first of a few starving weeks in my future to come with $5 in the bank so I could maintain some semblance of dignity!
According to his neighbors, my friends who set me up, he had a great time and just could not figure out why I would not return his phone calls. Hmmm.

After School Special Story Regarding Pennies and a "Secretaries' Week" Luncheon

2010-05-03T09:31:00.000-07:00

In college, I worked as a waitress for lunch and as a hostess for dinner during the summers at a very high end seafood restaurant. I picked up a few valuable etiquette tips while waiting on one particular table of ladies during Secretaries' Week in the summer of 1981. The ladies called ahead of time to make a reservation for eleven, which is the best thing I can say about the following experience waiting on these nice, well intended women.
The table of eleven arrived 25 minutes late. It was raining. After being seated, they then changed their minds and wanted their raincoats, hats and umbrellas checked. So, I checked each coat and accessory for each lady and brought each lady the coat check chit. Everyone had multiple special menu requests during and after their individual orders: no croutons, dressing on the side, no dressing, extra dressing, no onions, no bacon, extra bacon, no eggs, and they were only ordering salads to have as their meal. This complicated meal of only salads and tap water went on and on for 2 1/2 hours.
Finally, just when I thought the meal was over, someone at the table took a cake out of a box they had quietly brought into the restaurant! Politely, I brought out a serving knife, plates and forks for the cake. Then the gift bags and presents appeared! Birthday wishes. Birthday singing. Birthday toasts (with the table water). Coffee was ordered. Regular and Decaf. Extra cream. More cream. No cream. Pink packets of sugar everywhere! More coffee refills. More creamer. More pink packets. At this point, I was seeing pink!
My Mother and Sister came into the restaurant in the middle of my waiting on this busy table to surprise me and eat lunch. As I served them and as they enjoyed their lunch, my Mother watched as I tirelessly, politely and patiently waited, waited and waited on these nice, well intending women.
One woman at the table then asked for eleven separate checks. Each lady had 1 salad and 1 cup of coffee. Each tab was brought to the table separately, and I brought each tab to the cashier, then returned the tab with change, and exited. Then, the long discussion ensued regarding the tip. Unknown to these ladies, my Mother, still sitting at the next table, was listening! How much should they each leave to the nice young girl for the tip? Yes, it was 1981 and prices were different. The large salads were about $4.95. The coffee was around .95 cents. The ladies had a nice time and thanked me upon leaving.
My tip totaled .11 cents for each separate customer. I thought my tip at almost 15%, was fine. My Mother had a different opinion. One dime and one penny placed at each place for 2 1/2 hours of hard work. Also, leaving a penny on the table as part of a tip??

My Mother heard this and thought she would burst! Leaving a penny on the table is rude! It is considered to be a terrible insult in Europe. It signifies that the service was more than insufficient, rather, horrible. Leaving a penny on the table is frowned upon even within the restaurant business in the USA. It is also considered to be bad luck for those who are superstitious.
No coat check tip was left, at all.
My tip, I thought, was sufficient, until my Mother spoke up after these ladies had gone. She had the following tips for me (and suggestions for the day manager) which still apply today:

One of the Ladies should have assumed the responsibility of group leader or hostess.
Coats and accessories should have all been checked upon arrival and the coat check tip should have been taken care of ahead of time.
The party should have arrived on time.
One check should have been agreed upon before the meal began. The Group leader should have paid with one credit card ahead of time, then settled up with each lady afterwards.
The tip should have been paid by the group leader in hand to the waitress and not left on the table in change form.
Pennies should never be left on the table as part of a tip for any reason, ever!
The tip should have been at least 18% - 20% as it was a large table of eleven persons and because this table took up the entire lunch time.
Menu extras, exceptions, additions and subtractions should have been stated as each order was placed.
Bringing a Birthday Cake into the restaurant should have never been done. Also, what an insult to the chef and management of the restaurant!
The birthday bows, wrapping paper, boxes and tissue paper should have been cleaned up by the group leader, not left all over the place for the waitress to clean up.

Take charge, plan a bit and make your office luncheon nice for everyone! Thanks Mom!!

More Helpful Household Tips

2010-05-03T08:24:00.000-07:00

More cleaver and frugal tips for ever household. Did y'all know:

Vinegar and Rubbing alcohol together in a spray bottle will clean a shower?
Place an aspirin tablet inside a wooden cabinet or wooden drawer and it will absorb any moisture.
Boiling a scored orange will get rid of any kitchen odors and will leave the entire house smelling great!
Peanut Butter will get chewing gum out of long hair.
Substitute mayonnaise instead of vegetable oil the next time you make a batch of brownies and they will be the best tasting brownies ever! Yum!

Enjoy these cleaver tips and save!

Unintended Consequences of Free Speech Without Also Teaching Tolerance

2010-05-02T12:36:00.000-07:00

Unintended consequences from our behavior, whether it be well intended or not. Consequences with well meaning government programs. Consequences of War. Consequences on the Internet, Talk Radio and 24 hour Cable News, especially with, as I like to call it, "Talk TV."
The well intending producers of these 24 hour cable news shows want the "Talking Heads" fighting with their guests because it raises ratings. High ratings mean more money.
Remember The Jerry Springer Show from many years ago? His was the first TV show that raised its ratings because his guests were regularly paid extra by producers not to simply fight with words, but to take punches at each other with their fists.
Fighting with fists or fighting with words, well intended or not, this 24 hour bickering is seeping into our psyche and society, daily behaviors, and the little ways we treat each other. What happened to the Puritan, Christian valued society of our founders?
We are now an "either/or" society. Everyone voicing their opinions on Facebook, Twitter, Internet blogs, radio, etc. Nothing wrong with free speech, but, does it have to be so angry? Also, when did we figure we had to be on one side or the other? Why do we have to say Merry Christmas OR Happy Holidays? Why can't we say Merry Christmas to our Christian friends AND Happy Holidays to our non-Christian friends? Why one side OR the other? Why not BOTH? Have we become so ETHNOCENTRIC?
The unintended consequence of our bickering combined with the changing face of America, is that we are entering into an uncivil society, as we have not been teaching tolerance. Free speech with tolerance. We CAN agree to disagree.

How to be a Successful Internationalist, Not an "Ugly American"

2010-04-28T19:27:00.000-07:00

We share the planet with 6 Billion people who speak 6,000 different languages along with all those foreign cultural differences and customs. Americans are known around the world as ETHNOCENTRIC, meaning we know only about our own culture, and do not demonstrate any interest in learning about other cultures. We are also known for only speaking English, and expecting everyone else to speak English. Like in the movies, if they do not understand us, we just start speaking slower and louder.

The "Ugly American" traveler. They make us wince, whinny and purse our lips while breathing in! We've all seen them and their circus antic behavior. Their louder than life voice levels, like listening to stock boys talking about the night before at the grocery store. Their packed fanny packs around their already rotund waists. Their ill fitting, badly fashioned shorts and un tucked shirts. Do not even get me started on those dirty, icky running shoes, although these people look as though they have not 'run' in quite a while. What to do? What to do?

The following are a few tips to help all who wish to be fabulous travelers. I'll throw in a few fine fashionista tips too!

Good mistakes from trying are better than bad mistakes from not trying. Good mistakes include:

Knowing a few "magic words" in their language (may I, thank you, please) as well as a few necessary phrases and trying to speak the language thus showing respect.
Mispronunciation of their language (unless in Paris).
Being aware of and trying their customs (handshaking, bowing, eye contact, stance).
Being aware of their culture, trends and taboos and trying to blend into their culture (fashion, mass transportation, religion, gift giving, flowers).
Being aware of their local cuisine and trying their food and specialties in every restaurant and street cart and at every meal, (save the visit to McDonald's for home).
Eating in the style everyone else eats (Continental Style in Europe, chop sticks in Asia, right hand in the Middle East.)

To be a Successful Internationalist:

Please know the name of the President or Prime Minister.
Please know the political system.
Be aware of the language(s) spoken.
Know the official name of the country.
Know the collective name for its people.

To be further successful:

Show respect always.
Be considerate always.
Remain non-judgemental in attitude.
Remain open-minded to all situations.
Observe, ask and listen

To be successful with your fashion:

Leave the college jeans, sloppy shorts and dirty tennis shoes at home.
For young ladies, new, nicely fitted, fancy "girl jeans" may be an exception....
Ladies, please pay attention to local fashion and possible religious customs such as in the Middle East.
For ladies, jersey fabric is light, looks good, needs no ironing and travels splendidly!
Ladies, a light floral long scarf or plain pashmina is a great accessory tied around your neck, waist or purse and warm cover up for the plane.
Always remove hats, sunglasses and gloves when inside.
Never shake hands with your other hand in your pocket and gentlemen, please keep your hands out of your pockets.
Gentlemen always wear long pants in the evening and especially anywhere for dinner.

Any library or bookstore will have travel books. Please peruse them, read them, take notes.

A modicum of planning will be immeasurably helpful to your traveling manners.

Bon chance et Au Revoir, y'all!

How Girls Fight and Wise Words from Wise People to Live By Ever Day

2010-04-22T20:18:00.000-07:00

My Mother has always said: "Girls fight with words," and do they ever. Today's girls also apparently fight with technologies, such as texting.
My brilliant suite-mate from college has a twelve year old entrepreneurial daughter who has a successful blog of her own: The Success Princess. She is well written and wise beyond her years, does not watch television, is polite and plays the violin. Yesterday, she was caught up in one of her first "Girl Dramas" at her school. Remember 6th grade?
Her best friend apparently sent her a text accusing this lovely twelve year old, The Success Princess, of calling her the "B" word to another mutual friend. Texting girl drama!
Earlier last year, I quoted what a wise woman of the world said, and here are these words again:
"If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and true enemies; succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend your years building, someone may destroy overnight, build it anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough; give the world the best you have got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God.
It was never between you and them anyway." - Mother Theresa

I keep this saying on my kitchen window and read it when not needed and read it more when needed.
Also, I think it was Churchill that said something like:
"Never ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever give up!"

Mean is mean. What To Do When A Bully Bullies.

2010-03-24T19:02:00.000-07:00

Mean is mean. Period. Bullies are basically unhappy people. Bullies want to make themselves feel superior, so they put others down to feel better about themselves. Coy remarks to you in front of others. Coded comments to you on Facebook. Smart remarks on the telephone. Laughing behind your back. Laughing with another person in front of your face. Outright insults to your face. What to do....what to do?
My wise husband always says, the first person who talks, looses. Other than on "Talk TV News," where one has to yell over the other person or you "loose" the interview, this is so true. Remember, it is harder to be the bully than to be yourself.
So, my best advise is:

Stick to the facts if you must talk, answer politely only in monosyllables, and just do your best to stay away from the bully.
Remove yourself from the situation figuratively or literally. Be aways busy. Be self-directed and find projects to work on. Be engrossed in a book or newspaper, rather than fiddling with your cell phone if in the same lunch room or social situation, because people feel less intimidated to interrupt someone fiddling with e-mail or twittering on computers or phones. Or, if you can, leave the room. Be busy somewhere else.
If in a restaurant on a bad date, go to the restroom, go outside to make an "important" phone call, go outside for a smoke even if you don't smoke. Excuse yourself to the restroom and leave the restaurant/club. Call for a cab home. Say you have a headache, or don't feel well. Anything to get away from the bad situation and bully.
If the bully is your boss at work, may as well just start looking for a department transfer or a new job. Nothing worse than a bully for a boss, and it will never get any better, because the bully is, after all, your boss. In this case, the boss will always have the last word. Nothing to do about it. Be always polite, keep your nose to the grindstone, look for a new job and tell NO ONE, then leave your current job with the bully boss for your new job. Too much of your life is spent at work to allow your bully boss to tear you up, the spit you out anyway.
If the bully is a co-worker, do your best to stay away from the bully and the main rule applies. Do not let them draw you into a conversation. Be busy around them. Try never to be alone with the bully.
Always be polite to the bully. If they say something mean, do not reply. Let the mean comment hang out there in the air, especially if in a room with others. Just let the mean comment lay.
If the bully is a social bully, say on a committee or in a book club with you, sit far away from the bully. Look for another book club. Get on another committee. No sense spending your valuable leisure time miserable.
There is no sense fighting with a bully because it is what they want. If you engage wit them, they will drag you down into their world with them. Not where you want to be.

Do not be a victim. Stand up for yourself and empower yourself by removing yourself from the situation.

Homespun Homeopathic Recipes For Your Epithelium

2010-03-14T11:45:00.000-07:00

How much of your hard earned money do you spend per year on skin care products? Do you buy specific products at the grocery store or spend your lunch money on those fancy cosmetic counter products?

Everyone knows, Epithelial cells, or the skin, referred to as the Integumentary System, is the largest organ in your body! While a diet of many fresh fruits and vegetables keep your skin glowing from the dermis down, here are some tips to keep your skin glowing on the top layers! Pamper yourself instead with the following common products easily found in any home:

Smash 2 bananas and mix in 1 pat of butter in a bowl. Add a ripe avocado and mix. Smear on your face as a mask and leave for 20 minutes.
Spritzing a bit of baby oil in a warm bath and soaking for 15 minutes will soften your dry skin anytime.
Be careful with bath salts. Their aroma is appealing, but they tend to dry one's skin.
To exfoliate your skin, place a mixture of lemon and sugar on your skin and rub into your skin.
Another exfoliation remedy is mixing Cheerios, honey and lemon on your skin.
A whipped egg white placed on your face for 10 minutes will act as a mask and revitalize your skin.
Chop a cucumber and place into an ice tray (no water needed) and freeze into cubes. Place cubes below eyes and let the cubes melt.
A fantastic eye makeup remover is plain old petroleum jelly! Try it!

These homespun recipes work well, so pamper yourself frugally and save your lunch money for lunch!

Tell Us Your Favorite Spring Break Travel Tip

2010-03-11T11:47:00.000-08:00

Dear Readers,
Spring Break is upon us. Where and how are you traveling? Do you have a favorite travel tip to share? Please leave a travel tip and any comments below in the comment box.

Travel safely and enjoy!

Etiquette Tips and Tid-bits

2010-03-07T11:25:00.000-08:00

The following are some of the most popular tips and tid-bits from my many speeches. Just goes to show, one never knows which tid-bit is going to be a hit in a speech.

Regarding Dishwashers and Your Tableware:
I wash my 18th Century Rose Medallion and great-grandmothers' crystal and sterling flatware in the dishwasher by following these simple, few rules:

Load your dishes and crystal evenly and unload slowly. Lay the crystal or glass stemware down flat on the rack, however it fits nicely. Do not thrash around dishes, crowd and cram the dishwasher filled with pots and pans next to the crystal and flat silver with plastic items on top. Wash the pots and pans separately from the sterling.
DO NOT use lemon detergent on china, crystal or flatware. Use plain detergent. China and crystal, in particular, have a glaze over them and the acidity from the lemon eats away at this glaze, and can eat away at the gold rims, gold accents and all colors on the china and crystal. Lemon detergent IS ONLY for removing the grease on pots and pans. For some reason, the brand Cascade leaves a residue over time.
DO NOT use the heat button in your dishwasher, all that heat is not necessary. Have you ever opened the door during the heat cycle?! Always use the "Gentle Wash" and "Air Dry" features. The dishwasher's does not sterilize dishes anyway and you are wasting energy, spending money and weakening your dishes and crystal in the meantime. The "Air Dry" feature is plenty warm enough and will not melt the gold on your crystal or china.
Never mix metals (stainless pots and pans or stainless flatware) with sterling silver. It's a metallurgy thing. The metal will pit out your sterling, those hard to clean black spots, then you'll have to clean your sterling.
If you wash your good sterling silver in the dishwasher, you will not need to clean your sterling but once a year. After a year, it will develop a white filmy tint. An easy polish will bring its natural luster back.
Before washing your sterling knives in the dishwasher, always test one first. Some knife handles made between the 1880's and the First World War were filled with plaster and will explode in the dishwasher.
Sterling silver will develop a patina naturally. The patina is what gives sterling its third dimension, its character. Do not buff it out. Leave the old hand monogramming too.
Finding a craftsman to hand monogram any metal is difficult these days. If you have or purchase at auction any sterling silver flatware and other sterling pieces (trays, vases, etc.) DO NOT have the old hand monogramming buffed out. The pieces will loose their patina, charm and conversation potential. You will also be removing valuable microns of silver in the buffing process and if the buffing process is done unevenly, your piece will come out with visible waves and bumps.

Enjoy your next dinner party!

Addendum to Boiling Antique Linens in Milk and Soap Mixture

2010-03-06T10:41:00.000-08:00

From my book: Forget-Me-Not, Forget-Me-Never, Remember The Fun We Had Together.

Dear Carrie,
I wish I were a tea-cup,
So when you drink tea,
At every little mouthful,
You will sometimes think of me.

Your Classmate,
Beulah W. Kennedy
June 21, 1906

Lots of y'all with yellowed antique linens out there! As an addition to the milk and soap method listed on our last post (#1, 3-3-2010), y'all may want to try a few alternative methods.

I used to wash my horses with a product called Orvus, found at Southern States. It is what Curators use on all antique textiles.

Also, some experts suggest using Clorox 2, rinsing immediately with warm water as the Clorox will break down the proteins and tannins in the linen, but this is not my favorite method. Twenty-five years ago, I soaked my great-grandmother's tablecloth in Clorox and cold water overnight in the bathtub. It is a French linen and lace tablecloth and it had not been touched in 40 years and was severely discolored brown. It cleaned up beautifully, but now, after many uses and gentile washings, the tablecloth is sprouting small holes and disintegrating a bit, which I regret, but I have used it quite a few times a year for the past 25 years.

Then again, I use my linens lots. I suppose it depends on how often you use your linens and how long you want to keep them or if you have a desire to pass them down to future generations.

Never, never use Woolite. It contains formaldehyde, among many other chemicals and oils. As shocking as it may sound, Woolite is the first product in Fashion School the professors tell you to avoid on ALL fabrics.

When you think about it, linen is nothing but flax. Wild grasses. So be gentile. As always, NEVER try a new method on your favorite, most treasured, great-grandmother's heirloom. PLEASE, test each new method on a small, "NOT your favorite", item.

Be careful, be gentile and enjoy!

More Household Tips To Save Money & Time

2010-03-03T17:33:00.000-08:00

The most popular post I run.....for good reason! Save cash and time with one quick read. Enjoy!

A few tips from the book: Labour-Saving Hints and Ideas for the Home, 1924

If your antique white linen tablecloths or napkins have turned yellow from not being used, cut up 1 lb. of plain, unscented, white soap into 1 gallon of milk. Boil the mixture and when the soap is melted, add the linen and boil all for 1/2 hour. Then, take the linen out and wash it in a lather of soapy water. Rinse well twice in two batches of cold water. Gently wring out. Lay out, fold and roll linen into a size about 10" long, that will fit into a large plastic bag. Place in the refrigerator overnight, or for 2 days to dry out and get cold.

To press the crispest, most professional linen you have ever seen, take the rolled linen in the plastic bags out of the fridge the next morning (or a day later) and spread the linen out on an ironing board. Put the iron on its hottest setting. Simply iron the line. The iron will sputter and steam will rise. Don't be alarmed, but do be amazed at how nice the linen will press out!

Sweeten the stale sell of smoke from a fireplace overnight with a bucket of water in the room and shut the door. The next morning the air will be cleared and clean. Or, just sprinkle some dried coffee grounds directly onto the red hot cinders and the smell will vanish.
To keep apples for Winter use after picking in the Fall: layer the apples into bins and cover them completely with dry sand. Each layer should be covered. This preserves them from air, moisture and from frost.
To clean an antique flask: put some crushed egg shells and vinegar in the bottom of the flask. Shake well. Fill half the flask with water. Let it stand for a while. Shake again, empty, then rinse thoroughly. Turn the flask upside down and let dry. When bone dry, put away, but do not replace the cork as this may make the flask musty.
To keep vegetables fresher for longer, wash and clean them well in warm water.The warm water will rid the vegetables of any bugs. Dry them on paper towels. Place each separate type of vegetable in a zip lock bag surrounded in fresh paper towels. Stack and roll the lettuce. Replace the paper towels every few days or after each use. In the vegetable bin, your vegetables should keep for one week or longer.
Want to know the secret for telling if an egg is rotten before you crack it? Hold it up to the light. If it is fresh, it will be quite clear. If the egg is cloudy, it is stale.
To make fresh apple juice for the summer: Put one tart apple well baked and mashed into one pint of boiling water. One apple per one pint. Beat well, cool and strain. Add a little sugar. It is a nice cooling drink.
To clean paint brushes: wash in turpentine, followed by soda water. Rinse in clear water and shape with the fingers. Dry with the bristles standing up.
When trying to dye a bridal veil to look antique, soak the veil in a bathtub filled with cold water and cold coffee. Using coffee rather than tea will dye the veil evenly. Tea tends to dye unevenly.

Enjoy!

20 Tips for Tough Times

2010-02-28T19:55:00.000-08:00

From my book: Forget-Me-Not, Forget-Me-Never, Remember The Fun We Had Together.

May your joys be as deep as the ocean,
And your sorrows as light as its foam.
Your loving friend,
Hortense
January 29, 1905

The photo is of the Atlantic Ocean at Rockaway Park, 1908.

We all go through bad days, bad weeks, bad years at a time. As a single gal for 20 years, I found myself many times minus a roommate, in between jobs, without a job, with three jobs (workaholic), without a boyfriend, and at 32, after being bed ridden for 2 years, I lost my Father to Emphysema.

Whether suddenly out of a job or suffering through the death of a loved one, the following are twenty tips (in no particular order) that have helped me through tough times, so hopefully will help you, dear reader.

If you cannot figure out who you are, figure out who you are NOT. Figuring out who you are NOT is half the battle. Make a list of your personal strengths/weaknesses on a legal pad. Argue both sides of your case, thinking as a lawyer would think. Write down a person or people you most admire. Seek out a counselor, physiologist or minister/rabbi, if you have the need.

Take care of yourself and your daily needs. Your body is your temple. Take that shower. Brush your teeth and shave. Tuck your shirt in and shine your shoes. Take pride in your appearance. If you can no longer afford that hair appointment, go to the local cosmetology school for an inexpensive haircut. If you cannot afford a new suit to look for a job, seek out a Goodwill store, local charitable organization specializing in business clothes, or vintage clothing store. Vintage is chic! You will be amazed at the fashion you can find.

Everyone needs to have a night out and "blow it out" every now and again. Have one or two nights out with friends and indulge. Be always with your group or buddy. Have a nice glass of wine with a good meal and interesting conversation. Sing and dance. Enjoy yourself. Be safe. Be careful, though. Do not make an occasional indulgence a habit. We all know healthy behaviors from bad, unhealthy behaviors. It is easier and seemingly more fun for some people to hide from their own thoughts and themselves by consistently indulging in bad behaviors, thus, running away from themselves and their circumstances. Just know, if you choose this lifestyle, do not expect to drag everyone else into it with you. You may find yourself by yourself with transient friends, transient jobs, transient living situations, thus, a transient life. A chaotic life is at best, a harder life. In the long run, a lifetime is a long time. Yet, some people are addicted to chaos then, become addicted to the anger that develops from the chaos. Do not let this type of bad behavior become your habit, your life.

If you cannot figure out exactly what you want to do for a living, figure out exactly what you DO NOT want to do for a living. Make a list on a legal pad of your professional strengths/weaknesses, what you want to do/do not want to do. Argue both sides of your case, again, as a lawyer would argue. Write down your dream job. Write down your natural God-given talents. If you do not know, visit a career center at a nearby community college or university and take tests/seek career counseling/educational opportunities. One will always have one's good brain to use and utilize all throughout one's life. It is NEVER too late to go back to school, learn a new trade or refine a talent you have just for your enjoyment and fun after work. Painting, carpentry, writing, cleaning, singing, tutoring, care giving, cooking, shop, sewing, travel, etc.

What do YOU want out of you life? What is your purpose? What do you want to accomplish of your own? What was your favorite subject in school? Chances are, you excelled at the subjects you enjoyed. Everyone has hidden talents. Preferably, do what you love for a living, but if you cannot, do it for yourself after working hours.

Make and take time out for yourself. Be selfish with your time until you get through your rough time. Tell your friends you are taking a bit of time out. Do not complain to all your friends or you will find yourself spending time and taking care of your friends instead of yourself. If you can, when you can, take a weekend or week off and go away by yourself. Go camping, go on a retreat, go to a spa. Be alone with your thoughts so you can ground yourself, gather your strength and figure out what is important to you, and what your priorities are in your life.

Eleanor Roosevelt said: "You teach other people how to treat you," and it is true. Be kind and polite always, but strong.

For at least 1/2 hour per day, or more, turn OFF the Cable TV/Cell phone/Radio/I-Pod so you may have some quiet time to think. My husband purposefully takes time out to mow the grass so he may think about grand ideas or a small angle for his company. He thinks about how other people can make money for him so he may have more time to think of more ideas for more little angles. One idea and one angle at a time.

Cancel your membership at the gym. You can instead go for walks/runs around your neighborhood. You can do sit ups and other exercises in your living room. Take the gym membership money and put it into the bank. Exercise or stretch out a bit every day. Little work outs to feel a bit better.

Keep any social club or country club memberships if you can. You may use social clubs for informal networking, community involvement, group support, volunteering, and other opportunities.

Pretend like you are shopping and take the money you would normally spend shopping and put it in the bank. Have only one credit card and only use it for emergencies and vacations. Shop around for cheaper car insurance, life insurance, health insurance. You do not need to pay an agent. You can get better deals managing your own insurances yourself. If you do not have a checking account, open one up. Always keep your eyes out for new banks with "free checking for life" accounts. If you have a checking account, open a savings account. If you have a savings account, open a money market account. If you have all of these accounts, buy some Treasury Bonds, or invest in the stock market. Don't worry about meeting the minimums right away. Build it up a bit at a time. Put spare change in a small drawer rather than in a jar. Put spare dollar bills in your purses or pants/jacket pockets and forget about it.

Donate not with a check, but donate in kind. For example, instead of giving money to your church/temple, offer to clean the chapel or do repairs or yard work around the church once a week or once a month. Volunteer for church school, or in the church nursery, or drive the shuttle bus. Volunteer for Habitat for Humanity for your vacation.

When cooking, or baking, make double the recipe and take the extra half to an elderly neighbor, less fortunate neighbor, or local organization that feeds shut-ins or a homeless shelter.

Clean out your garage. Bring unwanted tools and sporting equipment and vehicles to your local homeless shelter. Clean out your kitchen pantry. Bring your unwanted canned goods to the local food bank. Clean out your makeup drawer. Bring all the unused makeup and unused free samples to the local battered woman's shelter. You cannot even imagine how a bit of makeup helps a battered woman's confidence!

Volunteer for one evening or one afternoon, once per week or once per month somewhere, anywhere. If time is an issue (because you have three jobs as I used to have), then volunteer to serve a holiday meal at a homeless shelter.

If you are fortunate enough to have a large or supportive family lean on them, or lean on a select few friends. If you have neither family or friends, please find counsel in a local church/temple, school or civic group.

Clean out your closets,cabinets, attic, bookshelves, basement, storage unit,etc. Give away clothes, shoes and things you have not worn or used in 5 years. Giving to others less fortunate than yourself will take your worry off yourself and will lift your heart up.

Give away all the fussy, time taking things in your house that require too much of your time to keep up or that cause you stress. For example, old silver, old pewter or copper, or even plants that require too much effort. Keep your animals as they reduce stress unless they have become unruly. If you have an animal and have had a new baby, or have an animal that belonged to a deceased family member and the animal is or has become unruly, give the animal away to a friend, or take the animal to a "No Kill" shelter.

Do NOT act like a victim. You will wear others out with your constant complaining about all your daily problems. After a certain age (25), everyone has their own problems and does not need to hear your daily complaints. You choose your own behavior thus, you must put up with the outcome. If you do not care for the outcome, change your behavior. The same behavior will result in the same outcome. Little changes. One day at a time, like putting a quarter in a cup, every day. Build on small changes every day and stick with it. Patience is a virtue!

No one else can live your life for you just as you cannot live others' lives for them. No one else will take care of the personal you. It is so easy to loose your own identity, your own soul, your own energy, your own patience taking care of everyone else in this highly stressful, highly competitive, fast paced, technology driven life. Make time for yourself because no one else will.

Make time to utilize your good mind, and take care of yourself, dear reader.

Be Your Own Superstar On Facebook and Twitter

2010-02-24T07:04:00.000-08:00

If we are who our friends are on Facebook and Twitter, then we are what we post on Facebook and Twitter, right?

The content of what you post on Facebook and Twitter says much about what is important to you in your life. It tells others what style of life you live and what type of person you are in your life. Or, does it merely tell what type of persona you put forward for others to read and see?
Are your posts on Facebook and Twitter regularly relevant, useful, witty, timely, and informative? Or, are your posts simple, to the point, politically and socially correct, innocuous and possibly considered mundane by others, but orderly? Are your posts eclectic or about the same subject over and over. Are you regularly on Facebook and Twitter, or are your posts irregular? Does the tone of your posts come across as soulful, angry, needy, coy, mean, lonely, busy, happy or sarcastic? How is their after taste? What do you come away with after reading another friend's posts? After a while, do you feel as though you know the lifestyle of your friends better? Do your friends put forward only a snapshot of their lives, a resume of their lives, or their life story? Too much information or too little? Not enough interesting information or too much controversial information?

Are you a single gal or an "Empty Nester" who posts many photos of your animals, or your rose garden? Do you Twitter about being on the Red Carpet, or taking a shower? Are you in your thirties with teenagers and many neighborhood friends at the pool drinking a glass of wine while watching the kids swim? Do you Twitter about political causes? Do you live in the country and have horses and post riding photos? Are you a serious career woman and post only business related information? Are you a sports guy and post links to The America's Cup? Or, are you a gentleman farmer and post vacation photos from St. Barth's? Are you a Socialite who posts a 'thank you' to all the hosts from all the parties you've ever attend possibly forgetting other friends may not have been invited? Is order important in your life so you post what you are eating for dinner?
Are some posts more interesting than others? Yes,but dos that make the more interesting posts more important? No, just different.
What if you don't Twitter and don't Facebook at all? Is your life going to be less fulfilling because of your lack of participation? No, just different.
Just remember, Facebook and Twitter are as my friend put it: "public babble", so be careful what you write and mind the photographs you post. Pay attention to the aftertaste of your posts and make sure it is the persona you want to put forward to others.

Eat peach ice-cream with a peachy aftertaste, enjoy and have fun!

The First 10 of George Washington's 100 "Rules of Civility" Updated!

2010-02-21T21:12:00.001-08:00

From my book: "Forget-Me-Not, Forget-Me-Never, Remember The Fun We Had Together:"

If pleasures path you wish to see,
Five things observe with care,
To whom you speak, of whom you speak,
And when, and how, and where.

Florence Gaynor
June 21, 1906

At 16 years of age, George Washington wrote his own 100 "Rules of Civility & Decent Behaviour In Company and Conversation" and published them into a book. He lived by these 100 rules most of the rest of his life.

Some sharp students at The University of Virginia are updating these 100 rules in their own study called "The Civility Project." The following are The Sabot School of Etiquette's modern take on the first ten of these rules:

1. Washington: "Every Action done in Company, ought to be with Some Sign of Respect, to those that are present."

1. SSOE: Stand up straight and for introductions, keep your hands at your side, look people directly in the eyes, and smile. Seeing the BAFTA awards on BBC this weekend, I saw the actress Kristin Stewart from the popular "Twilight" movies accept an award. I watched in horror as she vigorously scratched her head with all fingers and both hands, then continued running her fingers through her hair throughout her acceptance speech at the podium. Yuck!

2. Washington: "When in Company, put not your hands to any Part of the Body, not usually Discovered."

2. SSOE: Keep your hands out of your pockets. Do not touch your head or fix your wedgie when in public. We have a local news reporter "man on the street" who reports his stories with one hand holding his mic and the other hand in his pant pocket. What is going on in there? Was he raised by wild dogs?

3. Washington: Shew Nothing yo your Friend that may affright him.

3. SSOE: Never embarrass another person. Leaders always make others feel special. As corny as it may sound, always speak positively so others will always want to be around you, who wouldn't?

4. Washington: In the Presence of Others, Sing not to yourself with a Humming noise, nor drum with your fingers or feet.

4. SSOE: Keep your voice and hands to yourself. Keep your cellphone put away when with company as well. Do not whistle, hum or fiddle with your fingers in public. Also, if you are anything other than a heart surgeon, do not fiddle with your cell phone while at a meal or a party. One does not HAVE to be connected to all one's friends ALL the time. As my Father used to say: "If they need you, they will get you. They will call back." Let your friends wonder what mysterious delicacies you may be delighting in for a while. Be a bit in demand.

5. Washington: If you Cough, Sneeze, Sigh or Yawn, do it not loud but Privately; and Speak not in your Yawning, but put Your handkerchief or Hand before your face and turn aside.

5. SSOE: Turn your head to the side if you must sneeze. Use a Kleenex or handkerchief. In an emergency, use your hand. Then, excuse yourself to the restroom and wash your hands. If you have bad allergies, and have a runny nose all the time, best only to "Dab" your nose with a tissue or hankie at the table. DO NOT blow your nose at the table. Best to go to the restroom. NEVER blow your nose into your napkin while at a meal. Gross! Cover your mouth when you cough or must yawn. Try to smile and breath in during a yawn in front of others if you cannot turn your head.

6. Washington: Sleep not when others Speak, Sit not when others stand, Speak not when you Should hold your Peace, walk not on when others Stop.

6. SSOE: Pause look and listen. True listening is when you are not planning out what to say as soon as the other person is finished speaking. Always stand for introductions. Opinions on religion and politics still upset others and still should preferably not be discussed at parties. Pay attention to others when walking in a group.

7. Washington: Put not off your Cloths in the presence of Others, nor go out your Chamber half dressed.

7. SSOE: Gentlemen, DO NOT take off your dress jackets at semi-formal or formal events, even when dancing. I have been at many a formal wedding and Black Tie charity event when the Father of the Bride or Chairman has to ask a gentleman to put back on his jacket. Don't be that guy! Also, even if you are not a pajama guy, buy a robe and use it!

8. Washington: At Play and at Fire its Good manners to Give Place to the last Commer, and affect not to Speak Louder than Ordinary.

8. SSOE: Move over in your circle if someone joins in the conversation, and do not start yelling your opinion over others in order to be heard. It is hard in this 24 hour world of constant communication to NOT copy the poor example of all the "Talking Heads" on TV and NOT over talk another person, or raise your voice in a growing circle of conversation. Most people like listening to their own voices, so if you must be heard, go home and write in a journal or start a blog.

9. Washington: Spit not in the Fire, nor Stoop low before it neither Put your Hands into the Flames to warm them, nor Set your Feet upon the Fire especially if there be meat before it.

9. SSOE: Do not spit in public and do not put your feet up onto the table in the kitchen or around food.

10. Washington: When you Sit down, Keep your Feet firm and Even, without putting one on the other or Crossing them.

10. SSOE: Treat your seat like a church pew. Sit with both feet squarely on the floor. Do not sit on your ankles. Do not wrap your feet around your chair. In Asian and Middle Eastern countries, showing the sole of your shoe is considered rude and insulting.

Just a few first ten tips from three hundred years ago. The more things change, the more they stay the same!

Stump The Etiquette Lady - Valentine Anxiety at School

2010-02-11T21:21:00.000-08:00

Question:
Our Second Grader refuses to go to school on Valentine's Day. Last year, she received mean Valentine cards that said: "You are ugly," and "You are stupid." Our daughter is kind yet very shy, she gets straight A's but is extremely tall and skinny. She does get teased all the time. What should we do?
Answer:
Call a meeting immediately with the teacher and the principal. The teacher should know her classroom well enough to recognize the bullies, and they should be reprimanded.
Softly explain to your daughter it is her kindness which makes her a leader and she will grow up to be a better person with empathy for others because of this quality.
At The Sabot School of Etiquette, our #1 rule is: "Leaders always make others feel special." Leaders are always positive and include rather than exclude. Leaders never make another person feel sad or embarrassed or humiliated. True leaders are people whom everyone wants to be around. Who wouldn't?